Wednesday, May 6, 2015

the odds are never in my favor.

Since I got the MaterniT21 Plus test drawn on Monday, it's only a matter of time until I get the results. I am hoping for a healthy baby. Period, end of discussion. But, because I've taken this test, in one to four more days I will find out if Mr. Hope and I are having a girl or a boy.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Mostly because I am semi-convinced we are having a boy. To be fair, this conviction stems from me always wanting a little girl and assuming that I will not get what I want in that department. The conviction deepened when I learned tonight that another friend found out today that she's having a girl. That makes TWO close, personal preggos having girls. What are the odds that I will be having one, too?

I've had one dream about the baby's sex, and in that dream it was a girl. The BFF has had several, and in all but one I am having a boy. Gumbo thinks it's a girl. Mr. Hope says he hopes that it's a girl, but I think he's thinking it's a boy, too.

And I feel so stupid even thinking about these things, because really, all I want is a healthy baby. This isn't just lip service. If I find out I'm having a perfectly healthy boy, I will still be ecstatic, BECAUSE MY BABY IS HEALTHY.

But I'd be lying if I wasn't Team Pink. I don't know that Mr. Hope and I will ever have another kid. This really might be it for us. And I dream of having a mother/daughter relationship like my own mother and I never had. I dream of so many things, and none of them include a little baby boy.

Lately I've been looking at boy stuff on Pinterest. Things like bibs with bow ties. Adorable little boy things. But then again, I never said that boys weren't adorable. They totally are. I've just never pictured myself playing Mommy to one.

Still, I'm steeling myself for finding out that there's a little dude cooking in my oven. Because nothing about this fertility journey has turned out the way that I hoped or expected. Not a single thing.

I kind of hate myself for even fretting over this - for feeling the tiniest bit jealous that another friend is having another little girl. But I totally AM fretting over it, and I totally AM jealous, and I am hating myself very, very much right now.

10 comments:

  1. I didn't pack girl clothes to bring to the hospital my first time around. Convinced...CONVINCED it was a boy. I Loved little boys. Had babysat two little boys for 8 years. I knew what to do with boys. I WANTED a a boy! Now, can you even *imagine* Anna not being Anna? No matter what we want or think, babies are effing awesome and we adjust. And I am so flipping excited I can barely stand it. Squeeee!

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    1. You're adorable. We have so much to talk about!

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  2. So...a couple years ago there were 6 people (2 co-workers, and 4 moms from my sons class) who were all pregnant at the same time. 4 of us were all due within weeks of each other, and the other 2 were a couple months behind us. I didn't know what I was having, but 4 of those people did know and they were all having boys. I thought, surely we can't all be having boys, so I was convinced on that point alone that I was having a girl. So convinced that I was shocked in the delivery room to find out I too, had a boy. All 6 of us ended up having boys. Funny to note, all 4 moms from my son's class were moms to boys in the same grade. Really weird. You just never know!

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    1. You know, a lot of people have talked to me about this cluster effect. On my FB group, it's been a spate of boys lately, so one woman is predicting that fall is going to bring a crop of girls. We'll see. I think because I'm expecting a boy, if it's a boy I'll be like, "See? Called it." Whereas if it's a girl I'll be more like, "OMG! I was so wrong!" Fine either way. :)

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  3. I thought I'd be having a boy for a lot of the same reasons (not just that boy names are hard)! Both the Moose and I really wanted a girl, so of course, it had to be a boy! So I totally understand those feelings, and feeling bad about those feelings.

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    1. A woman on my FB group predicted girl based on my 6-week ultrasound. She's only gotten two singleton predictions wrong out of easily more than a dozen. So we'll see. :)

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  4. So...I'm the opposite. As in, I always wanted a little boy. I'm not into female relationships (check my old posts to find out why) and I'm not a girly girl of sorts so pink and flowers are not my thing. I can relate to men and sports and jeans and t-shirts much better. I never saw myself having a little girl because I knew I didn't know what to do with one. LOL I knew from the beginning I was having a girl. For the exact same reasons you are thinking you are having a boy...the odds were just not in my favor. Low and behold when the u/s happened I was happy she was healthy but scared to death at the same time. Everything changed once I knew the sex. No, I don't have great recipes to pass down and I can't sew a stitch but I can't imagine it any other way. You will get all consumed with "boy" if it turns out that way and you might even surprise yourself at how excited you get. Oh, and I think most of my IF online friends have had girls. I think it has to do with the semen wash process. Female sperm have a history of being stronger and more dominant, that's one of the reasons why there's more females in this world over all. Sorry, I'll stop rambling now. :-) We all know what it's like to be IF and hope and pray for a healthy baby. But we also know that humans have dreams, too. And no one can blame you for wanting what you want and dreaming of that relationship. From experience, though...little boys love their mamas like nothing else. :-)

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    1. Mr. Hope and I talk about this a LOT. If we end up with a typical boy, we're kind of screwed. Neither of us are into sports or traditionally masculine things. But the BFF's son is into computers and video games and sci-fi, and he and Mr. Hope are buds. I think if we end up with a boy like him, we'll be fine. We know what to do with a pop culture gaming geek. We speak that language. And I'd teach any kid of ours - boy or girl - to cook, because that's important to me. So. You know.

      Funny you should say that about girls vs. boys. A lot of woman I know who've had success through IUI end up with boys. I think because the boy sperm is faster. But it would make sense that with IVF - especially ICSI - that you'd get a greater proportion of girls, since those do tend to be the hardier sperm.

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  5. Your feelings are normal. Don't hate yourself! I think everyone has ideas or preferences to some extent and they're magnified when you've got to go through so much to get to this point.

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    1. I think confessing helped a bit. You're not "supposed to" prefer one over the other, especially not after being blessed in this way. Right? But I started Googling and it turns out a LOT of women have preferences, and feel every bit as guilty about them. So I started to ease up on the self-loathing. :)

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