Baby's size: Squash (butternut or acorn, depending on the site)
Next appointment: 9/17 (had one today, too)
Total weight gain: 53 lbs. So, down 4.4 lbs. and right where I was in week 24. (Thanks, HCTZ!)
Exercise: Even less than usual, thanks to my bustimicated knee.
Sleep: Same.
Food cravings: Bread and cheese. Together.
Symptoms: I have that funny light brown line up and down my belly. And I'm getting super emotional. Oh, and my boobs? They are seriously huge, and not in a good way.
What I'm loving: The 3D ultrasound pics we got today. Best u/s tech ever! We finally got to see the Jellybean's face from multiple angles. Last week, we had a few snaps but he looked like a cartoon character. This time, he looked like a tiny human!
What I'm not loving: Still with the hands. The pain was so bad Monday I kept crying. So, the cardiologist put me back on the HCTZ. Dr. Direct isn't going to like it, but what can I do?
What I'm looking forward to: Lots and lots of baby stuff. We start childbirth classes a week from tomorrow. Next Thursday there's a curriculum night at our future daycare. And my shower is coming up in just a few short weeks, too!
Best moment this week: Seeing his face. It's the cutest little face! I can't stop staring at it.
Showing posts with label weight. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight. Show all posts
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Thursday, September 3, 2015
28w0d.
Baby's size: Large eggplant.
Next appointment: Today. More u/s and hopefully a 3D one!
Total weight gain: 57.4 lbs. However, I weigh slightly less than I did three weeks ago, so I'm not complaining.
Exercise: Minimal. Still struggling with pain/numbness in legs, not to mention swelling.
Sleep: Decent. Averaging 7-8 hours a night with the CPAP mask.
Food cravings: None.
Symptoms: Burping. Lots and lots of burping.
What I'm loving: Feeling Jellybean more regularly. Sometimes he kicks hard enough that it moves other things. Like, the other night I had my iPad on a pillow on my belly, and he kicked hard enough that the iPad jumped just a little.
What I'm not loving: My hands. They are swollen, stiff, numb, or in pain 100% of the time now, making even routine tasks difficult to complete.
What I'm looking forward to: This weekend. We have plans to do a lot of cleaning/purging in the house, and the closer we get to achieving our goals there, the better I'll feel.
Best moment this week: Last Thursday night I got in the pool for the first time since June...and discovered that preggos float. Like, literally FLOAT. It was crazy. And awesome.
Next appointment: Today. More u/s and hopefully a 3D one!
Total weight gain: 57.4 lbs. However, I weigh slightly less than I did three weeks ago, so I'm not complaining.
Exercise: Minimal. Still struggling with pain/numbness in legs, not to mention swelling.
Sleep: Decent. Averaging 7-8 hours a night with the CPAP mask.
Food cravings: None.
Symptoms: Burping. Lots and lots of burping.
What I'm loving: Feeling Jellybean more regularly. Sometimes he kicks hard enough that it moves other things. Like, the other night I had my iPad on a pillow on my belly, and he kicked hard enough that the iPad jumped just a little.
What I'm not loving: My hands. They are swollen, stiff, numb, or in pain 100% of the time now, making even routine tasks difficult to complete.
What I'm looking forward to: This weekend. We have plans to do a lot of cleaning/purging in the house, and the closer we get to achieving our goals there, the better I'll feel.
Best moment this week: Last Thursday night I got in the pool for the first time since June...and discovered that preggos float. Like, literally FLOAT. It was crazy. And awesome.
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
adjustments.
Yesterday I went back to the cardiologist's office and met with her PA. You know how I got all freaked out about my test results? I'm not entirely sure why that happened. According to the PA, I had very mildly elevated pressure in my lungs. When he listened, he heard no fluid. But the edema is still a problem, so he agreed to a short course of HCTZ to try to reduce some of the swelling. I took the pill on the way back to the office and peed my brains out for the rest of the day.
By this morning, I was already down 3.5 lbs.
Guess what hasn't improved, though? HURTY HANDS. They're definitely less swollen - I can actually move the skin on the backs now - but the numbness and pain has somehow INCREASED. I don't get it. Even typing this short post is giving me so. Much. PAIN.
Saw the OB today. She said, "I want you to start getting mentally prepared for not making it full term." Oh, Dr. Direct. I'm so far ahead of you there. I told her my goal was to make it to 36 weeks. This, she thinks, seems reasonable. She did tell me I might have to go on desk rest and work from home at some point. This, too, I was expecting, so NBD.
The good news: Today's BP was 124/81. No protein in my urine. No sugar either. So, even though pre-eclampsia is likely going to happen at some point, it hasn't claimed me yet.
Dr. Direct thinks that I'm still a good candidate for vaginal delivery. This makes me happy. I found out today I can have 4 people in the room with me. So that's good. I can have my placenta for encapsulation. And if I end up needing a C-section, they'll make sure Mr. Hope can't see over the curtain.
When I talk about drawing up a birth plan, these are the things I'm pretty much talking about. The only thing I forgot to discuss with her was the delayed cord clamping, but we still have time.
Jellybean's heart rate was in the 150s today. He ran from the doppler (again). Dr. Direct said, "He's having fun in there!" I told her how he punches and head-buts me constantly. I am so in for it with this kid.
Tomorrow Mr. Hope and I head out to the shore for a long weekend. Our version of a babymoon. I'm excited to unplug from the world and be in the ocean and spend some alone time with my husband. We need this. Like, badly.
Okay, my hands are giving out. I swear, the pain. THE PAIN.
More later.
Sunday, July 26, 2015
the finger sticks begin.
On Friday, I went in for glucose meter training. Technically, I already knew how to use a glucose meter, since I had Type II diabetes for a couple of years before losing the weight and sending it into remission, but I thought I'd get the meter itself at the appointment. I did not. That got called into the pharmacy. And the nurse training me got very suspicious when she handed me the meter to try myself and I asked for an alcohol swab.
"You look like you've done this before," she said.
I smiled and nodded.
I don't talk to a lot of people about how I used to be diabetic. It's not something I'm proud of. And when I did have it, early medical interventions made things way worse; the first doctor to put me on insulin kept jacking up the dosage even after I didn't respond well, and I ended up putting on something like 40 lbs. in a single month. And even then, my sugars didn't get under control until I was put on a medicine that basically talked to my liver and told it to stop pumping out insulin.
I also don't talk a lot about my gastric bypass surgery, which I had almost 7 years ago. I don't talk about it because when I had it, I was at an all-time high weight that was the equivalent of four top-of-the-pyramid cheerleaders. To be fair, nearly 70 lbs. of that came from the insulin and fluid retention, but still. It was a dark time in my life and one I don't care to revisit. Plus, I never lost all of the weight after my surgery. I lost nearly 200 lbs., but that still put me at close to 100 lbs. over where the height-weight charts wanted me to be, and about 35 lbs. over my personal weight-loss goal.
When you still look like a fat girl and you tell people you've had gastric bypass, they either assume that you were unsuccessful at it or that you're one of the sad folks who's gained all of their weight back. Prior to this pregnancy, I did have some regain from time to time. but I always nipped it before it got too bad and took the weight back off. This is one of the main reasons the massive gain from Jellybean has me so unhinged. I'm terrified the weight won't come off again, And all of the health problems I had pre-surgery loss, they're all coming back - the apena, the edema, the sciatic lower back pain, the shooting numbness in one or both legs, etc.
Except, I think, for the diabetes. This is one pregnancy nasty I may have been able to avoid.
My very first stick - the one that made the nurse suspicious - was 114. "That's really good!" she remarked, shocked that my blood wasn't made of taffy. I left the training feeling unexpectedly chuffed. I was going to be fine! No gestational diabetes for me!
And then, that night, my post-dinner reading was 140 - 10 over where they like to see it. There had been a touch of cornstarch in the sauce we made, and I had about 1/3 cup of brown rice. A friend who has Type II told me she can't tolerate brown rice even medicated, that it always spikes her sugars, so I made a note on my log and moved on.
The next morning, my fasting bgl was 96 - about 7 higher than it should be. I'd indulged in a small piece of chocolate cake for a late-night dessert, and figured that was the culprit. Again, I made a note and moved on.
And then something surprising happened - my post-meal readings for the day were all stellar. After a lunch of spaghetti squash chow mein and grilled chicken, I clocked in at 78 - close to low! Last night's pre-bed snack consisted of a piece of Ezekial toast with natural PB and a small sliced banana. The fasting reading today? 89. And that's with the banana!
So while I'll likely have to pay attention to what I'm eating, and skip as much refined sugar as possible, it looks like my bgl is going to behave through diet modification alone. Of course, I need to track my finger sticks for two full weeks before someone will make that assessment, but still. Early data is promising.
Since that's the case, I think I'm going to experiment a little with foods to see what does/doesn't spike my sugar. I'm making some oat bran with blueberries and almonds for breakfast, just to see what that does. Yesterday I had a whole wheat English muffin with egg and cheese (homemade) and my post-meal reading was 114, which was well within the good limits. So we'll see.
I've been so terrified that I'm going to get pre-eclampsia that in my head I already have it. But this? This makes me wonder if maybe I'll somehow avoid it. When I checked my BP last night it was 122/78 - perfectly normal. Is it possible that I will get through the rest of this pregnancy without any major medical meltdowns?
I sure hope so.
"You look like you've done this before," she said.
I smiled and nodded.
I don't talk to a lot of people about how I used to be diabetic. It's not something I'm proud of. And when I did have it, early medical interventions made things way worse; the first doctor to put me on insulin kept jacking up the dosage even after I didn't respond well, and I ended up putting on something like 40 lbs. in a single month. And even then, my sugars didn't get under control until I was put on a medicine that basically talked to my liver and told it to stop pumping out insulin.
I also don't talk a lot about my gastric bypass surgery, which I had almost 7 years ago. I don't talk about it because when I had it, I was at an all-time high weight that was the equivalent of four top-of-the-pyramid cheerleaders. To be fair, nearly 70 lbs. of that came from the insulin and fluid retention, but still. It was a dark time in my life and one I don't care to revisit. Plus, I never lost all of the weight after my surgery. I lost nearly 200 lbs., but that still put me at close to 100 lbs. over where the height-weight charts wanted me to be, and about 35 lbs. over my personal weight-loss goal.
When you still look like a fat girl and you tell people you've had gastric bypass, they either assume that you were unsuccessful at it or that you're one of the sad folks who's gained all of their weight back. Prior to this pregnancy, I did have some regain from time to time. but I always nipped it before it got too bad and took the weight back off. This is one of the main reasons the massive gain from Jellybean has me so unhinged. I'm terrified the weight won't come off again, And all of the health problems I had pre-surgery loss, they're all coming back - the apena, the edema, the sciatic lower back pain, the shooting numbness in one or both legs, etc.
Except, I think, for the diabetes. This is one pregnancy nasty I may have been able to avoid.
My very first stick - the one that made the nurse suspicious - was 114. "That's really good!" she remarked, shocked that my blood wasn't made of taffy. I left the training feeling unexpectedly chuffed. I was going to be fine! No gestational diabetes for me!
And then, that night, my post-dinner reading was 140 - 10 over where they like to see it. There had been a touch of cornstarch in the sauce we made, and I had about 1/3 cup of brown rice. A friend who has Type II told me she can't tolerate brown rice even medicated, that it always spikes her sugars, so I made a note on my log and moved on.
The next morning, my fasting bgl was 96 - about 7 higher than it should be. I'd indulged in a small piece of chocolate cake for a late-night dessert, and figured that was the culprit. Again, I made a note and moved on.
And then something surprising happened - my post-meal readings for the day were all stellar. After a lunch of spaghetti squash chow mein and grilled chicken, I clocked in at 78 - close to low! Last night's pre-bed snack consisted of a piece of Ezekial toast with natural PB and a small sliced banana. The fasting reading today? 89. And that's with the banana!
So while I'll likely have to pay attention to what I'm eating, and skip as much refined sugar as possible, it looks like my bgl is going to behave through diet modification alone. Of course, I need to track my finger sticks for two full weeks before someone will make that assessment, but still. Early data is promising.
