When people would ask me if I planned to nurse, I'd say, "I'd like to," because even though I really wanted to, I knew that it might not happen. Most of the women I knew struggled with breastfeeding. Milk didn't come in. Nipples inverted. Oversupply caused near-constant mastitis. Babies couldn't latch. My own mother abandoned the practice a month in because, she said, I hurt her.
I wanted to breastfeed the Jellybean for a variety of reasons. There was the bond, of course. And I know that when it comes to nutrition, "breast is best." But also: it's free, where as formula is expensive.
So a couple of months before the Jellybean was due, Mr. Hope and I took a breastfeeding class at our local birth center. The teacher - who is literally known in these parts as "The Boob Whisperer" - started off the session by showing this video:
Really makes you want to "whip 'em out," doesn't it?
I'd met the Boob Whisperer prior to the class. At the suggestion of my therapist, Quirky, I had set up a prenatal counseling session with her - just one of the many steps I took to prepare myself for a successful breastfeeding experience. We talked about the size of my boobs and level of nipple sensitivity (high, for the record) and a bunch of other things that presented potential challenges. I left feeling empowered, energized, and ready to rock this breastfeeding thing.
I was so fucking naive.
I was able to put my baby to the breast about two hours after he was born. He latched immediately. It didn't hurt, as I'd feared. I felt a gentle tugging and my heart nearly exploded with love.
After that initial success, things started to go down south almost right away. The Jellybean started to fall asleep at the breast. He was a lazy sucker. I worked with three different lactation consultants in the hospital, and on Day 3 called to make an appointment with the Boob Whisperer once we were discharged.
He lost weight. A lot of weight. The pediatrician told us we couldn't wait until our originally scheduled appointment with the Boob Whisperer. We needed one immediately. When that didn't work out, I found a different lactation consultant, one who would come to your house and work with you there. We met with her the very next day, and I've had two follow-ups since.
None of it has helped.
I have spent hundred of dollars and countless hours trying to get my boy back on the boob. He just won't latch. Most of the time he'll take a couple of licks or even a suck or two and then start bawling. Sometimes he screams. Sometimes he will push my breast away. He's got no problem drinking what I pump, as long as it's out of the bottle. But offer him mommy's mammaries? No thank you.
You'd think I would've given up by now, or at the very least, accepted that if I wanted the Jellybean to drink my milk, it was going to be 100% by bottle. But no. I keep trying. I spend hours combing the Googles for something that will help. Something I haven't already done or purchased. Some magic key.
In that video, the women essentially say, "Yeah, it's hard. But if you keep at it, you and your baby will have this magical, rewarding experience." On message boards, the lactivists say, "Don't give up. Keep working at it and you'll get there."
But guess what? It's been 7 weeks and I'm no better off from where I started. Don't try to tell me I haven't given it my all, because I've given it that and then some.
I still have hope. It may be foolish hope, but so what? I have five more weeks before I go back to work. Five more weeks to get this boy back on the boob. If it doesn't happen by then, it probably isn't going to happen. And I'll just have to make my peace with that.
Monday, January 11, 2016
Saturday, January 9, 2016
light at the end of the tunnel.
So, um, eight weeks ago today I delivered a beautiful baby boy. And then promptly fell off the face of the earth until about five minutes ago.
The Jellybean's birth story is kind of epic, and I'll write about it in a separate post. But the elevator version is this: I had him via an "emergency" c-section (after laboring for more than 24 hours). Nothing went according to plan, and in fact, the whole thing was sort of terrifying. But none of it was quite as terrifying as coming home with this tiny little life for which I was responsible.
And I mean that literally, by the way - I started to have a panic attack when we put him in the car seat to go home, because hi, car seats are freaking scary. You have to make sure they're tight enough to secure the child properly, but not so tight your kid can't breathe. And when you're first using one, the difference between the right tight and too tight feels about as wide as a piece of dental floss. (To this day, I still like to load him into the car seat a few minutes before we leave, so I can make sure he's breathing before snapping him into the back seat.)
Anyway.
I wasn't prepared for how hard new parenthood would be. I mean, you kind of know going into it that you can never really be prepared, but Mr. Hope and I were woefully under-prepared. The first night after the Jellybean was born he didn't stay with us, because I was relegated to a high-risk recovery room. They brought him to me for feedings and then, afterward, they took him back to something referred to as "bridge care." The second night, after I'd been moved to the maternity ward and given my child for keepsies, the kid didn't sleep...which meant we didn't sleep either. He scream-cried for most of the night, pausing only when one of us would hold him. I got exactly one hour of shut-eye. This was after getting maybe two or three hours of sleep between my induction and when they surgically removed the kid from my womb.
