technically pregnant.

The go go go of Christmas didn't wind down until about 8 p.m. last night, when Mr. Hope and I settled in with some leftovers and exhaled. Deeply. On the one hand, the busyness was good - distracting. On the other, it was a rough weekend with Mini-Hope, who's turning into a moody teenager even while she clutches her new doll and schemes on getting more candy out of us.

Then Mr. Hope went off to do some chores and left me resting on the couch. I started watching What to Expect When You're Expecting, a terrible ensemble movie starring typically awesome actors. Why I would choose to watch this when I'm currently expecting my own pregnancy to fail is beyond me. But I did, and it was every bit as painful as you can imagine.

Mr. Hope joined me for the last 45 minutes or so, and by the end, the two of us were crying on and off. It feels so ridiculously unfair, what we're going through. Not so much that we will likely lose the baby - lots of good people lose babies, so why should we be spared? - but that we know it's probably coming, and have for weeks. It destroys any joy we might (should?) have over this pregnancy. And it makes it so this pregnancy doesn't feel quite real. Like I am technically pregnant, but not really.

Last night the BFF and I were texting and she said something along the lines of how she couldn't help thinking that if I wasn't seeing an RE, I wouldn't know the size of the baby or my hCG level right now. I'd have my positive pee sticks and likely one blood test and that was it - I'd be waiting for my first ultrasound at 8 or 10 weeks. And that even if I went in to hear the heartbeat at 8 or 10 weeks and didn't, I'd at least have had several weeks of pure pregnancy bliss before the Bad Thing happened.

Meanwhile, the nausea has been coming and going since Christmas morning. Some days are worse than others. My boobs burn and are sometimes so tender that I cry out when Mr. Hope tries to hug me. Harold has been behaving, thank god, but this makes me think my progesterone levels are in the toilet. The three spots of psoriasis on my left hand, all of which pretty much disappeared during this pregnancy, are back with a vengeance. Is it because the pregnancy is starting to fail? Or is it because I stopped caring what I ate last week, when my hCG level barely increased after five days?

My weight. MY WEIGHT. There were points of this pregnancy during which I was losing weight. Not a ton - just 4/10 of a lb. here, 2/10 of a lb. there - but since last Monday, when I slammed my face into a bowl of lobster ravioli, I've packed on 11 lbs. I know for a fact that it can't all be real weight - that's not physically possible - so I'm guessing that a good portion of it is water being retained from me going carb crazy. Even so, it's so disturbing to see that increase, especially after I just worked so hard to LOSE 20 lbs. 

(Now that I type this out, I'm realizing that this could also be evidence that my progesterone levels are failing - if my E2 is high and my P4 is low, I'd be prone to this kind of gain. Regardless, time to climb back up on that EZ Diet horse and return to healthy eating.)

I'm off from work this week, and I have so much to do it's scary. I'm behind on a freelance project that's due mid-February, and I need to use this week to gain some ground on it. My home office is a complete nightmare of a mess, since it served as Holiday Central. Our laundry situation is out of control. Etc.

But all I really want to do is curl up on the couch and veg out in front of the television. Shut my brain off and go a little numb inside my own skin. 

Sometimes being a grown up sucks.

This is definitely one of those times.

things I did differently this cycle.

Today's FRER line is nice and dark, and I finally had the guts to take my Clearblue Digital. Even my Wondfo is clearly positive today, though still not nearly as dark as I feel it should be. Regardless, I'm guessing this is the last one of these I'll need to post unless things start getting crazy light.

You can see a weird break in the dye run on the 9DP5DT test, toward the bottom. But look how dark the top of the line is! P.S. It might be time to start tossing some of these, huh?

Yesterday, I found this chart, which gives an estimation on the likelihood of miscarrying based on the number of days pregnant you are. I printed it out and hung it on our fridge, and now Mr. Hope and I are crossing off days together. Since yesterday, our odds of miscarrying went down from 29.2% to 28%. Or, as I like to think of it, our odds of carrying this pregnancy to term increased from 70.8% to 72%.

I've been thinking a lot about what I did differently this time around. You know, besides the obvious "adding a donor blast from a 30-year-old mother into the mix" thing.

I didn't take DHEA. When I started seeing Dr. Smiles in October 2013, he had me start taking DHEA. I'd been on it almost four months for IVF #1. I discontinued it after IVF #2 and never went back on it.

I reduced my number of supplements. For IVFs #1 & #2, I'd been taking L-Arginine, alpha lipoic acid, and selenium in addition to the stuff I'm still taking now (most notably Ubiquinol and forms of B vitamins that work well with my MTHFR mutation).

I changed my diet. I'm now a BIG fan of the EZ Diet. And honestly, it wasn't THAT hard to give up flour, baked goods, sugar, potatoes, bananas, and yogurt. (I say that now, of course, before Christmas kicks into high gear.) I can't say for certain how much this changed things, but eating this way certainly feels healthier.