Since that's the case, I think I'm going to experiment a little with foods to see what does/doesn't spike my sugar. I'm making some oat bran with blueberries and almonds for breakfast, just to see what that does. Yesterday I had a whole wheat English muffin with egg and cheese (homemade) and my post-meal reading was 114, which was well within the good limits. So we'll see.
I've been so terrified that I'm going to get pre-eclampsia that in my head I already have it. But this? This makes me wonder if maybe I'll somehow avoid it. When I checked my BP last night it was 122/78 - perfectly normal. Is it possible that I will get through the rest of this pregnancy without any major medical meltdowns?
I sure hope so.
Thursday, July 23, 2015
22w0d.
Baby's size: Spaghetti squash. Really? I just made one for dinner last night and it was pretty big.
Next appointment: August 4.
Total weight gain: 57.2 lbs. No, that's not a typo. I put on nearly 20 lbs. in the week that I was away. I've already dropped 4.6 lbs. since I got home a day and a half ago, though, so I'm hoping more of the water/fluid drops away over the next week.
Exercise: I walked my ass off on this business trip. (My feet paid the price.)
Sleep: Getting somewhat better now that I have the CPAP. I'm dreaming again, at least when I use it. But I'm still having aches and pains that wake me up routinely, so it's not 100% yet.
Food cravings: Fruits and vegetables. A week of eating nothing but restaurant food and convention center catering will do that to you.
Symptoms: I'm feeling Jellybean flutter almost daily now. I love it. I smile every single time.
What I'm loving: Being home!
What I'm not loving: The crazy water weight gain. Between all of the sodium in the not-homemade food, the heat/humidity, and flying twice, I'm all kinds of messed up.
What I'm looking forward to: Getting back to a normal routine. I'm so glad this trip is over. I'm so glad that life is slowing down a smidge.
Best moment this week: Coming home to Mr. Hope and Precious Pup. It's so good to feel loved.
Next appointment: August 4.
Total weight gain: 57.2 lbs. No, that's not a typo. I put on nearly 20 lbs. in the week that I was away. I've already dropped 4.6 lbs. since I got home a day and a half ago, though, so I'm hoping more of the water/fluid drops away over the next week.
Exercise: I walked my ass off on this business trip. (My feet paid the price.)
Sleep: Getting somewhat better now that I have the CPAP. I'm dreaming again, at least when I use it. But I'm still having aches and pains that wake me up routinely, so it's not 100% yet.
Food cravings: Fruits and vegetables. A week of eating nothing but restaurant food and convention center catering will do that to you.
Symptoms: I'm feeling Jellybean flutter almost daily now. I love it. I smile every single time.
What I'm loving: Being home!
What I'm not loving: The crazy water weight gain. Between all of the sodium in the not-homemade food, the heat/humidity, and flying twice, I'm all kinds of messed up.
What I'm looking forward to: Getting back to a normal routine. I'm so glad this trip is over. I'm so glad that life is slowing down a smidge.
Best moment this week: Coming home to Mr. Hope and Precious Pup. It's so good to feel loved.
Thursday, May 28, 2015
14w0d.
Baby's size: Lemon.
Next appointment: June 12.
Total weight gain: 18.8 lbs. But I'm on the decline again, so hoping some of this is just my body trying to figure out how to operate off the progesterone and HCTZ at the same time. (So. Frustrating.)
Exercise: I'm walking more, but it's hot and mall walking isn't my thing. That said, I have a plan in place. Tomorrow I'm starting these pregnancy workout DVDs I ordered with Nugget but never got to use. Next weekend, I'm starting a pregnancy yoga class with a preggo friend. And gym with the BFF starts that week, too, so within the next 10 days I should have a comfortable routine down.
Sleep: Same as last week - waking up at least 3x a night to pee, waking up between 2:30 and 3:30 sick from hunger. New thing I tried last night: keeping a date-and-nut bar on my beside table. Ate half with the 1:30 pee and the other half with the 3:30 pee. No scary-sick hunger!
Food cravings: Fruit like you wouldn't believe, but I always get this way in the summer. Strawberries, blueberries, apricots, watermelon, cantaloupe - you name it, I want it.
Symptoms: I mentioned to the BFF that my nipples were so dark they were almost black, and she was like, "Uh, good luck with that." But that's a thing, right? Darkening areolas?
What I'm loving: The nursery chair we bought this weekend! It's a La-Z-Boy rocker/recliner. I'd had my eye on it for a couple of weeks, and then found out they were having a huge Memorial Day sale. The chair was almost $300 off! It was a bit of a splurge, but with this purchase we're officially finished buying nursery furniture.
What I'm not loving: Just how huge and gross I feel. I mean, I expected to feel like this at some point, but not at 14 weeks, you know?
What I'm looking forward to: Seeing the baby. I don't even know if I get to at the next appointment, or if she'll just go for Doppler, but I'm finding ultrasound withdrawal harder than expected. Is the baby still in there? My boobs are still killing me, and I'm not spotting or cramping, so I'm assuming yes, but you never know.
Best moment this week: This is TMI, but last night I had my first O in 14 weeks. So, that was pretty spectacular.
Next appointment: June 12.
Total weight gain: 18.8 lbs. But I'm on the decline again, so hoping some of this is just my body trying to figure out how to operate off the progesterone and HCTZ at the same time. (So. Frustrating.)
Exercise: I'm walking more, but it's hot and mall walking isn't my thing. That said, I have a plan in place. Tomorrow I'm starting these pregnancy workout DVDs I ordered with Nugget but never got to use. Next weekend, I'm starting a pregnancy yoga class with a preggo friend. And gym with the BFF starts that week, too, so within the next 10 days I should have a comfortable routine down.
Sleep: Same as last week - waking up at least 3x a night to pee, waking up between 2:30 and 3:30 sick from hunger. New thing I tried last night: keeping a date-and-nut bar on my beside table. Ate half with the 1:30 pee and the other half with the 3:30 pee. No scary-sick hunger!
Food cravings: Fruit like you wouldn't believe, but I always get this way in the summer. Strawberries, blueberries, apricots, watermelon, cantaloupe - you name it, I want it.
Symptoms: I mentioned to the BFF that my nipples were so dark they were almost black, and she was like, "Uh, good luck with that." But that's a thing, right? Darkening areolas?
What I'm loving: The nursery chair we bought this weekend! It's a La-Z-Boy rocker/recliner. I'd had my eye on it for a couple of weeks, and then found out they were having a huge Memorial Day sale. The chair was almost $300 off! It was a bit of a splurge, but with this purchase we're officially finished buying nursery furniture.
What I'm not loving: Just how huge and gross I feel. I mean, I expected to feel like this at some point, but not at 14 weeks, you know?
What I'm looking forward to: Seeing the baby. I don't even know if I get to at the next appointment, or if she'll just go for Doppler, but I'm finding ultrasound withdrawal harder than expected. Is the baby still in there? My boobs are still killing me, and I'm not spotting or cramping, so I'm assuming yes, but you never know.
Best moment this week: This is TMI, but last night I had my first O in 14 weeks. So, that was pretty spectacular.
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
the weight of pregnancy, part 2.
My weight woes continue.
I'd just started to lose a couple of pounds when I discontinued the progesterone. I know that whenever I take progesterone, I lose weight. So it should have occurred to me that stopping the progesterone would cause another gain, but it didn't.
I went up a pound and a half my first day off. Then another pound and a half the next day, and the next day after that - which put me at a 20+ lb. gain in the first 13.5 weeks.
Say what now?
I've dropped a little since, but not very much. It's so disheartening. I know I'm not supposed to care but I keep thinking the weight gain is going to pick up over the next two trimesters and I'm going to be well over 300 lbs. by the time I deliver.
Then again, I've also read that some women gain all of their weight in the first trimester and then very little the next two. Maybe I will be one of those?
In other news: the freelance project is done! I turned it into the project manager over the weekend. There may be some minor edits needed but I know the whole thing goes into production June 1 so I'm guessing I am almost at the finish line, if not already over it completely.
Of course, the day I turned it in, I felt like I was coming down with a cold. I'm all sinus pressure and green snot right now. Not a full-blown illness - my body is desperately trying to fight it off - but there are headaches and general exhaustion with which to content. It's not fun.
I don't mean to sound all complain-y, and I guess that's what's happening here. So I will shut up before I whine anymore.
I'd just started to lose a couple of pounds when I discontinued the progesterone. I know that whenever I take progesterone, I lose weight. So it should have occurred to me that stopping the progesterone would cause another gain, but it didn't.
I went up a pound and a half my first day off. Then another pound and a half the next day, and the next day after that - which put me at a 20+ lb. gain in the first 13.5 weeks.
Say what now?
I've dropped a little since, but not very much. It's so disheartening. I know I'm not supposed to care but I keep thinking the weight gain is going to pick up over the next two trimesters and I'm going to be well over 300 lbs. by the time I deliver.
Then again, I've also read that some women gain all of their weight in the first trimester and then very little the next two. Maybe I will be one of those?
In other news: the freelance project is done! I turned it into the project manager over the weekend. There may be some minor edits needed but I know the whole thing goes into production June 1 so I'm guessing I am almost at the finish line, if not already over it completely.
Of course, the day I turned it in, I felt like I was coming down with a cold. I'm all sinus pressure and green snot right now. Not a full-blown illness - my body is desperately trying to fight it off - but there are headaches and general exhaustion with which to content. It's not fun.
I don't mean to sound all complain-y, and I guess that's what's happening here. So I will shut up before I whine anymore.
Thursday, May 21, 2015
13w0d.
(Welcome to the second trimester, y'all!)
Baby's size: Peach or pea pod (the baby is now 3" - go look at that on a ruler)
Next appointment: June 12
Total weight gain: 15 lbs. But I was up to 17 lbs. a couple of days ago, so this is improvement. I think the rebound from discontinuing the HCTZ is starting to dissipate already. Keeping fingers crossed!
Exercise: I'm not doing enough walking. The plan currently is to finish the freelance project due next week, then start meeting the BFF at the gym 2-3 nights a week. I can't do much - just walk on the treadmill at a leisurely pace - but anything should help.
Sleep: Still kind of crappy. I wake to pee 1-3 times in the middle of the night. Also, between 2:30 and 3:30 a.m., I wake up nauseated and starving. For the past four nights I've wandered into the darkened kitchen, toasted up a piece of sprouted grain bread, put a little cream cheese on it, ate it standing up, and then gone back to bed. No joke.
Food cravings: Besides my middle-of-the-night toast breaks, I've had random cravings, like the other night when I sent Mr. Hope out for pudding and animal crackers. But also I've noticed I've been eating a lot more red meat than I typically do, and a lot less chicken. The other night I made this one pot dish with ground beef and peppers and it was so good, I was walking the leftovers into co-workers' offices and telling them how good it was.
Food aversions: None.
Symptoms: My boobs are still these things I wish I could unhook from my body and put on a shelf. The heartburn has gotten more persistent; people tell me this means I'll have a hairy baby. And I'm guessing the waking up hungry thing is a symptom of something - a friend said it meant the baby was having growth spurts while I was sleeping that was causing my blood sugar to drop.
What I'm loving: NO. MORE. PIO. Took the last shot last night. It's so liberating!
What I'm not loving: That I'm still exhausted so much of the time. This may ease up now that I'm off the progesterone. But, like, yesterday was gorgeous. My plan was to come home from work, leash up the dog, and go for a long walk. But on the drive home I started to get really hungry. So when I got home, I drank two glasses of milk, ate a cheese stick, and then promptly wanted to pass out. Which I later did.
What I'm looking forward to: This isn't entirely pregnancy related, but I should be done with the freelance project before my next update. And if I get some more energy back, that means lots of free time for myself. I want to enjoy it before I lose it!
Best moment this week: When Mr. Hope and I decided that we were turning in our membership to the "One and Done" club. More on this later.
Baby's size: Peach or pea pod (the baby is now 3" - go look at that on a ruler)
Next appointment: June 12
Total weight gain: 15 lbs. But I was up to 17 lbs. a couple of days ago, so this is improvement. I think the rebound from discontinuing the HCTZ is starting to dissipate already. Keeping fingers crossed!