That scream-crying was a preview of things to come. More on that in a bit.
During our hospital stay, the Jellybean started to lose weight. Like, a lot. More than the acceptable margin. Breastfeeding wasn't going so well, even though that first night he nursed like a champ. The longer we were there, the worse he got. I had to start expressing and pumping and feeding him with droppers and tiny tubes. The first night home, I wasn't producing enough and had to break down and supplement with formula.
If I thought I felt terrible then, it got worse the next day, when we had our first appointment with the pediatrician. The Jellybean had lost nearly 20% of his birth weight. Discovering this pretty much made me lose my shit. There was a hysterical phone call to my therapist outside a lab while Mr. Hope took the baby in for an emergency blood draw. An urgent appointment with a lactation consultant who came to my home and got us off the transitional feeder and onto bottles. We had to start waking the kid up every two hours for feedings, just to get some weight back on him. Plus, I was pumping around the clock, trying to increase my supply.
Sure enough, within the next five days, the Jellybean was almost back to his birth weight. Everyone was pleased and relieved. We were told to move to on-demand feedings, especially at night. Yay, us.
And then the colic set in. Big time.
The same week he turned one month old, the Jellybean had a night where he scream-cried from 6 p.m. until well after midnight. The next night, he started at 7 p.m. and went until nearly 3:30 a.m. The day after that I called the pediatrician for an emergency appointment. We couldn't get in with our doc on such short notice, but met with another one in the practice. We asked her if maybe it was reflux. Sure, the Jellybean wasn't spitting up a ton, but other symptoms fit. She told us it couldn't be that because he was gaining weight. Then she told me to stop eating chocolate and a bunch of other things they tell mothers of colicky babies to stop eating, like tomatoes and beans.
A few days later, we had another bad night. Five hours of scream-crying and a stomach that was distended, but only on one side. We called the pediatrician's emergency line at 10:30 p.m. and by 11:30 were told to take him to the children's hospital for an evaluation. There, two experienced nurses took one look at our kid and said, "Oh, that's reflux. That's exactly what that is."
At 3:30 a.m., an attending physician confirmed the diagnosis and gave us a prescription for baby Zantac. Later that morning, around 8 a.m., I filled it. Within days, we were dealing with a completely different child.
And now, two and half weeks later, the Zantac has reached full efficacy, and the Jellybean is finally starting to fall into an eat-wake-sleep pattern that's a little more predictable. He still won't latch onto my boob, and he still has some periods of fussiness, but they are so minor, comparatively speaking. It feels like we're finally moving out of survival mode and into...I don't know. Normal parenthood?
So, yeah. This is why I've been MIA.
Despite everything - the abject failure that is breastfeeding, the early weeks of relentless colic, the c-section incision that took nearly six weeks to fully heal - I feel like an incredibly lucky woman. Eight weeks ago Mr. Hope and I welcomed this perfect, bright-eyed little bugger into our family, and he is everything that is good and right with the world.
What more can you ask for?
The Jellybean's birth story is kind of epic, and I'll write about it in a separate post. But the elevator version is this: I had him via an "emergency" c-section (after laboring for more than 24 hours). Nothing went according to plan, and in fact, the whole thing was sort of terrifying. But none of it was quite as terrifying as coming home with this tiny little life for which I was responsible.
And I mean that literally, by the way - I started to have a panic attack when we put him in the car seat to go home, because hi, car seats are freaking scary. You have to make sure they're tight enough to secure the child properly, but not so tight your kid can't breathe. And when you're first using one, the difference between the right tight and too tight feels about as wide as a piece of dental floss. (To this day, I still like to load him into the car seat a few minutes before we leave, so I can make sure he's breathing before snapping him into the back seat.)
Anyway.
I wasn't prepared for how hard new parenthood would be. I mean, you kind of know going into it that you can never really be prepared, but Mr. Hope and I were woefully under-prepared. The first night after the Jellybean was born he didn't stay with us, because I was relegated to a high-risk recovery room. They brought him to me for feedings and then, afterward, they took him back to something referred to as "bridge care." The second night, after I'd been moved to the maternity ward and given my child for keepsies, the kid didn't sleep...which meant we didn't sleep either. He scream-cried for most of the night, pausing only when one of us would hold him. I got exactly one hour of shut-eye. This was after getting maybe two or three hours of sleep between my induction and when they surgically removed the kid from my womb.