I ate a LOT of avocados. I'd read about a study funded by the NIH that showed that a diet high in monounsaturated fats and lower in saturated/trans fats was 3.4 times more likely to result in a child from IVF. I love me some avocados (before the EZ Diet, Mr. Hope and I used to have avocado toast for breakfast quite frequently), so I figured it wouldn't hurt to ramp up my consumption. Nearly every day of this entire cycle, I'd eat half an avocado with breakfast. The day of transfer, I ate half of an avocado before and another half after. Again, don't know how much this helped things, but it certainly wasn't a burden to eat yummy avocados daily.

I was on a (somewhat) different protocol. This was the first cycle that I primed with estrogen (I took it for 8 days prior to starting stims). I stimmed with four vials of Menopur in the morning and four at night, same as IVF #2. But Dr. Smiles changed up my progesterone; this time I do a PIO shot every other day and a pessary every night. I think I respond better to the pessaries, which I used during my three IUIs and some natural cycles as well. I also take estradiol twice a day; I may have only taken it once a day on previous cycles but can't remember.

I skipped the acupuncture. My previous two IVFs, and for a couple of IUIs, I tried acupuncture. I didn't find it all that relaxing and it never seemed to do anything to help my lady business. I have heard of other women who did it and weren't successful, then did a cycle without and were.

I asked to trigger with Ovidrel. I've always used generic hCG for a trigger, but I am really bad about sucking all of the meds up with the long needle. So, this time I asked to switch to Ovidrel. It's a preloaded syringe and a subcutaneous injection instead of a muscular one.

I insisted on transferring blasts. My previous two IVFs were with Day 2 transfers. In hindsight, I could see that my first embryo was kind of uggo (cells weren't exactly even, and there was already fragmentation on Day 2). My second embryo was better, but still so young. I really rolled the dice on this one by insisting on growing everything out to blast. And I did so fully expecting to have nothing of ours to transfer. The gamble paid off, big-time. I mean, our one little embryo made it to blast! Even if it didn't end up implanting, you can't ask for a better chance than that.

I didn't do bed rest. This is a big one. My clinic recommends 24 hours of bed rest after transfer. I did mostly bed rest after IVF #1 (we had tickets to a show that night, ones I'd purchased seven months prior, so I did a little bit of walking in the theater) and serious bed rest for IVF #2. I never felt like bed rest was the right thing to do but Mr. Hope insisted. This time, I told him, I wasn't doing bed rest. I'd take it easy, I said, but I needed to move around to make sure the blood was getting to my uterus. He reluctantly agreed. And I did take it easy, for the most part. There were a few rounds of Celebrity where I was doing charades that got me a little schvitzy, but hey - guess getting my heart rate up a little was ultimately a good thing.

Here are some of the other things that I didn't do that I had on previous cycles:

• Eat pineapple core
• Avoid raw foods (I've been chowing down on salads like a boss)
• Avoid cold beverages
• Yoga
• Mediation
• Fertility massage

I will probably never know what did or didn't make a difference, but I wanted to document these things here because it's the kind of stuff I loved reading on other people's blogs.

Anyway, there you have it. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm actually feeling tired enough to fall back asleep!

and so it begins...

The dreaded 2ww. Which, to be fair, isn't even a full two weeks. More like 11 days, with my first hormone-level check just five days after transfer.

And yet.

I feel it's going to be a long eleven days.

Last night, I felt a few uterine twinges and some low back soreness, like I get around ovulation and AF. My guess is that it was a little cramping from the procedure itself and/or progesterone, since I did a shot last night. We were at a family dinner and didn't get home until after midnight, but I couldn't sleep right away. I didn't tuck in until after 1:30 a.m. and then was up at 6:40 to pee. I haven't been able to fall asleep since.

As I type this, I'm feeling slightly nauseated. Is it psychosomatic or am I just hungry? Thirsty? I pounded water and other beverages all day yesterday, but I do tend to be drier in the winter, when the heat is constantly going. We keep the house at 65 degrees but it's been so cold I barely hear the heater turn off.

To get my mind off of imaginary "symptoms" and concerns over my inability to stay asleep (it has to be excitement/anxiety, right?), I figured I'd give an EZ Diet update.

Here's a quick timeline:

10/6: Start working out with the 21 Day Fix DVDs again.
10/13: Start the EZ Diet; record starting weight.
11/2; Start estrogen priming.
11/10: Start stims.
11/14: Last 21 Day Fix workout.
11/20: Stop stims.
11/21: Trigger w/ Ovidrel.
11/23: Retrival day.
11/24: Start PIO injections, every other evening.
11/25: Start progesterone pessaries.
11/28: Transfer day; start Lovenox and prednisone.
11/29: Starting estrogen.

Between 10/13 and 11/14, I lost 9.8 lbs. total. Between 11/14 and 11/23, I lost an additional 1.8 lbs., bringing the grand total to 11.6 lbs. Between 11/23 and this morning, I've lost a whopping 7 lbs.

Grand total lost: 18.8 lbs. in just under 7 weeks.