Exercise: I'm not doing enough walking. The plan currently is to finish the freelance project due next week, then start meeting the BFF at the gym 2-3 nights a week. I can't do much - just walk on the treadmill at a leisurely pace - but anything should help.
Sleep: Still kind of crappy. I wake to pee 1-3 times in the middle of the night. Also, between 2:30 and 3:30 a.m., I wake up nauseated and starving. For the past four nights I've wandered into the darkened kitchen, toasted up a piece of sprouted grain bread, put a little cream cheese on it, ate it standing up, and then gone back to bed. No joke.
Food cravings: Besides my middle-of-the-night toast breaks, I've had random cravings, like the other night when I sent Mr. Hope out for pudding and animal crackers. But also I've noticed I've been eating a lot more red meat than I typically do, and a lot less chicken. The other night I made this one pot dish with ground beef and peppers and it was so good, I was walking the leftovers into co-workers' offices and telling them how good it was.
Food aversions: None.
Symptoms: My boobs are still these things I wish I could unhook from my body and put on a shelf. The heartburn has gotten more persistent; people tell me this means I'll have a hairy baby. And I'm guessing the waking up hungry thing is a symptom of something - a friend said it meant the baby was having growth spurts while I was sleeping that was causing my blood sugar to drop.
What I'm loving: NO. MORE. PIO. Took the last shot last night. It's so liberating!
What I'm not loving: That I'm still exhausted so much of the time. This may ease up now that I'm off the progesterone. But, like, yesterday was gorgeous. My plan was to come home from work, leash up the dog, and go for a long walk. But on the drive home I started to get really hungry. So when I got home, I drank two glasses of milk, ate a cheese stick, and then promptly wanted to pass out. Which I later did.
What I'm looking forward to: This isn't entirely pregnancy related, but I should be done with the freelance project before my next update. And if I get some more energy back, that means lots of free time for myself. I want to enjoy it before I lose it!
Best moment this week: When Mr. Hope and I decided that we were turning in our membership to the "One and Done" club. More on this later.
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
the weight of pregnancy.
Before I got pregnant, none of my doctors seemed concerned about my weight. I was the one freaking out. But they kept telling me, "Look, you can stand to lose some poundage, but your BP is good, your blood sugar is perfect, you don't have sleep apnea or anything like that. You're going to be fine."
So at some point in the TTC process, I stopped freaking out. I mean, yes, I was concerned about inflammation, so I ate a lot of avocados. And there was the three- to four-month period where I ate the EZ Diet and lost 20 lbs. and was all YAY, I AM LOSING AGAIN! But then our first pregnancy started to go south and the depression eating began. If the doctors told me nothing I ate was going to make a difference, why wouldn't I get a creamy pasta dish at the Italian restaurant? Why would I deny myself baked goods at Christmas?
When we miscarried (for those just tuning in, this was not due to anything I did or didn't eat, but chromosomal abnormalities), both Mr. Hope and I turned up the depression eating. I'm not going to lie; it was bad. Real bad. We basically ate whatever we wanted for a one-month period. And then, when we knew the next transfer was imminent, we started cleaning things up. But not nearly as hardcore as we did the first time around.
I was 45 lbs. up from my lowest weight when I got pregnant this time around. About 25 lbs. up from where I was the first time I got pregnant. And, as those of you who read this blog regularly know, it was my intention to not gain a single pound during the first trimester.
My body had other plans.
I bounced around in the same 4- to 5-pound range the first 8 weeks. Down, up, down, up. Nothing major. And then, in week 8, I started to put on weight. A lb. here, a lb. there. When I saw the OB for the first time, at almost 12 weeks, I was up 9 full pounds.
Ouch.
And then she took me off the HCTZ, which I knew would cause more gain. How much? Here, take a look:
Day 0 (first day I discontinued): 0 lbs.
Day 1: + 2 lbs.
Day 2: + 2 lbs.
Day 3: + 1.2 lbs.
Day 4: + 1 lb.
Day 5: + .6 lb.
Day 6: + .4 lb.
Day 7: - 1.6 lbs.
You see that last entry? That -1.6 lbs.? That's not a typo. I really did drop 1.6 lbs. between yesterday and today. Not eating anything radically different. Not adding any more exercise. Just poof! Extra water bloat starting to fall off.
There is hope for me yet.
I went back for my BP check yesterday. Quick recap: it was a little high at the first OB appt., 144/88. Pre-pregnancy, my BP was always in the 120/70 range. So when Dr. Direct wanted to put me on BP meds, I asked her if we could wait a week to see what my body did off the estrogen.
It paid off. My BP yesterday was 136/84. High end of normal. Something we need to keep an eye on, but not something requiring medication at this time. (Virtual high five, y'all!)
Dr. Direct is not a fan of me weighing myself every day. I brought in an index card with the same recorded weights I typed above. She said, "What's this?" I explained it to her, and how I weigh myself the same time every morning, naked, after I've gone to the bathroom but before I've had anything to eat or drink. She just kind of looked at me.
Later in the appointment, she ripped the card in half in front of me. She said, "I need you to stop obsessing over your weight. You're pregnant. You're going to gain weight."
I tried to explain how I didn't want to gain anything in the first trimester, and yet here I was, 17 lbs. up (as of yesterday).
Dr. Direct said, "Look, you need to lose weight. So do I know. We know this. But you can't do anything about it while you're pregnant. You can't reduce. You can eat healthfully. You can move around. But that's it. You can't deal with your weight until that baby is no longer inside of you."
She told me to stop weighing myself every day. Obviously, I did not heed this advice. I've weighed myself nearly every day for the past six years. This is how I keep an eye on the bottom line. Make sure I'm not putting on too much weight. If I am up 6 lbs., I course-correct and eat super-clean until I take it back off. When I'm in weight-loss mode, watching the scale daily helps keep me motivated. It tells me that what I'm doing is working. (The only exception being when I'm weight-training; the first month of new muscle results in very few lbs. lost but clothes fitting more loosely, so I'm okay in the long run.)
I'm sure you're wondering, "If you're so obsessed with your weight, why didn't you lose it all before you got pregnant?"
It's not like I didn't try. I did. I've been losing significant weight for the past 6 years (hence the scale-watching). Sometimes I'm better at it than others. Depression plays a huge factor; when I'm in the hole, I have a really hard time caring about what I put into my body. And also: I'm a fat girl who unabashedly likes food. I like to cook it, I like to eat it. Because of this, I will never be thin. I'm okay with that. But I would like to get down to a 14/16 at some time in my life. That would make me really, really happy.
Anyway.
Yesterday I ate 90% good and 10% not so good. Dessert was about 1/3 of a cup of chocolate pudding, some whipped cream on top, and a handful of animal crackers. Other than that, I ate a ton of protein, fiber, good fats, fruits, and vegetables. I drank water, herbal tea, decaf coffee, milk. This is my typical daily diet - mostly clean with a sweet thing or salty snack thrown in at night, depending on what I'm craving.
I'm not sure if the weight loss has anything to do with what I'm eating and/or how much OR if it's just because the retention from stopping the HCTZ is easing up and/or weening from the prednisone is helping. I might never know.
But I will say that today, I feel lighter. Not just because I literally am, but because pretty soon, my body will be close to its natural state. I'm on half doses of prednisone that are about to go down to quarter doses. I have one shot of PIO left and two nights of progesterone capsules. Then, no more artificial hormones. And within another week, no more steroids.
Let's see what this body does when left to its own devices.
So at some point in the TTC process, I stopped freaking out. I mean, yes, I was concerned about inflammation, so I ate a lot of avocados. And there was the three- to four-month period where I ate the EZ Diet and lost 20 lbs. and was all YAY, I AM LOSING AGAIN! But then our first pregnancy started to go south and the depression eating began. If the doctors told me nothing I ate was going to make a difference, why wouldn't I get a creamy pasta dish at the Italian restaurant? Why would I deny myself baked goods at Christmas?
When we miscarried (for those just tuning in, this was not due to anything I did or didn't eat, but chromosomal abnormalities), both Mr. Hope and I turned up the depression eating. I'm not going to lie; it was bad. Real bad. We basically ate whatever we wanted for a one-month period. And then, when we knew the next transfer was imminent, we started cleaning things up. But not nearly as hardcore as we did the first time around.
I was 45 lbs. up from my lowest weight when I got pregnant this time around. About 25 lbs. up from where I was the first time I got pregnant. And, as those of you who read this blog regularly know, it was my intention to not gain a single pound during the first trimester.
My body had other plans.
I bounced around in the same 4- to 5-pound range the first 8 weeks. Down, up, down, up. Nothing major. And then, in week 8, I started to put on weight. A lb. here, a lb. there. When I saw the OB for the first time, at almost 12 weeks, I was up 9 full pounds.
Ouch.
And then she took me off the HCTZ, which I knew would cause more gain. How much? Here, take a look:
Day 0 (first day I discontinued): 0 lbs.
Day 1: + 2 lbs.
Day 2: + 2 lbs.
Day 3: + 1.2 lbs.
Day 4: + 1 lb.
Day 5: + .6 lb.
Day 6: + .4 lb.
Day 7: - 1.6 lbs.
You see that last entry? That -1.6 lbs.? That's not a typo. I really did drop 1.6 lbs. between yesterday and today. Not eating anything radically different. Not adding any more exercise. Just poof! Extra water bloat starting to fall off.
There is hope for me yet.
I went back for my BP check yesterday. Quick recap: it was a little high at the first OB appt., 144/88. Pre-pregnancy, my BP was always in the 120/70 range. So when Dr. Direct wanted to put me on BP meds, I asked her if we could wait a week to see what my body did off the estrogen.
It paid off. My BP yesterday was 136/84. High end of normal. Something we need to keep an eye on, but not something requiring medication at this time. (Virtual high five, y'all!)
Dr. Direct is not a fan of me weighing myself every day. I brought in an index card with the same recorded weights I typed above. She said, "What's this?" I explained it to her, and how I weigh myself the same time every morning, naked, after I've gone to the bathroom but before I've had anything to eat or drink. She just kind of looked at me.
Later in the appointment, she ripped the card in half in front of me. She said, "I need you to stop obsessing over your weight. You're pregnant. You're going to gain weight."
I tried to explain how I didn't want to gain anything in the first trimester, and yet here I was, 17 lbs. up (as of yesterday).
Dr. Direct said, "Look, you need to lose weight. So do I know. We know this. But you can't do anything about it while you're pregnant. You can't reduce. You can eat healthfully. You can move around. But that's it. You can't deal with your weight until that baby is no longer inside of you."
She told me to stop weighing myself every day. Obviously, I did not heed this advice. I've weighed myself nearly every day for the past six years. This is how I keep an eye on the bottom line. Make sure I'm not putting on too much weight. If I am up 6 lbs., I course-correct and eat super-clean until I take it back off. When I'm in weight-loss mode, watching the scale daily helps keep me motivated. It tells me that what I'm doing is working. (The only exception being when I'm weight-training; the first month of new muscle results in very few lbs. lost but clothes fitting more loosely, so I'm okay in the long run.)
I'm sure you're wondering, "If you're so obsessed with your weight, why didn't you lose it all before you got pregnant?"
It's not like I didn't try. I did. I've been losing significant weight for the past 6 years (hence the scale-watching). Sometimes I'm better at it than others. Depression plays a huge factor; when I'm in the hole, I have a really hard time caring about what I put into my body. And also: I'm a fat girl who unabashedly likes food. I like to cook it, I like to eat it. Because of this, I will never be thin. I'm okay with that. But I would like to get down to a 14/16 at some time in my life. That would make me really, really happy.
Anyway.
Yesterday I ate 90% good and 10% not so good. Dessert was about 1/3 of a cup of chocolate pudding, some whipped cream on top, and a handful of animal crackers. Other than that, I ate a ton of protein, fiber, good fats, fruits, and vegetables. I drank water, herbal tea, decaf coffee, milk. This is my typical daily diet - mostly clean with a sweet thing or salty snack thrown in at night, depending on what I'm craving.
I'm not sure if the weight loss has anything to do with what I'm eating and/or how much OR if it's just because the retention from stopping the HCTZ is easing up and/or weening from the prednisone is helping. I might never know.
