coming into the home stretch.

The longer this pregnancy progresses, the worse I am about writing updates. I suck. I super suck. There's so much I want to say - need to say - and to be honest, I can't even claim carpal tunnel pain anymore because the cortisone injections that the nice orthopedic doctor gave me a few weeks back have made a world of difference.

So.

Here's the quick and dirty update:

I'm officially being induced on Sunday, 11/15, at 9 p.m. We'll start with a Foley catheter that night; they said it should fall out by morning, when they'll start pushing pitocin. (Guess who's got two thumbs and is definitely getting an epidural?)

We're inducing because of the myriad of medical issues I've battled this pregnancy. That, and because apparently the Jellybean has a pretty big head. This, coupled with my somewhat narrow pelvis (who knew?), means that I might not be able to squeeze the kid out my vag. Dr. Direct has been really clear that if the baby's head doesn't descend, I'll be converted to a c-section. I'm maintaining the position I've had all along: I don't care how he's born, as long as he comes out healthy.

As for me:

I'm good. Mostly good. I still have some numbness and stiffness in my hands, and sleep has been harder to come by. I tend to wake up in the middle of the night and then stay awake for an hour or two before crashing again - my body getting ready for the baby? But overall, the third trimester has been a cake walk compared to the hell I went through in the second.

People keep asking me if I'm ready. I am and I'm not. We were so convinced that baby boy was coming early that I got a ton of stuff squared away weeks ago - made a month's worth of freezer meals, got the car seat base installed at the DMV, ordered my breast pump, created my maternity leave plan for work, etc. I haven't packed my labor bag yet but everything's in a box waiting to be Tetris'd into my duffle.

But that's just stuff. Stuff is easy, relatively speaking. Emotionally, I think I'm ready, but there are times when I realize that in less than two weeks there's going to be a tiny human living in my house. A tiny human that I am responsible for. I AM HAVING A BABY. Holy fuck balls.

So, that's where I am. Holding steady. Looking forward to meeting our little dude and simultaneously fearing that I will somehow break him in the first 48 hours of his life. That's normal, right?

blogiversary.

Today marks one year since I started this blog.

It's kind of crazy to me just how much my life has changed in the past 365 days. I mean, I went from being this barren, bitter infertile to an expectant mother nearing her 31st week of pregnancy. After 4+ years of TTC, I'm finally (!) about to become a parent.

After such an epic journey, why do I still feel woefully underprepared?

Maybe it's because I'm about 5-9 weeks away from delivering and still do not have the nursery put together. Or maybe it's because I'm about 5-9 weeks from delivering and I haven't written out my birth plan, packed my hospital bag, met with the estate attorney, or any of the 500 other things I wanted to do before the Jellybean arrived.

The baby will come. He will come no matter how much stuff I have or haven't done. I know this. I know that Mr. Hope and I will be enough. Even if nothing is organized. Even if the crib still doesn't have a mattress.

We will love him and care for him. That is what he really needs.

Even though my BP is holding steady and my weight is down and my blood sugars are gorgeous and there is not even a spec of protein in my urine, today Dr. Direct informed me that if I do not go into labor prior to 37 weeks, or require an intervention before then, this is when she'd like to induce. I am not sure how I feel about this. Induction requires pitocin, most likely, which requires a constant IV drip (more fluids, yay!).

But also:

Shouldn't we wait until Jellybean is ready to be born?

I asked her about the delayed cord clamping today. She said if the baby is full term, delayed cord clamping is not recommended because it causes some disorder, the name of which I cannot remember. But I've read it's recommended no matter what the age of the baby. Who do I trust? Dr. Direct? Dr. Google?

So many questions. So few answers.

It's a little maddening, I tell you what.

I have about five blog posts started but not completed. Post about my surprise shower, about my meeting with the lactation consult they call the Breast Whisperer (no, I am not making that up), about Mr. Hope's and my first birth class, about the excruciating pain my hands are currently in.

All in due time.

For now I will say this:

It's been a year, and I would rather be where I am right in this moment in time - even in pain, even in uncertainty, even in mild fear - than where I was when I started this blog.

I'm grateful for the journey, but so so so excited about the destination.