I have some theories about this. For one thing, the first time I did the 21 Day Fix DVDs, I started building muscle almost immediately. Building muscle, especially in the beginning, makes you retain water. You start losing muscle mass about a week after you stop the resistance/weight training, as well as the water you retained when you were building muscle to begin with. So, it's entirely possible that some of that 7 lbs. is water weight.

For another, I historically gain weight in the four to six days prior to ovulation. I don't know if it's the rise in estrogen or something else wacky but I've followed this pattern ever since I started charting my cycles. Then, about a day or two post-ovulation, I drop weight like crazy. A few years back, when I was doing Weight Watchers with the BFF, I would get so discouraged because each week I'd lose like 1 lb. or .8 lbs. or 1.4 lbs. Then, the weigh-in after ovulation, I'd drop like 3.5 to 5 lbs.

After my first IUI, Dr. God Complex had me taking progesterone pessaries, 400 MG once a day and then later twice a day. I lost like 10 lbs. that cycle, no joke. Every time I'm given progesterone after a cycle, I drop a LOT of weight in a very short amount of time. I don't know if this is water weight or actual weight or what, but I don't tend to put it back on right away. This was not the case with my back-to-back IVFs, for which I took estrogen supplements right after transfer.

I start the estrace again today.

So, I'm going to enjoy this 18.8 lbs. today and know that tomorrow, some weight may start creeping back on. Or, it may not. I'm eating so much healthier than I did with most of my cycles. Even with the holidays!

For Thanksgiving, when I didn't have any eggs/embies on board, I cheated a little: two bites of stuffing, two bites of scalloped potatoes, a couple of tablespoons of homemade applesauce, a small drizzle of gravy, two spoonfuls of rice pudding, two bites of apple pie, two bites of pumpkin. Mostly I tried to fill up on turkey, green beans, and corn, and ate a lot of turkey before I indulged at all to try to reduce any spikes in insulin.

Last night, at my second Thanksgiving, when I did have two embies on board, I cheated even less: a smaller drizzle of gravy over my turkey, a spoonful of wild rice (which, technically, is on the So-So List and not even a true cheat), one small bite of a cake-like thing my aunt made and one small bite of pumpkin pie.

I'm determined to stay as strict as possible until beta. If it's positive, then I'll stay as strict as possible until the end of the first trimester at least.

Here's the thing: the EZ Diet actually does allow me to eat more outside of the Good list than I typically do. I'm not on the restrictive phase any more, and haven't been for three weeks. This means that, according to the diet, I can have items on the Bad List 2-3 times a week, items on the So-So List 3-4 times a week, and a Cheat Day once a week. I could never determine if it's meant to be a whole day of cheating or just one meal, but I haven't been indulging regardless because, hi, trying to create a tiny human here.

Right now my larger concern is inflammation, and trying to control it. This is why I've been eating half of an avocado at breakfast almost every morning. I'm lucky in that I am not insulin resistant - my fasting blood sugars are perfect and not even close to prediabetic range - but I have this huge fear of inflammation and it wrecking implantation. Is it an irrational fear? I don't know. But I do know I'm pretty happy with how this cycle has turned out so far.

Tonight, Mr. Hope and I are having dinner with Kindred and her husband, and I'm so excited. I don't remember if I posted this here but Kindred is PREGNANT with one healthy singleton from her 10/30 transfer. We've both confessed having dorky fantasies about being pregnant together. I'm hoping - WISHING, PRAYING, HOPING - that this particular dorky fantasy becomes my uber-dorky reality!

retrieval day.

It was just as I predicted.

One egg.

I'm still cool with that.

It's been this weirdly peaceful and healing day. I got up before the alarm and started going into retrieval mode. I switched my meds bin over to the things I'll need when I start PIO (the day after retrieval) and Lovenox (either the day of or after transfer). I boxed up all of the needles I will never use again because I am done - seriously done - with stim cycles. I boxed up the Menopur for J, and before I left, I packed my one remaining box of Follistim (from my Feb/Mar 2014 cycles) in a cooler bag with ice packs.

I cleaned house, is what I'm saying.

In my purse I tossed the Medrol pack and my last two doxycycline pills, since I know they tell you to take these as soon as you go home. I also tossed my morning (non-fertility) meds, supplements, and prenatal vitamin, since I'd take those afterward, too.

I wrote out a thank you note to the IVF monitoring team, since they've been so wonderfully supportive over this past year.

All this before Mr. Hope even rolled out of bed.

I took a shower. While Mr. Hope took his turn in the shower, I slipped on my wide-leg cotton pants (kind of like yoga pants but even more flowy), a t-shirt, and my college sweatshirt. I grabbed my book. I added some snacks to the cooler bag for Mr. Hope, since his part of this would end much more quickly than my own.

We headed out.

When we got to Posh Clinic, J and her husband were waiting for us. She rushed out of the car and told me that she was sick so she didn't want to hug me. She handed me a card, though, and her husband DID hug me. They thanked us again for saving them thousands of dollars. J got teary. I got teary. Even Mr. Hope got teary. It was this lovely moment.

We promised to keep each other posted on our cycles.

Inside, we opened the card to find a lovely note...and a $100 gift card. I texted J that she didn't have to do that. She said she did and wished me luck.

