Sunday, November 16, 2014
Last night I had this dream. I don't remember all of it, just flashes. But basically, I went to retrieval and they got 10 eggs. I was so stunned - 10 eggs from four follicles? - that I forgot to ask about the quality.
Then I was wandering around, waiting for the fertilization report, because surely not all 10 could've been good eggs? In the dream, I was thinking, "Wow, this must be my body's last-ditch effort to make a baby."
And then later (much), I was holding a little baby that was born from an Agony/Hope embryo. I was crying over the baby and thinking about the saying that's on the ceiling of my RE's exam room: "The moment you're ready to quit is usually the moment right before a miracle happens."
In the dream, I thought, "I almost missed out on this. I almost gave up on this."
Earlier in the day, Mr. Hope and I picked up the wishbone that had been drying on our window ledge. It was from a slow-cooked whole chicken, and in hindsight, I should've known that the bone had been made brittle from the process. But I didn't know that at the time.
We picked up the wishbone, each made a wish, and pulled. Both stems broke off from the center piece, which went flying. I have never seen this happen.
I said, "I'm pretty sure we both made the same wish."
Mr. Hope said, "So does this mean we both get our wish?"
I said, "No, it means neither of us do. This is a bad omen."
We compared wishes. Mine was for a healthy baby at the end of this cycle. His was for a girl. Mr. Hope joked, "Maybe it's going to be a boy," but by that logic, it would be an unhealthy one, wouldn't it?
I told him, "Maybe there won't be a baby at all. Maybe there never will."
So it's possible my dream was my psyche's way to responding to this fear. Or it could be a separate thing entirely.
Throughout most of this cycle I've been feeling like a baby was a done deal. I have the ringer embryos waiting to come up to bat. Either way - whether it's through some unlikely miracle embryo we make with my egg and Mr. Hope's sperm, or through the magic of embryo donation - I am getting that baby. We will be parents.
But the closer we get to retrieval/thaw, the more I start to worry. What if I'm wrong? What if I've been too cocky? What if...?
I wish I had some of the faith that so many in my particular community have. There is a lot of talk about prayer and putting everything into God's hands and surrendering to His plan. But I don't have God in my life. I was raised without religion, for the most part. I tend to believe in what I can see and hear and touch, and in the absence of that, I defer to science. Science tells me my body is broken, spitting out eggs that spoiled much, much too soon.
I am not loving science these days.
Next follie check tomorrow. Hoping for good news, or at the very least, some not-horrible news.
A miracle wouldn't be half-bad, either.