Sunday, November 16, 2014


Last night I had this dream. I don't remember all of it, just flashes. But basically, I went to retrieval and they got 10 eggs. I was so stunned - 10 eggs from four follicles? - that I forgot to ask about the quality.

Then I was wandering around, waiting for the fertilization report, because surely not all 10 could've been good eggs? In the dream, I was thinking, "Wow, this must be my body's last-ditch effort to make a baby."

And then later (much), I was holding a little baby that was born from an Agony/Hope embryo. I was crying over the baby and thinking about the saying that's on the ceiling of my RE's exam room: "The moment you're ready to quit is usually the moment right before a miracle happens."

In the dream, I thought, "I almost missed out on this. I almost gave up on this."

Earlier in the day, Mr. Hope and I picked up the wishbone that had been drying on our window ledge. It was from a slow-cooked whole chicken, and in hindsight, I should've known that the bone had been made brittle from the process. But I didn't know that at the time.

We picked up the wishbone, each made a wish, and pulled. Both stems broke off from the center piece, which went flying. I have never seen this happen.

I said, "I'm pretty sure we both made the same wish."

Mr. Hope said, "So does this mean we both get our wish?"

I said, "No, it means neither of us do. This is a bad omen."

We compared wishes. Mine was for a healthy baby at the end of this cycle. His was for a girl. Mr. Hope joked, "Maybe it's going to be a boy," but by that logic, it would be an unhealthy one, wouldn't it?

I told him, "Maybe there won't be a baby at all. Maybe there never will."

So it's possible my dream was my psyche's way to responding to this fear. Or it could be a separate thing entirely.

Throughout most of this cycle I've been feeling like a baby was a done deal. I have the ringer embryos waiting to come up to bat. Either way - whether it's through some unlikely miracle embryo we make with my egg and Mr. Hope's sperm, or through the magic of embryo donation - I am getting that baby. We will be parents.

But the closer we get to retrieval/thaw, the more I start to worry. What if I'm wrong? What if I've been too cocky? What if...?

I wish I had some of the faith that so many in my particular community have. There is a lot of talk about  prayer and putting everything into God's hands and surrendering to His plan. But I don't have God in my life. I was raised without religion, for the most part. I tend to believe in what I can see and hear and touch, and in the absence of that, I defer to science. Science tells me my body is broken, spitting out eggs that spoiled much, much too soon.

I am not loving science these days.

Next follie check tomorrow. Hoping for good news, or at the very least, some not-horrible news.

A miracle wouldn't be half-bad, either.


  1. I've struggled with similar feelings. I've seen all these great signs, but none of them panned out (, I've had more of the same feelings/signs/observations for this cycle, but I'm trying not to put stock in them because it's just too stressful. I'm trying to take things a day at a time. And know that even though I feel confident about my upcoming cycle, that can't really "jinx" things. I guess all I'm trying to say is I know how very difficult all this is! It sucks! You're not alone. If you are comfortable, I will say a prayer for a miracle for you. And that you have peace about how this will pan out, whether it's with your embryos or donated ones. Hugs!

    1. Sara, I was reading through your blog this morning but haven't had a chance to respond until now. I have to say that you are one of the sweetest, kindest, most generous people I've come across during my journey. If there is any justice in this world in which we live, you will get your baby. I hope this cycle is the one for you. I mean that with all of my heart.

      And thank you for saying a prayer for me. I truly appreciate it.