There was a bit of a wait before they took me back to get changed into my clinic-issued gown and gear. Then it was full steam ahead.

I got to meet Dr. Colleague for a few minutes. She was nice. I got to chat with the anesthesiologist, too. Also nice. I got to talk to the embryologist for a minute. I told her we were really hoping for a girl, and she said she'd think Team Pink. Super nice.

All women. All awesome.

The prep nurse tried to run an IV in my right hand. It felt like she took a hammer to it. I usually have a decent tolerance for pain but it was bad. I said, "Well, you're going to knock me out in a few minutes. I guess I can deal." She said no, that it was better if she moved it.

She tried Big Poppa, the vein in my left arm that I always get blood draws from because it's the Best Vein Ever. Seriously, nurses and blood techs comment on it all of the time. The sound like hungry vampires when they do.

When the prep nurse couldn't run the IV correctly in Big Poppa, I had a feeling that the pain in my hand had more to do with her abilities than that vein itself. The anesthesiologist came over and ran the line in the much smaller vein in my right arm, the one nurses and blood techs always complain about. She was in like two seconds with zero pain.

We love the anesthesiologist.

In the procedure room, they arranged my legs in the holster things and knocked me out. When I started to wake, they told me they got the one egg. I snoozed for a few minutes more before letting myself get more conscious. Then it was water and crackers time. I let myself have two sips of ginger ale, a pack of saltines (two crackers) and two packs of graham crackers. These were big "cheats" for me, but I checked the carb count and it wasn't too disastrous.

And that was it. Afterward, Mr. Hope and I went to get breakfast at a little bistro known for its crepes. I ordered one, even though I knew there was a little flour in the batter. It was a savory crepe, though - smoked salmon and ricotta cheese and poached eggs with red onion and capers and a yummy sauce. All EZ Diet-approved, except for the crepe.

I know that technically the EZ Diet allows you to have things from the "Bad List" a couple of times a week, and from the "So-So List" a few more times than that, but I've tried not to indulge too much. I do let myself have grains with a couple of dinners - like some quinoa in a chicken chili, or a little bit of rice with Thai food. And I still am not sure if beans are on the "Good List" for this diet or the "So-So List," but we have those as ingredients in a couple of meals, too.

Whatever the case, I'm down 12+ lbs. And I feel good because I feel like I'm controlling potential inflammation by eating this way.

I guess we'll see soon enough!

med o'clock (and other fun times).

Yesterday, when it was time to do my first round of stim injections, I had a moment of complete and utter panic.

First of all, I was a little disorganized. The gimongous carton of fertility meds arrived on Saturday, when Mini-Hope, Mr. Hope's daughter from a previous relationship, was visiting for the weekend. We shoved the box into the bonus room, pausing only to remove the items that needed to be refrigerated.

Before I went in for my baseline appointment, I quickly combed through the contents of the carton, to make sure I had all of the meds I'd need. I realized I was short a vial of progesterone in oil (PIO), but otherwise, everything was there. Then I pawed through a plastic bin of leftover meds and various other supplies from our last IVF attempt in March, to see what was still usable. The only thing that had expired was a box of Crinone, which I'd purchased thrice over and used exactly zero times.

When I got the go-ahead to shoot up, I went into the bonus room to pull together what I needed for the "active" bin. I find the gimongous carton a little overwhelming, so what I do is put a manageable amount of the things I needed in a small bin that resides on my dining room table (can you tell we don't get a lot of company?). Suddenly, my mind went blank. Which needle was I supposed to use for the Menopur? Which one was for the Microdose Lupron? WHY COULDN'T I REMEMBER ANY OF THIS SHIT?

I tried to read the Menopur package insert but I was shaking a little and the tiny printed words weren't making any sense. So I Googled it, found the correct needle size, and grabbed a bag of them for the active bin. At some point, I remembered that the MDL used an insulin needle. I grabbed a couple of cartons of Menopur, some alcohol wipes, a box of Band Aids, and a Sharps container and headed back to the dining room.

My hands shook the entire time I prepared the Menopur. I'm on four vials in the AM and four in the PM. Here's a little background for those of you who've never prepped Menopur: You start by drawing up 1 cc of sterile water, then inject it into a vial of dry powder. You gently swirl until the powder's been dissolved. Then you suck up all of the serum and inject it into the next vial of dry powder. This is where those Q-Caps come in handy. I'm a disaster when it comes to sucking up meds with a super-long needle; the Q-Caps save my ass every single time.

Except, for about three minutes yesterday, I forgot how to use the fucking Q-Cap. And ended up having to read the tiny-print package insert anyway.

But before you can even begin to mix the Menopur, you have to run an alcohol wipe over the tops of all of the vials. And you should really take the MDL out of the fridge about 10-15 minutes before you inject it, because when it's too cold it burns and leaves small, pea-sized bruises on your stomach.

I almost forgot that part.

It took me nearly 25 minutes to remember what I was supposed to do and how I was supposed to do it. But I got there. Eventually.