But I will say that today, I feel lighter. Not just because I literally am, but because pretty soon, my body will be close to its natural state. I'm on half doses of prednisone that are about to go down to quarter doses. I have one shot of PIO left and two nights of progesterone capsules. Then, no more artificial hormones. And within another week, no more steroids.
Let's see what this body does when left to its own devices.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
12w0d.
Baby's size: Plum.
Next appointment: May 19 (just a BP check - next OB appt. isn't until June 12!)
Total weight gain: 11.8 lbs. To be fair, a little more than four lbs. of that was added since yesterday, when I discontinued the HCTZ. This is exactly what I feared. I've read that after going off of it, people pack on up to 20 lbs. of water weight and that it can take them up to a month for that to start to come off. Yeah, this isn't going to fuck with my head at all.
Exercise: OB is encouraging me to walk. So I should probably start doing that.
Sleep: Crappy this week. Have been peeing a lot in the middle of the night. Then have trouble getting back to sleep. It doesn't help that Mr. Hope is a psycho-snorer.
Food cravings: None this week.
Food aversions: None.
Symptoms: My boobs are crazy sore. Like, so bad that I don't even want to release them from my bra at night. Also this bloating. MY GOD, THE BLOATING.
What I'm loving: Our families' reaction to the news. Also that we bought a crib. That's huge for me.
What I'm not loving: Where do I start? My anxiety level, the overnight water weight gain, waking up to pee 12 times a night, the fact that I still haven't gotten my MaterniT21 Plus test results (though my OB's nurse said I should get them today).
What I'm looking forward to: I am hoping that the test results are good and give me some peace of mind. Also that I don't keep packing on pounds of water weight. I literally drank 18 8 oz. glasses of pure water yesterday, plus another two of lemon water, two of decaf coffee, and 4 oz. of milk. So I was surprised by the scale this morning. I don't know what else I can do. Might just have to ride this out.
Best moment this week: I don't know. Maybe it was when I didn't freak out after Dr. Direct said she wasn't going to give us an ultrasound? I feel like if I get those test results and it's good news, then that would be what goes here.
Next appointment: May 19 (just a BP check - next OB appt. isn't until June 12!)
Total weight gain: 11.8 lbs. To be fair, a little more than four lbs. of that was added since yesterday, when I discontinued the HCTZ. This is exactly what I feared. I've read that after going off of it, people pack on up to 20 lbs. of water weight and that it can take them up to a month for that to start to come off. Yeah, this isn't going to fuck with my head at all.
Exercise: OB is encouraging me to walk. So I should probably start doing that.
Sleep: Crappy this week. Have been peeing a lot in the middle of the night. Then have trouble getting back to sleep. It doesn't help that Mr. Hope is a psycho-snorer.
Food cravings: None this week.
Food aversions: None.
Symptoms: My boobs are crazy sore. Like, so bad that I don't even want to release them from my bra at night. Also this bloating. MY GOD, THE BLOATING.
What I'm loving: Our families' reaction to the news. Also that we bought a crib. That's huge for me.
What I'm not loving: Where do I start? My anxiety level, the overnight water weight gain, waking up to pee 12 times a night, the fact that I still haven't gotten my MaterniT21 Plus test results (though my OB's nurse said I should get them today).
What I'm looking forward to: I am hoping that the test results are good and give me some peace of mind. Also that I don't keep packing on pounds of water weight. I literally drank 18 8 oz. glasses of pure water yesterday, plus another two of lemon water, two of decaf coffee, and 4 oz. of milk. So I was surprised by the scale this morning. I don't know what else I can do. Might just have to ride this out.
Best moment this week: I don't know. Maybe it was when I didn't freak out after Dr. Direct said she wasn't going to give us an ultrasound? I feel like if I get those test results and it's good news, then that would be what goes here.
Thursday, April 30, 2015
10w0d.
Baby's size: Kumquat (other sites say prune).
Next appointment: May 4.
Total weight gain: 6 lbs. So, up another 3 lbs. from last week. I honestly don't understand, because I've been even MORE conscious of what I'm eating. And I've been less hungry, too. Really hoping this turns out to be "Agony is on too many artificial hormones and so is packing on the water" weight.
Exercise: I am off restrictions! But Dr. Smiles was clear about me being "intelligent" about what I do, so I'm still not lifting anything over 10 lbs., and if I'm carrying anything I won't take the stairs at work (but will if I'm not carrying stuff). I just want to get out of the first trimester and then I can think about adding in some walking.
Sleep: I've been averaging about 8.5 hours a night. Pre-pregnancy, I was a solid 7 a night girl. There was one night I wanted to go to bed at like 8:30, but was afraid I'd get up in the middle of the night and mess up my whole schedule. In other words, I'm flipping TIRED.
Food cravings: Milk. I know that's technically a beverage and not a food, but I've been drinking at least one glass of milk a day.
Food aversions: None this week, though I've definitely not been eating salty/crunchy stuff like I typically do. Just haven't wanted it.
Symptoms: Pretty much the same. Barely any nausea, intermittent heartburn, vivid dreams. My boobs swing wildly from hurting so badly I want to cry to nothing at all, when I can mush them in my hand and don't feel a thing. I'm getting used to not having typical preggo symptoms.
What I'm loving: My anxiety level, which has been remarkably lower lately. I still get anxious the night before an ultrasound, but for the most part, I've been able to feel a little more normal.
What I'm not loving: The scale. I saw Quirky yesterday and we talked a lot about body image issues and food issues and weight issues. Her point was that if I'm eating mostly healthfully but having a peanut butter cup here and there (her words, not mine, though I do love me some PB cups), then I shouldn't be panicky. She said, "If you're eating 40 peanut butter cups in one sitting, then you have a problem." So I am trying not to freak out, especially since I know my body is very sensitive to the hormones and if the placenta is starting to produce estrogen and I'm still on estrace 3x/day, that could totally pack on fake weight that will hopefully start to come off once I'm off the meds. (Can you tell I think about this stuff a LOT?)
What I'm looking forward to: Graduation! Monday is my last appointment at Posh Clinic, and even though I love Dr. Smiles and his staff, the hour-long drives up and back have been wearing on me. Also: Supposed to get the MaterniT21 test drawn on Monday (though OB forgot to put my DX codes on the lab order, so GRUMBLE).
Best moment this week: That delicious little wave Jellybean gave us on Monday. I can't stop thinking about it. It was just the cutest thing.
Next appointment: May 4.
Total weight gain: 6 lbs. So, up another 3 lbs. from last week. I honestly don't understand, because I've been even MORE conscious of what I'm eating. And I've been less hungry, too. Really hoping this turns out to be "Agony is on too many artificial hormones and so is packing on the water" weight.
Exercise: I am off restrictions! But Dr. Smiles was clear about me being "intelligent" about what I do, so I'm still not lifting anything over 10 lbs., and if I'm carrying anything I won't take the stairs at work (but will if I'm not carrying stuff). I just want to get out of the first trimester and then I can think about adding in some walking.
Sleep: I've been averaging about 8.5 hours a night. Pre-pregnancy, I was a solid 7 a night girl. There was one night I wanted to go to bed at like 8:30, but was afraid I'd get up in the middle of the night and mess up my whole schedule. In other words, I'm flipping TIRED.
Food cravings: Milk. I know that's technically a beverage and not a food, but I've been drinking at least one glass of milk a day.
Food aversions: None this week, though I've definitely not been eating salty/crunchy stuff like I typically do. Just haven't wanted it.
Symptoms: Pretty much the same. Barely any nausea, intermittent heartburn, vivid dreams. My boobs swing wildly from hurting so badly I want to cry to nothing at all, when I can mush them in my hand and don't feel a thing. I'm getting used to not having typical preggo symptoms.
What I'm loving: My anxiety level, which has been remarkably lower lately. I still get anxious the night before an ultrasound, but for the most part, I've been able to feel a little more normal.
What I'm not loving: The scale. I saw Quirky yesterday and we talked a lot about body image issues and food issues and weight issues. Her point was that if I'm eating mostly healthfully but having a peanut butter cup here and there (her words, not mine, though I do love me some PB cups), then I shouldn't be panicky. She said, "If you're eating 40 peanut butter cups in one sitting, then you have a problem." So I am trying not to freak out, especially since I know my body is very sensitive to the hormones and if the placenta is starting to produce estrogen and I'm still on estrace 3x/day, that could totally pack on fake weight that will hopefully start to come off once I'm off the meds. (Can you tell I think about this stuff a LOT?)
What I'm looking forward to: Graduation! Monday is my last appointment at Posh Clinic, and even though I love Dr. Smiles and his staff, the hour-long drives up and back have been wearing on me. Also: Supposed to get the MaterniT21 test drawn on Monday (though OB forgot to put my DX codes on the lab order, so GRUMBLE).
Best moment this week: That delicious little wave Jellybean gave us on Monday. I can't stop thinking about it. It was just the cutest thing.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
we've got a fighter in there.
Since Dr. Smiles is on vacation this week, we had two options for yesterday's appointment: 7:30 a.m. at the usual location to see his PA, or 9:30 a.m. at a different location with Dr. Colleague. Since both locations are 45-60 minutes from our house, we opted for the latter.
It was the first time visiting Posh Clinic's sister location. When we arrived I had to go to the bathroom, because this pregnancy peeing thing is no joke. There, on both sides of the hallway, were these gigantic paintings of sunflowers.
I don't write a lot about my mom, but I will say that sunflowers were her thing. After she died, I started seeing sunflowers in random places, often when I was thinking about her or missing her something fierce. When I saw those sunflowers in the hallway, I thought, "Everything's going to be okay." And then immediately wanted to beat myself in the head, because every time I think something like that I'm sure it's me just tempting fate or whatever.
We waited a long time for the ultrasound, and by the time we went back I felt like I had to pee again. But I was already undressed. The tech came in, inserted the probe thing, and declared my bladder too full. So, pants came back on and I went for a second pee. See what I mean? Pregnancy peeing is seriously no joke.
Finally, the scan.
There she was, noticeably bigger. There she was, with a heart beating strong.
Nugget had grown to 7.3 mm. The tech said she should've been 8 mm but she'd grown appropriately since my last visit so she wasn't concerned. The sac was a little small, she noted. The machine registered Nugget's FHR as 144 bpm, which is up from the 119 it was last week.
I didn't cry during this scan, though I grinned like an idiot when the tech pointed out the flash that was Nugget's heart. I still haven't gotten to listen to the heartbeat, but this was the first time I could see it clear as day.
Back to the waiting room until we could see Dr. Colleague. Of all the doctors in the practice, she is definitely the warmest and fuzziest. She's also quite animated. We decided we liked her a lot. She remembered that she did my retrieval and was all handshakes and happy talk.
"The baby's grown beautifully," she told us. "The heart rate is gorgeous."
But what about those pesky hCG levels?
She said, "We shouldn't be seeing what we're seeing [on the ultrasound] with numbers like these, but we are. So we don't care about the numbers anymore."
She said, "We know what hCG is supposed to do, but most women aren't getting their levels checked every four days. So what do we know, really?"
She said, "I don't want to get your hopes up, When I see numbers like these it usually means miscarriage."
But she also told us about a patient she had in her previous practice that had numbers like mine, where the hCG was super low and slow and never doubled properly. That patient begged her to schedule a D&E, because clearly the baby wasn't going to make it. Dr. Colleague told her they couldn't do that as long as the heart was beating.
That heart never stopped beating, and she went on to deliver a healthy baby.
"You could be our - I don't want to say one in a million, more like one in a hundred thousand. You could be that one in a hundred thousand who defies all odds."
She told us we didn't have to come back for a week. She said, "I'm sure these ultrasounds every four days aren't doing anything to help your anxiety level."
So we go back next Tuesday. I'm pregnant for at least another week.
We left in two very different places, me and Mr. Hope. I felt lighter, less burdened. Nugget was alive! Nugget's heart was beating stronger! Nugget's stubborn, just like her mama.
Mr. Hope, on the other hand, seemed lower, more burdened. "Talk to me," I said. "What are you thinking?"
He shrugged. "That was good news, I guess."
Talk about a role reversal!
