a different kind of two week wait.

The last time I saw Dr. Smiles, he prescribed a 10-day course of Provera to bring on a full period. According to him, my lining was too thick for me to have had a true period on CD18, as I'd believed. This was news to me, because I'd never had a three-day bleed that I didn't consider a period, even when I had an abnormally light one.

One of the nurses told me that with Provera, I could get a period anywhere from two days after starting it to up to two weeks after I finished it. Well, it's been almost a full week since I finished the Provera and nothing. Nada. I've felt some pressure, and a little cramping, but nothing that screams YOUR PERIOD IS COMING.

And of course, I want it to come, because I can't do anything until it does. Basically, the plan is that I get my period and then, after ovulation has been confirmed, I'll take estrogen for roughly 21 days to prime me for the cycle. And then I'll have to get another period before I can start stims.

My fear, of course, is that if things don't start picking up, I won't get a cycle in before Thanksgiving. And Posh Clinic shuts down for a while around the holidays. So if my body fails me (yet again), I might be looking at a January start date. NOT COOL, BODY. NOT COOL AT ALL.

In other news: Did you know that pre-shredded cheese is coated in potato starch? Yeah, so there goes that convenience on my new diet. On the upside, I'm finding it fairly easy to stick to the new diet (potato starch-coated cheese notwithstanding). This is what Mr. Hope and I have have been eating for breakfast: Egg & Chorizo Muffins. Super convenient and very tasty. The recipe says one is a serving, but we are not pixie people and have a hearty two each AM. (Think of it this way: there are only eight eggs used in 12 muffins, so one muffin doesn't even equal a full egg!)

P.S. As of this morning, I'm already down 4 lbs. And I know I'm not losing muscle, because I've been working out like a boss!

things that start with the letter p.

Period

As in: the thing I did not get. The thing I need to get to move forward in this journey.

Thinking back, I've had a handful of cycles this past year that were really, really light. I am guessing that they were actually anovulatory.

As in: without ovulation.

And then I started wondering if that period I got the previous cycle, the one that I thought came nine days late and was also fairly light and which also did not require many tampons - was that even a true period?

Perimenopausal 

As in: what I am. Or think I am. To be honest, nobody's used the "p" word in regards to me except me. But if it looks like a duck and talks like a duck...

Provera

As in: the 10 mg pill that I am now taking to induce a true period. One a day for the next ten days.

Downside: new drug.

Upside: every time they give me progesterone, I start dropping weight like crazy. So maybe this will help me start to take off some of the estrogen poundage?

Patience

As in: a virtue skill I do not have. I hate that I'm back in the waiting game. I could get my period while on the Provera, immediately after I finish the Provera, or up to two weeks after that.

So now, after literally years of dreading the arrival of each fresh bleed, I want the bitch to hurry up and come.

Irony!

Plans

As in: what I try to make. Always.

Last night my therapist, whom we will call Chance, and I discussed my rapidly encroaching menopause (Me: "I have the reproductive parts of a 50-year-old woman, and I'm not even forty!"). He asked me how I felt about that (way to be a cliché, Chance!) and I said, "I mean, I've been expecting it. My mom went through it in her early 40s."

Then I told him, "Actually, if I'd had a biological daughter, for her 21st birthday I planned on paying for her to get her eggs frozen, just to buy her some extra time."

And Chance was like, "You really never stop thinking, do you? At least, you haven't in the time I've known you."

That's just how my brain works: I am always playing out scenarios, trying to get my head around all of the possibilities at once.

Pregnant

As in: what I am confident I will one day be.

Actually, that's a total lie. I am not the least bit confident about that. In fact, I'm scared as hell that I will never know what it's like to grow a tiny human inside of me. Ever.

Profiles

As in: the things that should be coming today from the clinic. Roughly seven of them. Our potential matches.

Will one of those embryos become our baby?