The whole process moved much more quickly for the PM dosing. And even more quickly this morning. By tonight - Dose #4 - I was back to being an old pro. I got all of it done, top to bottom, in about 14 minutes flat.

Not bad, Agony. Not bad at all.

In other news:

As of this morning, I'm down 10.2 lbs. and can do 40 modified push-ups. And today, I left my lunch bag of snacks at the office when I headed to a half-day offsite meeting. The snacks provided at the conference center included fancy cupcakes, granola bars, and bags of Cheese-Its. I didn't eat a single one of anything, despite the fact that about four hours after I'd eaten my lunch, my stomach started rumbling audibly. I gulped water and pretended like I wasn't ready to gnaw on my own hand.

All in all, I'm pretty proud of myself these days.

Tomorrow, it's back to the offsite location for a full-day meeting. One that starts at 8:15 a.m., which is about 45 minutes before I usually report to work.

Did I mention it's going to be a long week?

perfect timing.

I'm spotting, which means I should hit full flow before day's end. Which means that I will be moving from the priming cycle into the IVF/FET cycle which means YAY.

I'd been so worried about the timing, because I have a hectic week at work coming up (including a 2-day off-site meeting, one day of which I absolutely cannot miss). But assuming I do indeed hit full flow in the next 8-10 hours, then I'll go in for baseline tomorrow (I have a 12:30 meeting on my calendar but that's it) and, if I opt for the endo scratch, I'd go in for that Tuesday morning-ish.

I say "if" because I'm leaning against it, now, based on the timing. I don't typically stim for more than 10-12 days, and both IVFs have led to Day 2 transfers. Since my donor embryos are 2PN, Dr. Smiles might opt to transfer them as Day 3s OR wait until the develop into blasts. Either way, I can't guarantee that I'd get a full two weeks post-scratch, in which case I could actually be hurting the embryos' chances.

I really wish I could've spoken to Dr. Smiles when I first asked about the scratch, but I'm certainly not going to hold this cycle up over it. I'll just tuck it in my back pocket for any additional cycles I may desire/require.

Diet-wise, I'm still sticking to plan. Technically I can start adding in Bad List items a couple of times a week, but I don't think I will. Even on the restrictive phase, I'm still not dropping weight like crazy. Although I know I'll be shedding the pre-period bloat in the next couple of days, so maybe I just need to be more patient. I'm down a total of 9 lbs., which is about three shy of where I wanted to be after four weeks, but I'll take it.

priming cycle, advance!

Mr. Hope and I headed up to Posh Clinic yesterday, him for a sperm analysis and me for blood work and another transvag scan. Lining was 8.6, and there were three waning follicles all tracking around the same size (8, 7, 7). And yes, there was evidence of ovulation, confirmed by blood work. 

Due to the timing of Mr. Hope's sperm analysis, and his need to abstain for a certain number of days prior, plus the approximate timing of my ovulation, there's about a 0.0% chance of us having some kind of miracle natural conception. Meaning: no pressure, no symptom-spotting, no magical "what if" scenarios playing in my head. So this is good.

Also good: I've started to drop my pre-O water weight. It's so gratifying to see the scale start to go down, especially after how hard I've been working. 

Of course, now that ovulation has been confirmed, I start my estrogen supps tomorrow, to help prime for the fresh IVF. Twice a day until I get my period. Me on estrogen = near-instantaneous weight gain. So I think I better enjoy my small-but-significant weight loss today, because that's likely to stop.

I need to keep reminding myself that although weight loss would be nice, really I'm doing all of this in hopes of a successful cycle/implantation. I'm 38 years old and I have never seen a real positive pregnancy test, just a few faint positives that were the result of the trigger shot not leaving my system as quickly as I thought it would. 

On a completely different note: allow me to pat myself on the back for a sec. Yesterday was Halloween and I didn't have a single piece of candy. Not even a single BITE of a single piece of candy, though Mr. Hope and his offspring kept offering them to me even after I reiterated that I was off the sugar.

Apparently, I have willpower of steel.

progress report.

I'm almost at the end of Week 3 of the EZ Diet, and I have lost a sum total of (drum roll, please!) 6.2 pounds.

Yep. That's less than I'd lost by the start of Day 7. I've actually gone up.

Well, that's not entirely true. I've gone up a little, down a little, up a little, down a little. Staying almost entirely in the same two-pound range. For WEEKS.

It's maddening.

The worst part (for me) is that I have honestly been following the eating plan to a T. Usually, when I'm on a new plan, I'll still indulge in a little chocolate here, some potato chips there, the occasional soft pretzel (my Achilles heel). 

I have done none of this.

I am still not losing weight at an Agony-acceptable pace.

(Fuel to the fire: Mr. Hope has lost something like 13 lbs. on the same plan. We hate Mr. Hope and his freakish ability to drop weight just by thinking he might start a diet.)

I am still working out nearly every day, though, and Mr. Hope is not. Could that have something to do with it? Yesterday I did 27 modified push ups. Not all in a row, mind you. I did 15 in Round 1 and 12 in Round 2, with about a minute thirty in between. This is still huge. When I started working out in earnest, almost a month ago, I could barely do three. 

