I peed.

Of course I peed. That is what infertiles do: we pee on things.

At 4dp5dt, it's BFN. Or a super-pale shadowy line that would never photograph in a million years and could possibly be an indent.

Or, you know, just plain BFN.

I have mixed emotions about this. On the one hand, I didn't expect to get a positive before at least 6dp5dt, because that's when I got my positive the last time. On the other, after all of that cramping and pressure yesterday, I started to get a little cocky thinking that this cycle worked.

What if I was wrong?

What if the cramping was from the embryos knocking on the door and my uterus saying NO, GO AWAY, YOU ARE NOT THE BABIES WE ARE LOOKING FOR?

I have two more FRER in my possession and three more en route. So I will pee again tomorrow, and again on Monday, and probably ever day up until 8 or 9 days past transfer, at which point if I'm still pulling negatives I'd likely call it. Or, if I've started pulling positives, will continue to pee up until beta and beyond.

Because that's what infertiles do: we pee on things. And not just any things.

We pee on things we pay for.