It's like Mr. Hope landed where I've been, in the painful limbo where you just want to know: is the baby going to live or is the baby going to die? For whatever reason, I'm getting more comfortable with the uncertainty, while he's growing less comfortable with it.
I updated the people who needed to be updated. People aren't even sure what to say anymore. They tell me they're "cautiously optimistic" or that they're holding their breath or saying prayers. It's nice and yet at the same time I feel horrible that I've dragged them into this limbo with us. Quirky's response was the best: "Geez!!! I guess there's still a chance?!?"
Guess so.
Yesterday I was exhausted - I've been SO tired lately - but late afternoon I went into the kitchen to cook. I queued up some Taylor Swift (because obviously I'm turning into a 12-year-old girl) and then proceeded to dance my ass off as I made gumbo.
Like I said: lighter than I've felt in weeks.
Speaking of, I dropped 6.2 lbs. of water weight in the past two days. I'm only a few pounds up from where I was pre-Christmas. I've upped my protein and veg intake and have been guzzling water like a boss. I've read that sometimes the sac can read smaller if the mother is dehydrated, and I know my water intake hasn't been great the past week. Yesterday I had about 140 oz. of pure water, plus 16 oz. of milk, 20 oz. of decaf coffee, and 12 oz. of rooibos tea. So, yeah. DEFINITELY pumping my system full of liquids!
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
confessions of a bitter infertile.
Yesterday I had my eighth solo appointment with Quirky, my infertility counselor. I first met her over two years ago, when she came to speak to my Resolve support group about tips for getting through the holidays. She doesn't take insurance and is out of network, and at the time I wasn't in a good financial position to start seeing her. But, once we made the decision to pursue donor embryos, I called her to see if I could work through some of my anxieties and fears with her. Turns out she was able to do our requisite pre-donor counseling session as well.
I like Quirky - a lot. And I like working with her. I have been seeing therapists fairly continuously since I was 17 (I have struggled with depression and anxiety since I was very young). Chance, who started as Mr. Hope's and my family counselor, started seeing me one-on-one about a year and a half ago. In the beginning, he was just the kick in the ass I needed to start making some serious changes in my life.
But after a while, the one thing I needed to talk about most in therapy was my infertility. Plucky, the therapist I was seeing prior to chance, had this bad habit of comparing my infertility to that of Julianna and Bill Rancic, as that was literally the extent of her knowledge. Hence one of the reasons I stopped seeing Plucky, because hi, really? Julianna and Bill?
But Chance isn't much better when it comes to the babymaking blues. In fact, lately I've been considering taking a break from therapy, since I haven't been getting much out of my sessions with him for months. He had Mr. Hope and me come in together on Christmas Eve, to make sure we were okay with everything going on, and I sat there for half an hour recounting what had been happening before he sent us home. In the parking lot I turned to Mr. Hope and said, "Is it me or was that a colossal waste of time?"
Quirky, though...Quirky gets it. (In)fertility is her bailiwick. Pregnancy, loss, adoption, donor gametes - you name it, she covers it. And yesterday she really took me task.
My appointment with Quirky was for 2 p.m. Yesterday was the first day I'd been home alone in a week. It was the first day without holiday craziness or house guests. I was supposed to get up, work on my freelance project, do some laundry, make some soup, and balance the checkbook. Instead, I sat on the couch and binge-watched an old sci-fi show on Netflix, drifting in and out of sleep as I did.
Before my appointment I had to drive to my office to pick up my bottle of vitamins. I'd run out at home and Mr. Hope was freaking out that one day off prenatals would be enough to do Nugget in. On the way there I listened to a sweet, country-flavored pop song on repeat and, out of nowhere, started crying. In the car. While listening to Taylor Swift. (The song is "Stay, Stay, Stay" if you're interested.)
Then I had to pick up an audiobook at the library. More tears. More frustration about getting stuck behind old people and people on their phones and generally crappy drivers.
So when I arrived at Quirky's office, I wasn't doing so hot. I was still sniffling back some tears. I was wearing zero makeup and my hair may have been slightly wet from the shower I took before I headed out.
"Talk to me," she said. "What's going on?"
I told her about watching What to Expect When You're Expecting.
"Why would you do that?" she asked immediately.
"Masochism?"
"Maybe," she said. "Or maybe you needed to cry."
"More likely masochism."
I told her that I realized right after Mr. Hope left for work that my boobs had stopped hurting entirely. I mean, there was nothing. I could mush them with my hands and there was not a single spot of tenderness. I told her that I knew then I'd lost the baby.
She said, "You realize it doesn't work like that, right? Even in a normal pregnancy, symptoms come and go like that. When you lose a baby, your symptoms don't disappear that quickly. It takes a while for your body to catch up."
I shrugged. I did a lot of shrugging yesterday.
(Side note: when I got back into my car after the appointment, and buckled my seat belt, I winced. Guess what? Boob tenderness back with a vengeance.)
I talked to Quirky about what a horrible person I was, because the weekend with Mini-Hope was so rough. I told her that 80% of the time I don't even like Mini-Hope, and this makes me wonder if I'm even fit to be a parent.
Quirky said, "I don't believe you think that at all. You know you're not a horrible person. How old is Mini-Hope? Ten? She's not going to be likable a lot of the time. And it's okay to feel this way. Why are you being so hard on yourself? Why aren't you giving yourself any love right now?"
So then I proceeded to outline all of the reasons why I am a piece of shit not deserving of self-love. And she proceeded to tear down my reasons one by one.
We talked about a lot of things yesterday. About how part of my devastation over this miscarriage limbo is due to the fact that this could be Mr. Hope's and my genetic child. When I found out only one embryo implanted, I was convinced it was the donors'. When the embryo stopped hitting benchmarks, I became convinced it was ours. Mr. Hope has said he doesn't care whose it is, and that we'd only be testing after birth to make sure we had the right medical history. But that's his feeling, not mine.
My feeling is this: we wanted a biological child. We were unable to have one. We decided we wanted to be parents, period. We decided to pursue the use of donor embryos. But it's not like that was ever our first choice. That was our backup plan. Our only realistic path to parenthood.
It's not that I would love a baby created from donor embryos any less. And if Nugget pulls through and it turns out she isn't made from our DNA, who the fuck cares? It's a baby. OUR baby.
But I feel weird saying these things, even to Quirky. About how donor embryos are our backup because we couldn't make the genetic thing work. About how deeply saddened I am that there might never be a tiny human that's half Agony and half Hope. About how I see these rah-rah donor embryo women in my super-secret FB support group who are all snowflake this and snowflake that, and how I wish I could be like them but I'm not.
I am grateful that embryo donation is a thing. I know it's given a lot of infertile couples a gift they never dreamed they'd have. We may be one of those couples.
But the whole snowflake thing is just a little too precious for me. There, I said it. In the FB group, there was this 10-day stretch of women posting any little thing they found on Amazon that had a snowflake on it. Jewelry, t-shirts, socks, Christmas lights, etc. It's winter and it's Christmas, so yeah, there's a lot of snowflake shit out in the retail world right now. Do we need to post all of it?
I know there are women who embrace the snowflake thing 100%. I get it. I do. The embryos are frozen, see. They're unique. Just like little snowflakes.
I feel like I should add a disclaimer here and say that I don't look down upon anyone who digs the snowflake thing. I really don't. I kind of wish I could be part of this particular sorority, but I'm too fucking bitter and not nearly adorable enough.
So.
Quirky's whole thing was this: "Why are you censoring yourself in here? You need to be honest with me. You need to say what you think and what you feel."
But I'm a good girl. I always have been. I go out of my way to not hurt people's feelings. I have trouble saying no. I hate it when people are angry with me. I don't want anyone to think I'm a bad person. Ever.
In the spirit of being more honest, though, there's this:
I hate being out in the world and seeing women with cute little baby bumps. I will never have that bump, even if I have a pregnancy that sticks. Fat women don't get bumps - they just look fatter.
I hate being out in the world and seeing women with babies who look annoyed to have babies. Or who yell at their toddlers in stores. Or who threaten to spank them when they misbehave. Why can you have a fucking child and I can't? I would never hit my child. Never.
I get irritated by women who get pregnant easily. I get irritated by most pregnant women in general, actually. Unless I know they've struggled with infertility or suspect they have. Then you get a pass, because you had to work really hard for that baby. You, I like. You, I not only tolerate pregnant, but am actually happy for.
I hate the way my stepdaughter is being raised and hate even more that Mr. Hope and I are powerless over it. I hate that she's turned into such a spoiled brat. I hate that she only seems to like me when I say yes to her and give her what she wants. I don't do that very often, so she doesn't like me very often, and this makes me like her even less. I hate that Mr. Hope doesn't nut up and be more of a father when it comes to her, even though I understand where that comes from. (Elevator version: he didn't even know about her until she was almost five, so he missed out on all of those early formative years.)
I still feel responsible for my infertility. I'm too fat. I smoked when I was younger. I waited too long to have kids. I rushed the surgery to remove my dermoid cyst instead of waiting to find a doctor who would've tried to save my ovary.
I'm broken. I can't do the one thing a woman was built to do, even with donor gametes in my body.
I hate that I'm going to lose this baby, and I hate that there's a part of me that doesn't believe I'm going to lose this baby, even though all evidence says otherwise.
At one point yesterday, Quirky said, "I'm concerned that you've already decided how this is going to turn out, when you might not even be going down that path. And you will have wasted weeks being miserable and waiting for something that might not happen."
I said, "So, what? If Nugget makes it and I wasted the first trimester feeling miserable, oh well. I will have a baby. Who cares if I missed out on the joy of pregnancy if I end up with a baby?"
I'd give anything for Nugget to make it. To become a healthy baby in my arms. Boy or girl - ultimately I don't give a shit. C-section? Who cares? Cut me open. Get that baby out.
My birthday is coming up. I'm going to be 39. In fertility years that's like 104, especially if you're DOR like I am. Quirky says it doesn't matter when you're using donor gametes but you know. I'd like to not be on Social Security when this kid enters high school. And god forbid we decide to go for a sibling. I'll be like the only kindergarten mom with an AARP membership.
One last thing: I think my theory on the weight gain was spot-on. Only one day of eating mostly (and not entirely) healthy and I've already dropped almost three pounds. So that's a minor relief.
Got to get ready for Ultrasound #4. Expecting the worst but hoping for the best. (Dear god, please - PLEASE - surprise me.)
I like Quirky - a lot. And I like working with her. I have been seeing therapists fairly continuously since I was 17 (I have struggled with depression and anxiety since I was very young). Chance, who started as Mr. Hope's and my family counselor, started seeing me one-on-one about a year and a half ago. In the beginning, he was just the kick in the ass I needed to start making some serious changes in my life.
But after a while, the one thing I needed to talk about most in therapy was my infertility. Plucky, the therapist I was seeing prior to chance, had this bad habit of comparing my infertility to that of Julianna and Bill Rancic, as that was literally the extent of her knowledge. Hence one of the reasons I stopped seeing Plucky, because hi, really? Julianna and Bill?
But Chance isn't much better when it comes to the babymaking blues. In fact, lately I've been considering taking a break from therapy, since I haven't been getting much out of my sessions with him for months. He had Mr. Hope and me come in together on Christmas Eve, to make sure we were okay with everything going on, and I sat there for half an hour recounting what had been happening before he sent us home. In the parking lot I turned to Mr. Hope and said, "Is it me or was that a colossal waste of time?"
Quirky, though...Quirky gets it. (In)fertility is her bailiwick. Pregnancy, loss, adoption, donor gametes - you name it, she covers it. And yesterday she really took me task.
My appointment with Quirky was for 2 p.m. Yesterday was the first day I'd been home alone in a week. It was the first day without holiday craziness or house guests. I was supposed to get up, work on my freelance project, do some laundry, make some soup, and balance the checkbook. Instead, I sat on the couch and binge-watched an old sci-fi show on Netflix, drifting in and out of sleep as I did.
Before my appointment I had to drive to my office to pick up my bottle of vitamins. I'd run out at home and Mr. Hope was freaking out that one day off prenatals would be enough to do Nugget in. On the way there I listened to a sweet, country-flavored pop song on repeat and, out of nowhere, started crying. In the car. While listening to Taylor Swift. (The song is "Stay, Stay, Stay" if you're interested.)
