Saturday, September 27, 2014

menses watch, day 3.

Yep, still bleeding inconclusively. Over the past three days I've used a sum total of three tampons, only one of which had any sort of significant absorption, and even that one was only half used. I typically burn through a super every 2 hours on Day 2 of my period, so this is saying something. Most of the time I'm still seeing watery pink/scarlet, and only when I wipe.

(Can I just apologize now to anyone who's actually reading this? I promise not to talk about my bodily fluids this much in the future. It's just that I am still reeling over getting my period a full week early, on what will be the shortest cycle I have ever had in my whole entire life, if it is in fact my period and not some mid-cycle bleeding due to rapidly approaching menopause.)

Something else is going on with me, and that is: after spending the past three-plus years mostly in the infertility closet, I've started to drop conversation bombs like no big whoop. Yesterday I met an old friend for coffee - the last time I saw her was something like ten months ago - and I was like, "Oh, and we've been battling infertility for years and are starting to move toward using donor embryos, so that's really where my head is at most of the time." And then proceeded to babble on about how I don't usually talk about our infertility because people tend to say the wrong thing or give me the "poor you" look that makes everything so much worse.

"They probably mean well," my friend said, and I instantly felt guilty for babbling in the first place, because I know she's right.

But also: I am part of the problem, because I have never once spoken up and told someone that what they said was completely inappropriate and hurtful.

Like: when the LabCorps tech said, "You can't have a baby? You can have some of my eggs!" and then spent the next 28 vials talking to me about her C-section scar.

Like: when one of my direct reports said, "It's a shame you aren't a mom; you'd buy your kid the best friends" after I made cupcakes to welcome her and two other new employees to the organization.

Like: when my boss, who knows I'm in treatment, said, "You'll see. Your life doesn't really begin until you have children."

(Is it any wonder I want to stay hidden in the infertility closet?)

Tuesday can't come soon enough.

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