So there's that.

I know that muscle weighs more than fat, and that it could be that I'm burning fat and building muscle. More likely, I am starting to build muscle and that's making me retain water (as has happened in the past when I am strength training).

But but but

The Agony part of my brain is screaming IT'S BECAUSE YOUR HORMONES ARE FUCKED, YOU NITWIT. OH, AND YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T OVULATE, EITHER. 

I think this because historically, post-O, I start dropping weight like crazy. My body loves progesterone. Seriously, LOVES it.

Right now, I feel like my body hates me. And it supersucks to be at odds with your own body, like, constantly.

So, I don't know. There's a lot going on in my brain right now that has nothing to do with my Pillsbury Doughboy bod, either. Work is insane. My schedule is insane. I am insane.

But I'll power through. I'll keep exercising, keep eating according to plan. Minimizing the insulin spikes to hopefully turn myself into a healthy, welcoming vessel for the embryos I hope to be transferring before Christmas.

Which reminds me: Today is Kindred's transfer date! I am so so so excited for her. We had dinner last night (a little pre-celebration) and she was glowing already. Thinking positive, sticky thoughts for her and hoping that today is the start of her rainbow baby!

impatience.

The scale has stopped moving.

I was down 7.2 lbs. Then, yesterday, I went up .4 lbs. Today, back down .2 lbs. Meanwhile, I have been following the EZ Diet perfectly - in fact, I haven't even had any trace sugar in the past three days. My meals are appropriately sized, I'm working out every day, and I'm drinking tons of water. Plus, I'm only on CD5, so it's way too early to be putting on ovulation bloat.

And yes, I know this is why they tell people NOT to look at the scale more than once a week when dieting/exercising. Because it's crazy-making. Clearly.

But but but

I'm working hard, and I want to see results. Like, REAL results. 

Yesterday I felt like crap. I had a massive headache that wouldn't quit. I was tired, I was achy, I was unmotivated. I had an intake appointment with the infertility therapist, and her office turned out to be close to my house so I went home afterward to finish up my work day from there. But it was slow going. 

Then, when I logged off for the night, there were literally a dozen things that I should have been doing. Only, I couldn't make myself do anything. 

I turned into a vegetable.

Here's where I confess: Sunday, I quit caffeine. Cold turkey, because honestly, I had one Keurig pod a day. I didn't think that itty bitty amount would have affected me so much. On Sunday, I didn't even notice the caffeine was missing! 

But yesterday? Oh dear god, YESTERDAY.

Today I'm still achy, but I think that has more to do with the workout I did on Monday. It was Plyo Fix, based on plyometrics (jumping), only I had to follow the chunky modifier lady on the DVD, who didn't jump so much as squat and raise up on her toes. I love Kat; she's in every 21 Day Fix DVD and I often have to follow her modifications. And even though I called her "chunky" she's really only chunky in relation to other size 0 women in the DVDs; I would actually kill to be Kat's size.

Even so, I got up this morning, and did my Upper Fix DVD, and now I will drag my weary, detoxing ass into the office for a full day of work. And then tonight, after work, I will be a saint-type person and go have hot, caffeine-free beverage with someone I barely know, because she just moved back to the area and is lonely and I'm too nice to say I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TIME FOR THE FRIENDS I HAVE, WHY WOULD I ACTIVELY MAKE NEW ONES? (Okay, so maybe I am NOT a saint-type person. Maybe I'm just a sucker with no boundaries.)

Tomorrow Mr. Hope and I go to the infertility therapist together, for our donor embryo counseling session. Once that's completed I will have all of my pre-reqs done for the cycle (Mr. Hope and I spent literally hours on Saturday running to different labs to get all of our blood work done). So, there's that.

Meanwhile...

Would it hurt the scale to go down just a little? I mean, really.

nesting.

I've always been a very deadline-driven person. Once Mr. Hope and I made the decision to go into this cycle, I knew there was a clock running on how long we had to get certain things in order. Like our house.

Our HOUSE.

We have a 3BR, 1BA (yes, ONE) rancher that I purchased prior to even meeting Mr. Hope. It was supposed to be my 3- to 5-year "starter" home, but I read this article years ago about a family who didn't buy up, they just put their money into upgrading the small home they already had. Theirs was paid off when friends who had bigger houses were drowning in debt. Mr. Hope and I were like YES, THIS IS WHAT WE WANT, TOO.

But guys, come ON. One bathroom? ONE? And it's a teeny-tiny one at that.

So now the tentative plan is to sell in (you guessed it!) three to five years. But first, we need to put some serious elbow grease into the place.

We've been purging crap for years. Literally, years. I come from a line of borderline hoarders. So does Mr. Hope. Together, our crap proliferated. Now, during our third year of purging (fourth year?) we are almost - ALMOST - there.

