Sunday, March 22, 2015

all the small things.

Still peeing on things. Of course I am. This is only my second pregnancy and #1 didn't end so well. I capitulate. I am powerless over my need to pee on things. So, I do.

But today was the tipping point. The test line got darker than the control line. This is what I love. I love watching the progression, and I love it when there's so much hCG in my system that the test line sucks up all the dye. 

I am sick. I know this. 

I am okay with it.

Finally broke out my remaining Clearblue Digital. Pregnant 2-3, it tells me. I'm glad I waited. Last time it was Pregnant 1-2. At least it's something new.

WHO AM I? Seriously. Sick.

Last night, even before the PIO shot, my boobs were really tender and my nips hypersensitive. Y'all know how I love my symptoms. There's still a little light cramping and pressure over my groin area. That's my big "tell." The chin zits are gone but that's one symptom I don't mind seeing go away. 

Last night Mr. Hope and I went out to dinner with Fig and her husband. It was the first time our spouses had met. Double dating with other couples is a new thing for Mr. Hope and me. But we like it. It's nice for Mr. Hope to socialize with people who aren't on their computers. Plus, it's always nice to have an excuse to put on a skirt and go out to dinner. We are such homebodies, Mr. Hope and I. 

So we went out to dinner at a restaurant I love and had this amazing meal and good conversation and lots of laughs, and then I came home and got shot up with progesterone and passed out on the couch within the hour. Such is my glamorous life.

I am doing a decent job of not obsessing about the pregnancy. But last night, before I crashed out on the couch, I had this weird compulsion to Google "miscarriage 8 weeks." A lot of women post pictures of their miscarriage. I was horrified when I stared my own miscarriage in the face, but for whatever reason I find this odd comfort in looking at pictures of these tiny, gummy bear-shaped embryos. It's only the second time I've done this - looked at those pictures - and I know I should be horrified and want to look away but I don't. Is this acceptance? I can't explain it.

What I do know is that I was looking at these pictures on my iPad when Mr. Hope was in the bathroom, and when he came out I closed my browser window faster than if I'd been looking at porn. So there must be some shame there on my part. Right? Something to discuss with Quirky when I see her next.

16 comments:

  1. So glad you're lines are getting darker!! :)

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    1. Me too! There wasn't a huge difference between Day 10 and Day 11 so really happy to see a visible difference today. Must. stop. peeing on things.

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  2. Yay for very dark lines and getting to the next step on the digital test. I do similar googling. I'm a glutton. I think for me knowing every possible detail will help prepare me for the worst case scenario, although it ends up just making me feel even worse. I think it's using intellectualizing as a defense mechanism. :/

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    1. This is what Quirky, my infertility therapist, tells me I do too. (See why I think we are twinsies in so many ways?) I'm glad that I'm not the only one who does it, though. I had this detached moment from my body where I thought, "Should I be disturbed by what I'm doing right now?"

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  3. Yay for positive digis! I think its natural for those that have suffered through infertility to linger on the what ifs. Don't beat yourself up for doing that. I'm thinking good strong sticky thoughts for you!

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    1. Thank you! Appreciate the support. :)

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  4. The day the test line pulls from the control line is a great day! But I suppose now just the digitals are helpful to pee on (a frer line can only get so dark?). I was too terrified for more than a glance at miscarriage pics (I can't handle other people's blood) but I read every story I could find. Every study, every statistic...it did feel sort of morbid but to me it was just preparing for the worst. But for me anyway knowing I survived one helped me deal with the second. And with all the spotting in the early weeks. But eventually I was looking at that sort of thing less and less.

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    1. Thank you for telling me this. It really does make me feel like less of a freak. If we're all doing it, it can't be THAT weird.

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  5. Your fears are understandable. I was full of fear until I hit 24 weeks and I had to move cross country at 20 weeks pregnant.

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    1. Holy wow, I couldn't imagine having to do a cross-country move like that, especially not at 20 weeks. Jeez. Talk about change!

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  6. I took HPT's for probably a good month after my first BFP. And then another for no reason at all at about ten weeks.

    Good luck and I'll be following along!

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    1. Love it! Thank you for sharing that with me. It really does make a person feel less freakish. :)

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  7. Congratulations!! How exciting!! What do the numbers mean on the clear blue?

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    1. Thanks! The numbers refer to gestational age (I think). So, the embryo has been producing hCG for 2-3 weeks. I transferred on 3/10, so that makes sense. But the way a OB/GYN would date the pregnancy, I'm 4w4d (yesterday was 4w3d). Does that make sense?

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  8. With my first pregnancy I did a HPT daily until about 20 weeks, long after there was any use actually doing one but it helped me feel sane. During a cycle I'm crazy about knowing my numbers, I'll relentlessly quiz the nurse "but what about my e2, where's that sitting" when all she wants to tell me is my next appointment date and get off the phone!

    I think we all have little quirks that help us feel more in control of a situation that is just so bat-shit crazy out of control that we don't know how to deal.

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    1. I think you hit the nail on the head - we want to feel more in control. I have one FRER left that I'm going to pee on tomorrow before my 3rd beta. Then I'm going to TRY to refrain from further use. But we'll see. I'm a little powerless over my need to pee on things. :)

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