Since I got the MaterniT21 Plus test drawn on Monday, it's only a matter of time until I get the results. I am hoping for a healthy baby. Period, end of discussion. But, because I've taken this test, in one to four more days I will find out if Mr. Hope and I are having a girl or a boy.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Mostly because I am semi-convinced we are having a boy. To be fair, this conviction stems from me always wanting a little girl and assuming that I will not get what I want in that department. The conviction deepened when I learned tonight that another friend found out today that she's having a girl. That makes TWO close, personal preggos having girls. What are the odds that I will be having one, too?
I've had one dream about the baby's sex, and in that dream it was a girl. The BFF has had several, and in all but one I am having a boy. Gumbo thinks it's a girl. Mr. Hope says he hopes that it's a girl, but I think he's thinking it's a boy, too.
And I feel so stupid even thinking about these things, because really, all I want is a healthy baby. This isn't just lip service. If I find out I'm having a perfectly healthy boy, I will still be ecstatic, BECAUSE MY BABY IS HEALTHY.
But I'd be lying if I wasn't Team Pink. I don't know that Mr. Hope and I will ever have another kid. This really might be it for us. And I dream of having a mother/daughter relationship like my own mother and I never had. I dream of so many things, and none of them include a little baby boy.
Lately I've been looking at boy stuff on Pinterest. Things like bibs with bow ties. Adorable little boy things. But then again, I never said that boys weren't adorable. They totally are. I've just never pictured myself playing Mommy to one.
Still, I'm steeling myself for finding out that there's a little dude cooking in my oven. Because nothing about this fertility journey has turned out the way that I hoped or expected. Not a single thing.
I kind of hate myself for even fretting over this - for feeling the tiniest bit jealous that another friend is having another little girl. But I totally AM fretting over it, and I totally AM jealous, and I am hating myself very, very much right now.