Then I had to pick up an audiobook at the library. More tears. More frustration about getting stuck behind old people and people on their phones and generally crappy drivers.
So when I arrived at Quirky's office, I wasn't doing so hot. I was still sniffling back some tears. I was wearing zero makeup and my hair may have been slightly wet from the shower I took before I headed out.
"Talk to me," she said. "What's going on?"
I told her about watching What to Expect When You're Expecting.
"Why would you do that?" she asked immediately.
"Masochism?"
"Maybe," she said. "Or maybe you needed to cry."
"More likely masochism."
I told her that I realized right after Mr. Hope left for work that my boobs had stopped hurting entirely. I mean, there was nothing. I could mush them with my hands and there was not a single spot of tenderness. I told her that I knew then I'd lost the baby.
She said, "You realize it doesn't work like that, right? Even in a normal pregnancy, symptoms come and go like that. When you lose a baby, your symptoms don't disappear that quickly. It takes a while for your body to catch up."
I shrugged. I did a lot of shrugging yesterday.
(Side note: when I got back into my car after the appointment, and buckled my seat belt, I winced. Guess what? Boob tenderness back with a vengeance.)
I talked to Quirky about what a horrible person I was, because the weekend with Mini-Hope was so rough. I told her that 80% of the time I don't even like Mini-Hope, and this makes me wonder if I'm even fit to be a parent.
Quirky said, "I don't believe you think that at all. You know you're not a horrible person. How old is Mini-Hope? Ten? She's not going to be likable a lot of the time. And it's okay to feel this way. Why are you being so hard on yourself? Why aren't you giving yourself any love right now?"
So then I proceeded to outline all of the reasons why I am a piece of shit not deserving of self-love. And she proceeded to tear down my reasons one by one.
We talked about a lot of things yesterday. About how part of my devastation over this miscarriage limbo is due to the fact that this could be Mr. Hope's and my genetic child. When I found out only one embryo implanted, I was convinced it was the donors'. When the embryo stopped hitting benchmarks, I became convinced it was ours. Mr. Hope has said he doesn't care whose it is, and that we'd only be testing after birth to make sure we had the right medical history. But that's his feeling, not mine.
My feeling is this: we wanted a biological child. We were unable to have one. We decided we wanted to be parents, period. We decided to pursue the use of donor embryos. But it's not like that was ever our first choice. That was our backup plan. Our only realistic path to parenthood.
It's not that I would love a baby created from donor embryos any less. And if Nugget pulls through and it turns out she isn't made from our DNA, who the fuck cares? It's a baby. OUR baby.
But I feel weird saying these things, even to Quirky. About how donor embryos are our backup because we couldn't make the genetic thing work. About how deeply saddened I am that there might never be a tiny human that's half Agony and half Hope. About how I see these rah-rah donor embryo women in my super-secret FB support group who are all snowflake this and snowflake that, and how I wish I could be like them but I'm not.
I am grateful that embryo donation is a thing. I know it's given a lot of infertile couples a gift they never dreamed they'd have. We may be one of those couples.
But the whole snowflake thing is just a little too precious for me. There, I said it. In the FB group, there was this 10-day stretch of women posting any little thing they found on Amazon that had a snowflake on it. Jewelry, t-shirts, socks, Christmas lights, etc. It's winter and it's Christmas, so yeah, there's a lot of snowflake shit out in the retail world right now. Do we need to post all of it?
I know there are women who embrace the snowflake thing 100%. I get it. I do. The embryos are frozen, see. They're unique. Just like little snowflakes.
I feel like I should add a disclaimer here and say that I don't look down upon anyone who digs the snowflake thing. I really don't. I kind of wish I could be part of this particular sorority, but I'm too fucking bitter and not nearly adorable enough.
So.
Quirky's whole thing was this: "Why are you censoring yourself in here? You need to be honest with me. You need to say what you think and what you feel."
But I'm a good girl. I always have been. I go out of my way to not hurt people's feelings. I have trouble saying no. I hate it when people are angry with me. I don't want anyone to think I'm a bad person. Ever.
In the spirit of being more honest, though, there's this:
I hate being out in the world and seeing women with cute little baby bumps. I will never have that bump, even if I have a pregnancy that sticks. Fat women don't get bumps - they just look fatter.
I hate being out in the world and seeing women with babies who look annoyed to have babies. Or who yell at their toddlers in stores. Or who threaten to spank them when they misbehave. Why can you have a fucking child and I can't? I would never hit my child. Never.
I get irritated by women who get pregnant easily. I get irritated by most pregnant women in general, actually. Unless I know they've struggled with infertility or suspect they have. Then you get a pass, because you had to work really hard for that baby. You, I like. You, I not only tolerate pregnant, but am actually happy for.
I hate the way my stepdaughter is being raised and hate even more that Mr. Hope and I are powerless over it. I hate that she's turned into such a spoiled brat. I hate that she only seems to like me when I say yes to her and give her what she wants. I don't do that very often, so she doesn't like me very often, and this makes me like her even less. I hate that Mr. Hope doesn't nut up and be more of a father when it comes to her, even though I understand where that comes from. (Elevator version: he didn't even know about her until she was almost five, so he missed out on all of those early formative years.)
I still feel responsible for my infertility. I'm too fat. I smoked when I was younger. I waited too long to have kids. I rushed the surgery to remove my dermoid cyst instead of waiting to find a doctor who would've tried to save my ovary.
I'm broken. I can't do the one thing a woman was built to do, even with donor gametes in my body.
I hate that I'm going to lose this baby, and I hate that there's a part of me that doesn't believe I'm going to lose this baby, even though all evidence says otherwise.
At one point yesterday, Quirky said, "I'm concerned that you've already decided how this is going to turn out, when you might not even be going down that path. And you will have wasted weeks being miserable and waiting for something that might not happen."
I said, "So, what? If Nugget makes it and I wasted the first trimester feeling miserable, oh well. I will have a baby. Who cares if I missed out on the joy of pregnancy if I end up with a baby?"
I'd give anything for Nugget to make it. To become a healthy baby in my arms. Boy or girl - ultimately I don't give a shit. C-section? Who cares? Cut me open. Get that baby out.
My birthday is coming up. I'm going to be 39. In fertility years that's like 104, especially if you're DOR like I am. Quirky says it doesn't matter when you're using donor gametes but you know. I'd like to not be on Social Security when this kid enters high school. And god forbid we decide to go for a sibling. I'll be like the only kindergarten mom with an AARP membership.
One last thing: I think my theory on the weight gain was spot-on. Only one day of eating mostly (and not entirely) healthy and I've already dropped almost three pounds. So that's a minor relief.
Got to get ready for Ultrasound #4. Expecting the worst but hoping for the best. (Dear god, please - PLEASE - surprise me.)
Monday, December 29, 2014
technically pregnant.
The go go go of Christmas didn't wind down until about 8 p.m. last night, when Mr. Hope and I settled in with some leftovers and exhaled. Deeply. On the one hand, the busyness was good - distracting. On the other, it was a rough weekend with Mini-Hope, who's turning into a moody teenager even while she clutches her new doll and schemes on getting more candy out of us.
Then Mr. Hope went off to do some chores and left me resting on the couch. I started watching What to Expect When You're Expecting, a terrible ensemble movie starring typically awesome actors. Why I would choose to watch this when I'm currently expecting my own pregnancy to fail is beyond me. But I did, and it was every bit as painful as you can imagine.
Mr. Hope joined me for the last 45 minutes or so, and by the end, the two of us were crying on and off. It feels so ridiculously unfair, what we're going through. Not so much that we will likely lose the baby - lots of good people lose babies, so why should we be spared? - but that we know it's probably coming, and have for weeks. It destroys any joy we might (should?) have over this pregnancy. And it makes it so this pregnancy doesn't feel quite real. Like I am technically pregnant, but not really.
Last night the BFF and I were texting and she said something along the lines of how she couldn't help thinking that if I wasn't seeing an RE, I wouldn't know the size of the baby or my hCG level right now. I'd have my positive pee sticks and likely one blood test and that was it - I'd be waiting for my first ultrasound at 8 or 10 weeks. And that even if I went in to hear the heartbeat at 8 or 10 weeks and didn't, I'd at least have had several weeks of pure pregnancy bliss before the Bad Thing happened.
Meanwhile, the nausea has been coming and going since Christmas morning. Some days are worse than others. My boobs burn and are sometimes so tender that I cry out when Mr. Hope tries to hug me. Harold has been behaving, thank god, but this makes me think my progesterone levels are in the toilet. The three spots of psoriasis on my left hand, all of which pretty much disappeared during this pregnancy, are back with a vengeance. Is it because the pregnancy is starting to fail? Or is it because I stopped caring what I ate last week, when my hCG level barely increased after five days?
My weight. MY WEIGHT. There were points of this pregnancy during which I was losing weight. Not a ton - just 4/10 of a lb. here, 2/10 of a lb. there - but since last Monday, when I slammed my face into a bowl of lobster ravioli, I've packed on 11 lbs. I know for a fact that it can't all be real weight - that's not physically possible - so I'm guessing that a good portion of it is water being retained from me going carb crazy. Even so, it's so disturbing to see that increase, especially after I just worked so hard to LOSE 20 lbs.
(Now that I type this out, I'm realizing that this could also be evidence that my progesterone levels are failing - if my E2 is high and my P4 is low, I'd be prone to this kind of gain. Regardless, time to climb back up on that EZ Diet horse and return to healthy eating.)
I'm off from work this week, and I have so much to do it's scary. I'm behind on a freelance project that's due mid-February, and I need to use this week to gain some ground on it. My home office is a complete nightmare of a mess, since it served as Holiday Central. Our laundry situation is out of control. Etc.
But all I really want to do is curl up on the couch and veg out in front of the television. Shut my brain off and go a little numb inside my own skin.
Sometimes being a grown up sucks.
This is definitely one of those times.
Saturday, November 29, 2014
and so it begins...
The dreaded 2ww. Which, to be fair, isn't even a full two weeks. More like 11 days, with my first hormone-level check just five days after transfer.
And yet.
I feel it's going to be a long eleven days.
Last night, I felt a few uterine twinges and some low back soreness, like I get around ovulation and AF. My guess is that it was a little cramping from the procedure itself and/or progesterone, since I did a shot last night. We were at a family dinner and didn't get home until after midnight, but I couldn't sleep right away. I didn't tuck in until after 1:30 a.m. and then was up at 6:40 to pee. I haven't been able to fall asleep since.
As I type this, I'm feeling slightly nauseated. Is it psychosomatic or am I just hungry? Thirsty? I pounded water and other beverages all day yesterday, but I do tend to be drier in the winter, when the heat is constantly going. We keep the house at 65 degrees but it's been so cold I barely hear the heater turn off.
To get my mind off of imaginary "symptoms" and concerns over my inability to stay asleep (it has to be excitement/anxiety, right?), I figured I'd give an EZ Diet update.
Here's a quick timeline:
10/6: Start working out with the 21 Day Fix DVDs again.
10/13: Start the EZ Diet; record starting weight.
11/2; Start estrogen priming.
11/10: Start stims.
11/14: Last 21 Day Fix workout.
11/20: Stop stims.
11/21: Trigger w/ Ovidrel.
11/23: Retrival day.
11/24: Start PIO injections, every other evening.
11/25: Start progesterone pessaries.
11/28: Transfer day; start Lovenox and prednisone.
11/29: Starting estrogen.
Between 10/13 and 11/14, I lost 9.8 lbs. total. Between 11/14 and 11/23, I lost an additional 1.8 lbs., bringing the grand total to 11.6 lbs. Between 11/23 and this morning, I've lost a whopping 7 lbs.
Grand total lost: 18.8 lbs. in just under 7 weeks.
I have some theories about this. For one thing, the first time I did the 21 Day Fix DVDs, I started building muscle almost immediately. Building muscle, especially in the beginning, makes you retain water. You start losing muscle mass about a week after you stop the resistance/weight training, as well as the water you retained when you were building muscle to begin with. So, it's entirely possible that some of that 7 lbs. is water weight.