Last week I got an estimate on fixing the walls in two rooms of our house. The elevator version is that the original owners of this house put wallpaper on bare drywall, and subsequent owners painted over it, and when some of the paper started bubbling up I peeled to see what was underneath. So there are two rooms that have patchy walls that need to be fixed and I am NOT paying someone to remove the paper. It would be cheaper to replace the drywall!

But I digress.

Yesterday Mr. Hope and I spent a lot of time in the third bedroom. The room that started off as my office, became his office, and will at some point become a bedroom for Future Baby. (We still don't call it a nursery, because I can be superstitious like that.) The plan is to paint it a rich navy, which is gender-neutral but also works as an office color. Before we can get to painting, though, we need to clear it out so we can hire the men that will make the walls suitable for painting in the first place.

The scarier clock is on the furniture. When I first bought this house, I purchased two vintage pieces from the 1940s that are the perfect size for Future Baby (including a dresser that is the ideal height for a changing table). The problem is that the people who owned the set before me painted the pieces avocado green. They painted the vintage hardware a cheap gold. And they didn't paint ANY of it very well. Plus, it was at one time this gorgeous maple.

So Mr. Hope and I are testing an eco-friendly paint stripper to see what's underneath. And if it's worth stripping everything, or if we want to just want to repaint it all.

(Here I must confess that I have already decorated the nursery room in my mind. It is navy and coral and aqua with burnished gold accents. And if Future Baby turns out to be a boy instead, it is navy and kelly green and butter yellow. And if we get really lucky, and end up with Twin Future Babies, then the whole plan is shot to shit because the room is way too small for multiples. On the upside, my office is Tiffany blue, which could make for a very nice nursery bedroom regardless.

EZ Diet update: As of this morning, I'm down 7.2 lbs. In less than a week. Tomorrow will be the official one-week mark so YAY for that and YAY for it not being nearly as hard as I thought it would be.

and so it begins (I hope).

When I stepped on the scale this morning, I was bummed to see I'd only shed another .6 lbs. Which is better than yesterday, when I was actually up .2 lbs. That's just under 5 lbs. in four days, which is nothing to sneeze at, but the BFF has dropped EIGHT. (Yes, I am jealous. No, I won't apologize for that.)

Anyway, I've been following the EZ Diet pretty strictly, with precious few exceptions. Like, I had pumpkin polenta with dinner on Wednesday night, but couldn't figure out if course cornmeal was on the So-So List or the Bad List. Since polenta has a low glycemic load I'm thinking it's So-So, which I am allowed to have one to two times a week. Then yesterday I was at a work thing and got served a salad that was fine but dressing that had some sugar in it. I did the dipped-fork thing to limit how much I had - maybe a tablespoon of dressing total? - but you know, it's still got traces of sugar, which is definitely on the Bad List.

And I've been exercising at least five times a week, the kind that leaves me with sore muscles and, like today, dripping with sweat and red-faced for 30+ minutes afterward. I've also been getting enough sleep and drinking boatloads of water, so I was really, really hoping the slow-down was the result of an impending period. If I counted the thing that Dr. Smiles said wasn't a true period as my last one, I'd be due on Sunday.

Then something happened with work this morning that almost reduced me to tears, which was an odd (and oddly disproportionate) reaction. Was this PMS? Again, I was hoping.

Finally, about fifteen minutes ago, I went to the bathroom and saw it. Bright red spotting. The kind that says HELLO, YOUR PERIOD IS ABOUT TO ARRIVE.

So yay for that, and yay for getting blood work done this weekend, and for meeting with the infertility counselor on Monday, and getting this mo fo show on the road.

EDITED TO ADD: In less than an hour, the spotting turned to full-on flow. So, I'm officially in my priming cycle!

a different kind of two week wait.

The last time I saw Dr. Smiles, he prescribed a 10-day course of Provera to bring on a full period. According to him, my lining was too thick for me to have had a true period on CD18, as I'd believed. This was news to me, because I'd never had a three-day bleed that I didn't consider a period, even when I had an abnormally light one.

One of the nurses told me that with Provera, I could get a period anywhere from two days after starting it to up to two weeks after I finished it. Well, it's been almost a full week since I finished the Provera and nothing. Nada. I've felt some pressure, and a little cramping, but nothing that screams YOUR PERIOD IS COMING.

And of course, I want it to come, because I can't do anything until it does. Basically, the plan is that I get my period and then, after ovulation has been confirmed, I'll take estrogen for roughly 21 days to prime me for the cycle. And then I'll have to get another period before I can start stims.

My fear, of course, is that if things don't start picking up, I won't get a cycle in before Thanksgiving. And Posh Clinic shuts down for a while around the holidays. So if my body fails me (yet again), I might be looking at a January start date. NOT COOL, BODY. NOT COOL AT ALL.

In other news: Did you know that pre-shredded cheese is coated in potato starch? Yeah, so there goes that convenience on my new diet. On the upside, I'm finding it fairly easy to stick to the new diet (potato starch-coated cheese notwithstanding). This is what Mr. Hope and I have have been eating for breakfast: Egg & Chorizo Muffins. Super convenient and very tasty. The recipe says one is a serving, but we are not pixie people and have a hearty two each AM. (Think of it this way: there are only eight eggs used in 12 muffins, so one muffin doesn't even equal a full egg!)

