Monday, April 27, 2015

last-minute anxiety.

The night before my next ultrasound, I start to get really panicky about the baby. Like, I can be motoring along fine, and then WHAM! Instant fear. Why don't my boobs hurt as much as they did on Friday? Why haven't I had heartburn today? Where did the nausea go? Etc.

I hate this part of the process. I hate how one minute I can feel like a semi-normal pregnant woman and the next I'm playing out scenarios in my head, like how will I tell people that I've suffered a second miscarriage? Will they make me do it at home again, or can I ask the new OB for a D&C? And then I get mad at myself for being so morbid, which makes everything that much worse.

On the upside, I had a pretty good weekend. I finally finished Phase I of my freelance project (the relief of that was so intense I almost cried when I sent it off to the project manager, no joke) AND we had a great visit with Mini-Hope, too - only two threatened pouting sessions that she reeled back in rather quickly. So there's that.

I have to go into the office after this morning's appointment, so won't have time to update right away. But I promise I'll report back tonight so as not to worry anyone.


  1. I know just what you mean. I monitored my symptoms like crazy, too. We are so in tune with our bodies and the changes happening that we notice all the things that go unnoticed by "normal" pregnant ladies. That's my opinion, anyway. My anxiety would hit an all time high at my OB's office when she would put the Doppler on my belly. I'd either hold my breath or breathe so fast that I got light headed until I heard the heartbeat. Mind you, I rented a Doppler and would use it about every 3 or days and always the night before an appointment. The anxiety of the pregnancy does not end but it does get better when the baby starts moving regularly. Especially when you figure out the baby's pattern of movements. It gets easier but until you can see the baby with your own eyes you will likely still feel the anxiety. ((hugs)) and I look forward to your update tonight!

    1. Yes! Exactly! We pay attention to every little thing, way more than "normals" do. People keep telling me that when the baby starts moving it gets easier. But I think I have another six weeks to go on that!

  2. Yes yes and yes. I played out morbid scenarios too. In fact, I still do, but now they don't involve having to tell other people the bad news so much as having to deal with stuff (like the nursery that is chock full of gear), or with what can happen if certain complications arise. No peace for the wicked or fertility challenged I guess. Looking forward to your update too!