Saturday, November 15, 2014

marching forward.

Had my first post-baseline blood work and scan yesterday.

GOOD NEWS: The two abnormally large follies are gone! I had a bit of spotting yesterday and the night before, so I'm thinking the cysts burst. Whatever the case, those fuckers aren't messing up my cycle so YAY.

LESS-GOOD NEWS: Of the eight baby follies, only four grew.

BETTER NEWS: As of yesterday, the four were measuring 7, 7, 6, and 8. In other words, they're all tracking around the same size. At the very least, they're closer together than I think I've ever had in a cycle.

All in all, I'm calling it a win.

Today, Mr. Hope and I need to get a form notarized that basically says we want to thaw all four of the donor embryos (they're all 2PN, so I want to grow them out to blasts) and transfer 1-2 depending on the results of my fresh retrieval.

This is the part of the process where I have to shut my ever-loving Agony brain off. Because if I don't, I'll start seeing every possibility:

IDEAL: My four eggs make it to retrieval, they all fertilize with ICSI, we let them grow, and they all turn into beautiful, hatching blasts.

MORE LIKELY: One or two eggs make it to retrieval, they both fertilize with ICSI, and the doctor opts to transfer on Day 2.

SLIGHTLY LESS IDEAL: Three eggs make it to retrieval, they all fertilize with ICSI, we let them grow, and I end up with one beautiful blast. We transfer that and one blast of the donor's.

MY FEAR: None of my eggs make it to retrieval. Or, if they do, none of them fertilize with ICSI. There's nothing of ours to transfer, and I went through this stim cycle for nothing. But we end up with beautiful donor blasts, so there's a light and the end of this particular tunnel.

MY EVEN BIGGER FEAR: We end up with no Agony/Hope embryos and none of the donor embryos make it to blast, either. We end up with exactly nothing, and we're several thousand dollars poorer for it.

Do you see how this particular rabbit hole works?

One thing I'm wrestling with is what I want to do with the donor embies. There is a large part of me that doesn't want to transfer anything that isn't a blast, because I can't take any more heartache. I mean, I know that just because they're blasts doesn't mean that they'll automatically turn into babies, but the odds are considerably higher. And yes, I know many people who transferred Day 3 embies that turned into babies but again: looking for highest odds.

Which means I'm also wrestling with what to do with OUR embies. If the doctor wants to transfer on Day 2, do I bother? Do I insist that we try to see if our embryos can make it to blast, even if that means we end up transferring nothing of ours?

This is what I keep coming back to: I'm tired of the cycles. I'm ready to be a mom. So I don't want to dick around anymore. I don't want to put in sub-optimal embies just to say that I transferred something. I want to put in embryos that have the greatest chance of becoming a tiny human.

How do you know if you're making the right decisions for the right reasons? I'm genuinely asking here, because I'm at a total fucking loss.


  1. Oh god what a hard question. I think the best thing in these situations is to tell the dr how you feel, and let him/her give you the best medical advice they can. They know best, they went to school for this. Don't put it all on you.

    Easier said than done obviously. :)

    1. I know you're right - 100% right - but sometimes I fear that doctors make decisions based on SART data. If I make it to transfer but do not produce a live birth, the onus is on me and my old genetic material and not on the clinic. If I don't make it to transfer, it reflects more poorly on the clinic itself. Am I being paranoid? Maybe.

      But maybe it's just a question of voicing these things to my doctor, so he knows where I'm coming from (i.e., I'd rather transfer nothing that we tried to grow to blast than transfer a Day 2 embryo that could arrest at any second).

      I don't know. It's all just so much.

  2. The uncertainty and not knowing how things will pan out is maddening ( I didn't feel as much pressure in decision making because I deferred to my doctor and embryologist- and I realize my clinic has more stringent guidelines as far as they transfer anything that is remotely viable. So I don't feel like I can give you good advice on which path to pursue. But I do know the feelings and the questioning. My hope for you is the best decision can become very apparent.

    1. I let them know that blastocysts were my preference, but also said I defer to my doctor's judgment, because I do trust him. Thanks for sharing your posts with me - I got sucked in and reading through your blog back from the start!