For another, I historically gain weight in the four to six days prior to ovulation. I don't know if it's the rise in estrogen or something else wacky but I've followed this pattern ever since I started charting my cycles. Then, about a day or two post-ovulation, I drop weight like crazy. A few years back, when I was doing Weight Watchers with the BFF, I would get so discouraged because each week I'd lose like 1 lb. or .8 lbs. or 1.4 lbs. Then, the weigh-in after ovulation, I'd drop like 3.5 to 5 lbs.
After my first IUI, Dr. God Complex had me taking progesterone pessaries, 400 MG once a day and then later twice a day. I lost like 10 lbs. that cycle, no joke. Every time I'm given progesterone after a cycle, I drop a LOT of weight in a very short amount of time. I don't know if this is water weight or actual weight or what, but I don't tend to put it back on right away. This was not the case with my back-to-back IVFs, for which I took estrogen supplements right after transfer.
I start the estrace again today.
So, I'm going to enjoy this 18.8 lbs. today and know that tomorrow, some weight may start creeping back on. Or, it may not. I'm eating so much healthier than I did with most of my cycles. Even with the holidays!
For Thanksgiving, when I didn't have any eggs/embies on board, I cheated a little: two bites of stuffing, two bites of scalloped potatoes, a couple of tablespoons of homemade applesauce, a small drizzle of gravy, two spoonfuls of rice pudding, two bites of apple pie, two bites of pumpkin. Mostly I tried to fill up on turkey, green beans, and corn, and ate a lot of turkey before I indulged at all to try to reduce any spikes in insulin.
Last night, at my second Thanksgiving, when I did have two embies on board, I cheated even less: a smaller drizzle of gravy over my turkey, a spoonful of wild rice (which, technically, is on the So-So List and not even a true cheat), one small bite of a cake-like thing my aunt made and one small bite of pumpkin pie.
I'm determined to stay as strict as possible until beta. If it's positive, then I'll stay as strict as possible until the end of the first trimester at least.
Here's the thing: the EZ Diet actually does allow me to eat more outside of the Good list than I typically do. I'm not on the restrictive phase any more, and haven't been for three weeks. This means that, according to the diet, I can have items on the Bad List 2-3 times a week, items on the So-So List 3-4 times a week, and a Cheat Day once a week. I could never determine if it's meant to be a whole day of cheating or just one meal, but I haven't been indulging regardless because, hi, trying to create a tiny human here.
Right now my larger concern is inflammation, and trying to control it. This is why I've been eating half of an avocado at breakfast almost every morning. I'm lucky in that I am not insulin resistant - my fasting blood sugars are perfect and not even close to prediabetic range - but I have this huge fear of inflammation and it wrecking implantation. Is it an irrational fear? I don't know. But I do know I'm pretty happy with how this cycle has turned out so far.
Tonight, Mr. Hope and I are having dinner with Kindred and her husband, and I'm so excited. I don't remember if I posted this here but Kindred is PREGNANT with one healthy singleton from her 10/30 transfer. We've both confessed having dorky fantasies about being pregnant together. I'm hoping - WISHING, PRAYING, HOPING - that this particular dorky fantasy becomes my uber-dorky reality!
And yet.
I feel it's going to be a long eleven days.
Last night, I felt a few uterine twinges and some low back soreness, like I get around ovulation and AF. My guess is that it was a little cramping from the procedure itself and/or progesterone, since I did a shot last night. We were at a family dinner and didn't get home until after midnight, but I couldn't sleep right away. I didn't tuck in until after 1:30 a.m. and then was up at 6:40 to pee. I haven't been able to fall asleep since.
As I type this, I'm feeling slightly nauseated. Is it psychosomatic or am I just hungry? Thirsty? I pounded water and other beverages all day yesterday, but I do tend to be drier in the winter, when the heat is constantly going. We keep the house at 65 degrees but it's been so cold I barely hear the heater turn off.
To get my mind off of imaginary "symptoms" and concerns over my inability to stay asleep (it has to be excitement/anxiety, right?), I figured I'd give an EZ Diet update.
Here's a quick timeline:
10/6: Start working out with the 21 Day Fix DVDs again.
10/13: Start the EZ Diet; record starting weight.
11/2; Start estrogen priming.
11/10: Start stims.
11/14: Last 21 Day Fix workout.
11/20: Stop stims.
11/21: Trigger w/ Ovidrel.
11/23: Retrival day.
11/24: Start PIO injections, every other evening.
11/25: Start progesterone pessaries.
11/28: Transfer day; start Lovenox and prednisone.
11/29: Starting estrogen.
Between 10/13 and 11/14, I lost 9.8 lbs. total. Between 11/14 and 11/23, I lost an additional 1.8 lbs., bringing the grand total to 11.6 lbs. Between 11/23 and this morning, I've lost a whopping 7 lbs.
Grand total lost: 18.8 lbs. in just under 7 weeks.
I have some theories about this. For one thing, the first time I did the 21 Day Fix DVDs, I started building muscle almost immediately. Building muscle, especially in the beginning, makes you retain water. You start losing muscle mass about a week after you stop the resistance/weight training, as well as the water you retained when you were building muscle to begin with. So, it's entirely possible that some of that 7 lbs. is water weight.
For another, I historically gain weight in the four to six days prior to ovulation. I don't know if it's the rise in estrogen or something else wacky but I've followed this pattern ever since I started charting my cycles. Then, about a day or two post-ovulation, I drop weight like crazy. A few years back, when I was doing Weight Watchers with the BFF, I would get so discouraged because each week I'd lose like 1 lb. or .8 lbs. or 1.4 lbs. Then, the weigh-in after ovulation, I'd drop like 3.5 to 5 lbs.
After my first IUI, Dr. God Complex had me taking progesterone pessaries, 400 MG once a day and then later twice a day. I lost like 10 lbs. that cycle, no joke. Every time I'm given progesterone after a cycle, I drop a LOT of weight in a very short amount of time. I don't know if this is water weight or actual weight or what, but I don't tend to put it back on right away. This was not the case with my back-to-back IVFs, for which I took estrogen supplements right after transfer.
I start the estrace again today.
So, I'm going to enjoy this 18.8 lbs. today and know that tomorrow, some weight may start creeping back on. Or, it may not. I'm eating so much healthier than I did with most of my cycles. Even with the holidays!
For Thanksgiving, when I didn't have any eggs/embies on board, I cheated a little: two bites of stuffing, two bites of scalloped potatoes, a couple of tablespoons of homemade applesauce, a small drizzle of gravy, two spoonfuls of rice pudding, two bites of apple pie, two bites of pumpkin. Mostly I tried to fill up on turkey, green beans, and corn, and ate a lot of turkey before I indulged at all to try to reduce any spikes in insulin.
Last night, at my second Thanksgiving, when I did have two embies on board, I cheated even less: a smaller drizzle of gravy over my turkey, a spoonful of wild rice (which, technically, is on the So-So List and not even a true cheat), one small bite of a cake-like thing my aunt made and one small bite of pumpkin pie.
I'm determined to stay as strict as possible until beta. If it's positive, then I'll stay as strict as possible until the end of the first trimester at least.
Here's the thing: the EZ Diet actually does allow me to eat more outside of the Good list than I typically do. I'm not on the restrictive phase any more, and haven't been for three weeks. This means that, according to the diet, I can have items on the Bad List 2-3 times a week, items on the So-So List 3-4 times a week, and a Cheat Day once a week. I could never determine if it's meant to be a whole day of cheating or just one meal, but I haven't been indulging regardless because, hi, trying to create a tiny human here.
Right now my larger concern is inflammation, and trying to control it. This is why I've been eating half of an avocado at breakfast almost every morning. I'm lucky in that I am not insulin resistant - my fasting blood sugars are perfect and not even close to prediabetic range - but I have this huge fear of inflammation and it wrecking implantation. Is it an irrational fear? I don't know. But I do know I'm pretty happy with how this cycle has turned out so far.
Tonight, Mr. Hope and I are having dinner with Kindred and her husband, and I'm so excited. I don't remember if I posted this here but Kindred is PREGNANT with one healthy singleton from her 10/30 transfer. We've both confessed having dorky fantasies about being pregnant together. I'm hoping - WISHING, PRAYING, HOPING - that this particular dorky fantasy becomes my uber-dorky reality!
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
med o'clock (and other fun times).
Yesterday, when it was time to do my first round of stim injections, I had a moment of complete and utter panic.
First of all, I was a little disorganized. The gimongous carton of fertility meds arrived on Saturday, when Mini-Hope, Mr. Hope's daughter from a previous relationship, was visiting for the weekend. We shoved the box into the bonus room, pausing only to remove the items that needed to be refrigerated.
Before I went in for my baseline appointment, I quickly combed through the contents of the carton, to make sure I had all of the meds I'd need. I realized I was short a vial of progesterone in oil (PIO), but otherwise, everything was there. Then I pawed through a plastic bin of leftover meds and various other supplies from our last IVF attempt in March, to see what was still usable. The only thing that had expired was a box of Crinone, which I'd purchased thrice over and used exactly zero times.
When I got the go-ahead to shoot up, I went into the bonus room to pull together what I needed for the "active" bin. I find the gimongous carton a little overwhelming, so what I do is put a manageable amount of the things I needed in a small bin that resides on my dining room table (can you tell we don't get a lot of company?). Suddenly, my mind went blank. Which needle was I supposed to use for the Menopur? Which one was for the Microdose Lupron? WHY COULDN'T I REMEMBER ANY OF THIS SHIT?
I tried to read the Menopur package insert but I was shaking a little and the tiny printed words weren't making any sense. So I Googled it, found the correct needle size, and grabbed a bag of them for the active bin. At some point, I remembered that the MDL used an insulin needle. I grabbed a couple of cartons of Menopur, some alcohol wipes, a box of Band Aids, and a Sharps container and headed back to the dining room.
My hands shook the entire time I prepared the Menopur. I'm on four vials in the AM and four in the PM. Here's a little background for those of you who've never prepped Menopur: You start by drawing up 1 cc of sterile water, then inject it into a vial of dry powder. You gently swirl until the powder's been dissolved. Then you suck up all of the serum and inject it into the next vial of dry powder. This is where those Q-Caps come in handy. I'm a disaster when it comes to sucking up meds with a super-long needle; the Q-Caps save my ass every single time.
Except, for about three minutes yesterday, I forgot how to use the fucking Q-Cap. And ended up having to read the tiny-print package insert anyway.
But before you can even begin to mix the Menopur, you have to run an alcohol wipe over the tops of all of the vials. And you should really take the MDL out of the fridge about 10-15 minutes before you inject it, because when it's too cold it burns and leaves small, pea-sized bruises on your stomach.
I almost forgot that part.
It took me nearly 25 minutes to remember what I was supposed to do and how I was supposed to do it. But I got there. Eventually.
The whole process moved much more quickly for the PM dosing. And even more quickly this morning. By tonight - Dose #4 - I was back to being an old pro. I got all of it done, top to bottom, in about 14 minutes flat.
Not bad, Agony. Not bad at all.
In other news:
As of this morning, I'm down 10.2 lbs. and can do 40 modified push-ups. And today, I left my lunch bag of snacks at the office when I headed to a half-day offsite meeting. The snacks provided at the conference center included fancy cupcakes, granola bars, and bags of Cheese-Its. I didn't eat a single one of anything, despite the fact that about four hours after I'd eaten my lunch, my stomach started rumbling audibly. I gulped water and pretended like I wasn't ready to gnaw on my own hand.
All in all, I'm pretty proud of myself these days.
Tomorrow, it's back to the offsite location for a full-day meeting. One that starts at 8:15 a.m., which is about 45 minutes before I usually report to work.
Did I mention it's going to be a long week?
First of all, I was a little disorganized. The gimongous carton of fertility meds arrived on Saturday, when Mini-Hope, Mr. Hope's daughter from a previous relationship, was visiting for the weekend. We shoved the box into the bonus room, pausing only to remove the items that needed to be refrigerated.