P.S. As of this morning, I'm already down 4 lbs. And I know I'm not losing muscle, because I've been working out like a boss!

the new regime.

Yesterday, I announced that I am renewing my commitment to a healthier lifestyle. So, what does that mean?

Last week, I started working out again. Thirty minutes a day, in the mornings. Currently, I'm working my way through the 21 Day Fix DVDs again. I'd tried the eating plan in May but didn't like it, for a variety of reasons. Like, the plan considered all fruit the same (except for bananas). But there's a huge difference between a cup of strawberries and a cup of grapes. The strawberries are around 50 calories, with around 13 grams of carbs (less than 8 of which are considered sugar). Whereas the grapes have twice the calories and 29 grams of carbs, 25 of which are considered sugar.

But the workouts are great. I like that they're about 30 minutes long and use free weights to build muscle. The first three days were absolutely brutal (my leg muscles were so sore I couldn't really sit on a toilet so much as fall onto it). Now the squats don't make me cry out in pain, and I can already see a difference in my flexibility.

I've also started taking the dog for longer walks once a day. They run about 12 to 15 minutes, depending on how many things he wants to sniff along the way. It's not going to increase my cardio stamina or anything, but I feel like any extra movement is a good thing.

This week, I'm tackling the eating thing. I recently discovered the EZ Diet, named after it's inventor, Dr. Ernest J. Zeringue. Dr. Z is an RE at the Davis Fertility Center, and he prescribes this "dietary modification plan" to infertiles like me who are carrying extra weight. The name also refers to the easy rules of the diet, which are basically this:

Bad List

NO sugar (including hidden sugars, like fructose in salad dressing, OJ, etc.)
NO breads/baked goods and flour
NO potatoes
NO yogurt
NO beer
NO white wine
NO bananas

So-So List 

Pasta
Rice

Good List

EVERYTHING ELSE.

No, really. Everything else is on the Good List. This includes dairy and peanut butter and every other fruit and vegetable imaginable. You can even drink red wine in moderation.

And, I love this part: There is no need to limit portion size (except for things on the So-So List - you're supposed to keep them to a tennis ball-sized serving).

Now. It's not like I want to go shove my face into a jar of peanut butter. But I really, really love that I don't have to weigh/measure my food. Or count calories. Or calculate the percentage of calories coming from protein vs. those coming from carbs.

However.

Planning meals for this diet isn't as easy as it sounds. Well, maybe it is, if you're the kind of person who likes to grill up a piece of chicken and serve it next to some steamed broccoli. Mr. Hope and I are not those kind of people. We like to cook. We like to eat. We like food, period.

So coming up with a week's worth of menus of EZ Diet-friendly food that also tastes good and keeps us interested in eating healthfully was a bit of a challenge. But you know me - I love a good challenge.

Day 1 wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it would be. Although I'll be honest: I wasn't entirely able to omit hidden sugar, as I had a business lunch at a restaurant with a sales rep. I ordered a salad that had a slab of pickled beet on it and I ate about half before thinking, "Maybe there was sugar in that pickle." I also had a mustard vinaigrette salad dressing that could have had sugar or honey or whatever.

But other than that, I did great. For dinner, Mr. Hope and I made Mustard Balsamic Baked Chicken, which we paired with Oven Roasted Brussels Sprouts and Acorn Squash. Since I was making these together, I traded out the apple cider vinegar in the veg recipe for the same balsamic I used in the chicken and subbed in olive oil over coconut. Our house smelled like Thanksgiving and it was scrumptious.

I do have a bunch of questions about the EZ Diet that have gone unanswered. Like, it says no flour - is that ANY kind of flour? Or just traditional flour? Because I'm thinking that eventually I can use coconut flour to thicken stuff that normally calls for AP. Also: are sweet potatoes the same as potatoes? I'm not sure, so I'm erring on the side of caution and not indulging in them just yet. And while I know pasta and rice are on the So-So List, where does quinoa fit in? Do I treat it like a So-So? This is what I'm assuming.

So Phase I is "restrictive" and lasts for four weeks. During this time, you can have 1-2 servings a week from the So-So List. Later, when you're in the maintenance phase, you can have 2-3 servings each week from the Bad List (so, you don't actually give up chocolate FOREVER). You also get 3-4 servings each week from the So-So List, and a Cheat Day one time per week. (Although I can't tell if the Cheat Day is for one meal or the whole day - I'll likely just give myself a meal to start and see how my body responds.)

Anyway, that's it. I did get hangry once in the afternoon, but a small green apple and some peanut butter helped cure me of that. And later, after dinner, I was a little hungry, too, but I had a hot cup of tea and a handful of nuts and that seemed to be enough.

Hoping I see some movement on the scale soon. It's hard with the 21 Day Fix plan, because it starts building crazy muscle right away. The last time I did the full 21 days, I didn't lose more than a couple of pounds but I lost a bunch of inches. Inches are good, but a girl still likes to see that number on the scale going down!