Before I went in for my baseline appointment, I quickly combed through the contents of the carton, to make sure I had all of the meds I'd need. I realized I was short a vial of progesterone in oil (PIO), but otherwise, everything was there. Then I pawed through a plastic bin of leftover meds and various other supplies from our last IVF attempt in March, to see what was still usable. The only thing that had expired was a box of Crinone, which I'd purchased thrice over and used exactly zero times.
When I got the go-ahead to shoot up, I went into the bonus room to pull together what I needed for the "active" bin. I find the gimongous carton a little overwhelming, so what I do is put a manageable amount of the things I needed in a small bin that resides on my dining room table (can you tell we don't get a lot of company?). Suddenly, my mind went blank. Which needle was I supposed to use for the Menopur? Which one was for the Microdose Lupron? WHY COULDN'T I REMEMBER ANY OF THIS SHIT?
I tried to read the Menopur package insert but I was shaking a little and the tiny printed words weren't making any sense. So I Googled it, found the correct needle size, and grabbed a bag of them for the active bin. At some point, I remembered that the MDL used an insulin needle. I grabbed a couple of cartons of Menopur, some alcohol wipes, a box of Band Aids, and a Sharps container and headed back to the dining room.
My hands shook the entire time I prepared the Menopur. I'm on four vials in the AM and four in the PM. Here's a little background for those of you who've never prepped Menopur: You start by drawing up 1 cc of sterile water, then inject it into a vial of dry powder. You gently swirl until the powder's been dissolved. Then you suck up all of the serum and inject it into the next vial of dry powder. This is where those Q-Caps come in handy. I'm a disaster when it comes to sucking up meds with a super-long needle; the Q-Caps save my ass every single time.
Except, for about three minutes yesterday, I forgot how to use the fucking Q-Cap. And ended up having to read the tiny-print package insert anyway.
But before you can even begin to mix the Menopur, you have to run an alcohol wipe over the tops of all of the vials. And you should really take the MDL out of the fridge about 10-15 minutes before you inject it, because when it's too cold it burns and leaves small, pea-sized bruises on your stomach.
I almost forgot that part.
It took me nearly 25 minutes to remember what I was supposed to do and how I was supposed to do it. But I got there. Eventually.
The whole process moved much more quickly for the PM dosing. And even more quickly this morning. By tonight - Dose #4 - I was back to being an old pro. I got all of it done, top to bottom, in about 14 minutes flat.
Not bad, Agony. Not bad at all.
In other news:
As of this morning, I'm down 10.2 lbs. and can do 40 modified push-ups. And today, I left my lunch bag of snacks at the office when I headed to a half-day offsite meeting. The snacks provided at the conference center included fancy cupcakes, granola bars, and bags of Cheese-Its. I didn't eat a single one of anything, despite the fact that about four hours after I'd eaten my lunch, my stomach started rumbling audibly. I gulped water and pretended like I wasn't ready to gnaw on my own hand.
All in all, I'm pretty proud of myself these days.
Tomorrow, it's back to the offsite location for a full-day meeting. One that starts at 8:15 a.m., which is about 45 minutes before I usually report to work.
Did I mention it's going to be a long week?
Sunday, November 9, 2014
perfect timing.
I'm spotting, which means I should hit full flow before day's end. Which means that I will be moving from the priming cycle into the IVF/FET cycle which means YAY.
I'd been so worried about the timing, because I have a hectic week at work coming up (including a 2-day off-site meeting, one day of which I absolutely cannot miss). But assuming I do indeed hit full flow in the next 8-10 hours, then I'll go in for baseline tomorrow (I have a 12:30 meeting on my calendar but that's it) and, if I opt for the endo scratch, I'd go in for that Tuesday morning-ish.
I say "if" because I'm leaning against it, now, based on the timing. I don't typically stim for more than 10-12 days, and both IVFs have led to Day 2 transfers. Since my donor embryos are 2PN, Dr. Smiles might opt to transfer them as Day 3s OR wait until the develop into blasts. Either way, I can't guarantee that I'd get a full two weeks post-scratch, in which case I could actually be hurting the embryos' chances.
I really wish I could've spoken to Dr. Smiles when I first asked about the scratch, but I'm certainly not going to hold this cycle up over it. I'll just tuck it in my back pocket for any additional cycles I may desire/require.
Diet-wise, I'm still sticking to plan. Technically I can start adding in Bad List items a couple of times a week, but I don't think I will. Even on the restrictive phase, I'm still not dropping weight like crazy. Although I know I'll be shedding the pre-period bloat in the next couple of days, so maybe I just need to be more patient. I'm down a total of 9 lbs., which is about three shy of where I wanted to be after four weeks, but I'll take it.
I'd been so worried about the timing, because I have a hectic week at work coming up (including a 2-day off-site meeting, one day of which I absolutely cannot miss). But assuming I do indeed hit full flow in the next 8-10 hours, then I'll go in for baseline tomorrow (I have a 12:30 meeting on my calendar but that's it) and, if I opt for the endo scratch, I'd go in for that Tuesday morning-ish.
I say "if" because I'm leaning against it, now, based on the timing. I don't typically stim for more than 10-12 days, and both IVFs have led to Day 2 transfers. Since my donor embryos are 2PN, Dr. Smiles might opt to transfer them as Day 3s OR wait until the develop into blasts. Either way, I can't guarantee that I'd get a full two weeks post-scratch, in which case I could actually be hurting the embryos' chances.
I really wish I could've spoken to Dr. Smiles when I first asked about the scratch, but I'm certainly not going to hold this cycle up over it. I'll just tuck it in my back pocket for any additional cycles I may desire/require.
Diet-wise, I'm still sticking to plan. Technically I can start adding in Bad List items a couple of times a week, but I don't think I will. Even on the restrictive phase, I'm still not dropping weight like crazy. Although I know I'll be shedding the pre-period bloat in the next couple of days, so maybe I just need to be more patient. I'm down a total of 9 lbs., which is about three shy of where I wanted to be after four weeks, but I'll take it.
Saturday, November 1, 2014
priming cycle, advance!
Mr. Hope and I headed up to Posh Clinic yesterday, him for a sperm analysis and me for blood work and another transvag scan. Lining was 8.6, and there were three waning follicles all tracking around the same size (8, 7, 7). And yes, there was evidence of ovulation, confirmed by blood work.
Due to the timing of Mr. Hope's sperm analysis, and his need to abstain for a certain number of days prior, plus the approximate timing of my ovulation, there's about a 0.0% chance of us having some kind of miracle natural conception. Meaning: no pressure, no symptom-spotting, no magical "what if" scenarios playing in my head. So this is good.
Also good: I've started to drop my pre-O water weight. It's so gratifying to see the scale start to go down, especially after how hard I've been working.
Of course, now that ovulation has been confirmed, I start my estrogen supps tomorrow, to help prime for the fresh IVF. Twice a day until I get my period. Me on estrogen = near-instantaneous weight gain. So I think I better enjoy my small-but-significant weight loss today, because that's likely to stop.
I need to keep reminding myself that although weight loss would be nice, really I'm doing all of this in hopes of a successful cycle/implantation. I'm 38 years old and I have never seen a real positive pregnancy test, just a few faint positives that were the result of the trigger shot not leaving my system as quickly as I thought it would.
On a completely different note: allow me to pat myself on the back for a sec. Yesterday was Halloween and I didn't have a single piece of candy. Not even a single BITE of a single piece of candy, though Mr. Hope and his offspring kept offering them to me even after I reiterated that I was off the sugar.
Apparently, I have willpower of steel.
Thursday, October 30, 2014
progress report.
I'm almost at the end of Week 3 of the EZ Diet, and I have lost a sum total of (drum roll, please!) 6.2 pounds.
Yep. That's less than I'd lost by the start of Day 7. I've actually gone up.
Well, that's not entirely true. I've gone up a little, down a little, up a little, down a little. Staying almost entirely in the same two-pound range. For WEEKS.
It's maddening.
The worst part (for me) is that I have honestly been following the eating plan to a T. Usually, when I'm on a new plan, I'll still indulge in a little chocolate here, some potato chips there, the occasional soft pretzel (my Achilles heel).
I have done none of this.
I am still not losing weight at an Agony-acceptable pace.
(Fuel to the fire: Mr. Hope has lost something like 13 lbs. on the same plan. We hate Mr. Hope and his freakish ability to drop weight just by thinking he might start a diet.)
I am still working out nearly every day, though, and Mr. Hope is not. Could that have something to do with it? Yesterday I did 27 modified push ups. Not all in a row, mind you. I did 15 in Round 1 and 12 in Round 2, with about a minute thirty in between. This is still huge. When I started working out in earnest, almost a month ago, I could barely do three.
So there's that.
I know that muscle weighs more than fat, and that it could be that I'm burning fat and building muscle. More likely, I am starting to build muscle and that's making me retain water (as has happened in the past when I am strength training).
But but but
The Agony part of my brain is screaming IT'S BECAUSE YOUR HORMONES ARE FUCKED, YOU NITWIT. OH, AND YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T OVULATE, EITHER.
I think this because historically, post-O, I start dropping weight like crazy. My body loves progesterone. Seriously, LOVES it.
Right now, I feel like my body hates me. And it supersucks to be at odds with your own body, like, constantly.
So, I don't know. There's a lot going on in my brain right now that has nothing to do with my Pillsbury Doughboy bod, either. Work is insane. My schedule is insane. I am insane.
But I'll power through. I'll keep exercising, keep eating according to plan. Minimizing the insulin spikes to hopefully turn myself into a healthy, welcoming vessel for the embryos I hope to be transferring before Christmas.
Which reminds me: Today is Kindred's transfer date! I am so so so excited for her. We had dinner last night (a little pre-celebration) and she was glowing already. Thinking positive, sticky thoughts for her and hoping that today is the start of her rainbow baby!
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
impatience.
The scale has stopped moving.
I was down 7.2 lbs. Then, yesterday, I went up .4 lbs. Today, back down .2 lbs. Meanwhile, I have been following the EZ Diet perfectly - in fact, I haven't even had any trace sugar in the past three days. My meals are appropriately sized, I'm working out every day, and I'm drinking tons of water. Plus, I'm only on CD5, so it's way too early to be putting on ovulation bloat.
And yes, I know this is why they tell people NOT to look at the scale more than once a week when dieting/exercising. Because it's crazy-making. Clearly.
But but but
I'm working hard, and I want to see results. Like, REAL results.
Yesterday I felt like crap. I had a massive headache that wouldn't quit. I was tired, I was achy, I was unmotivated. I had an intake appointment with the infertility therapist, and her office turned out to be close to my house so I went home afterward to finish up my work day from there. But it was slow going.
Then, when I logged off for the night, there were literally a dozen things that I should have been doing. Only, I couldn't make myself do anything.
I turned into a vegetable.
Here's where I confess: Sunday, I quit caffeine. Cold turkey, because honestly, I had one Keurig pod a day. I didn't think that itty bitty amount would have affected me so much. On Sunday, I didn't even notice the caffeine was missing!
But yesterday? Oh dear god, YESTERDAY.
Today I'm still achy, but I think that has more to do with the workout I did on Monday. It was Plyo Fix, based on plyometrics (jumping), only I had to follow the chunky modifier lady on the DVD, who didn't jump so much as squat and raise up on her toes. I love Kat; she's in every 21 Day Fix DVD and I often have to follow her modifications. And even though I called her "chunky" she's really only chunky in relation to other size 0 women in the DVDs; I would actually kill to be Kat's size.
Even so, I got up this morning, and did my Upper Fix DVD, and now I will drag my weary, detoxing ass into the office for a full day of work. And then tonight, after work, I will be a saint-type person and go have hot, caffeine-free beverage with someone I barely know, because she just moved back to the area and is lonely and I'm too nice to say I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TIME FOR THE FRIENDS I HAVE, WHY WOULD I ACTIVELY MAKE NEW ONES? (Okay, so maybe I am NOT a saint-type person. Maybe I'm just a sucker with no boundaries.)
Tomorrow Mr. Hope and I go to the infertility therapist together, for our donor embryo counseling session. Once that's completed I will have all of my pre-reqs done for the cycle (Mr. Hope and I spent literally hours on Saturday running to different labs to get all of our blood work done). So, there's that.
Meanwhile...
Would it hurt the scale to go down just a little? I mean, really.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)