That scream-crying was a preview of things to come. More on that in a bit.
During our hospital stay, the Jellybean started to lose weight. Like, a lot. More than the acceptable margin. Breastfeeding wasn't going so well, even though that first night he nursed like a champ. The longer we were there, the worse he got. I had to start expressing and pumping and feeding him with droppers and tiny tubes. The first night home, I wasn't producing enough and had to break down and supplement with formula.
If I thought I felt terrible then, it got worse the next day, when we had our first appointment with the pediatrician. The Jellybean had lost nearly 20% of his birth weight. Discovering this pretty much made me lose my shit. There was a hysterical phone call to my therapist outside a lab while Mr. Hope took the baby in for an emergency blood draw. An urgent appointment with a lactation consultant who came to my home and got us off the transitional feeder and onto bottles. We had to start waking the kid up every two hours for feedings, just to get some weight back on him. Plus, I was pumping around the clock, trying to increase my supply.
Sure enough, within the next five days, the Jellybean was almost back to his birth weight. Everyone was pleased and relieved. We were told to move to on-demand feedings, especially at night. Yay, us.
And then the colic set in. Big time.
The same week he turned one month old, the Jellybean had a night where he scream-cried from 6 p.m. until well after midnight. The next night, he started at 7 p.m. and went until nearly 3:30 a.m. The day after that I called the pediatrician for an emergency appointment. We couldn't get in with our doc on such short notice, but met with another one in the practice. We asked her if maybe it was reflux. Sure, the Jellybean wasn't spitting up a ton, but other symptoms fit. She told us it couldn't be that because he was gaining weight. Then she told me to stop eating chocolate and a bunch of other things they tell mothers of colicky babies to stop eating, like tomatoes and beans.
A few days later, we had another bad night. Five hours of scream-crying and a stomach that was distended, but only on one side. We called the pediatrician's emergency line at 10:30 p.m. and by 11:30 were told to take him to the children's hospital for an evaluation. There, two experienced nurses took one look at our kid and said, "Oh, that's reflux. That's exactly what that is."
At 3:30 a.m., an attending physician confirmed the diagnosis and gave us a prescription for baby Zantac. Later that morning, around 8 a.m., I filled it. Within days, we were dealing with a completely different child.
And now, two and half weeks later, the Zantac has reached full efficacy, and the Jellybean is finally starting to fall into an eat-wake-sleep pattern that's a little more predictable. He still won't latch onto my boob, and he still has some periods of fussiness, but they are so minor, comparatively speaking. It feels like we're finally moving out of survival mode and into...I don't know. Normal parenthood?
So, yeah. This is why I've been MIA.
Despite everything - the abject failure that is breastfeeding, the early weeks of relentless colic, the c-section incision that took nearly six weeks to fully heal - I feel like an incredibly lucky woman. Eight weeks ago Mr. Hope and I welcomed this perfect, bright-eyed little bugger into our family, and he is everything that is good and right with the world.
What more can you ask for?
Friday, November 13, 2015
38w1d.
It's showtime! Induction happening today vs. Sunday. At MFM this morning, they couldn't get a good measurement of the Jellybean's head and his femur hadn't grown much in the past two weeks. It's a better-safe-than-sorry thing. Fortunately, Dr. Direct is covering the hospital tomorrow so I'll still have her delivering this little miracle.
Wish us luck!
Wish us luck!
Thursday, November 5, 2015
37w0d.
Baby's size: Swiss chard
Next appointment: Biophysical profile 11/6; OB 11/10
Total weight gain: 59.8 lbs. Up a little but down almost 4 lbs. just from yesterday, due to several monster poops. (Sorry, TMI!)
Sleep: Averaging between 5 and 6, which is about 1-2 less than I'd like. Staying asleep is harder these days, and not just because of the constant peeing.
Food cravings: This past weekend, I really wanted these dolmas I'd had recently and made Mr. Hope get three orders of them (one for me, two for everyone else to split). And last night I wanted a provolone sandwich from Wawa. Just provolone on bread with extra mayo. Weird shit like that.
Symptoms: HEARTBURN. And the constipation is back. Also hair-trigger moodiness. Lots of crying for no reason, or even with reason but striking out of nowhere. My boobs are burning, which according to the Googles means my milk ducts are getting ready. Oh, and I'm in full-on waddle. Seriously, I'm like Jabba the Hut these days.
What I'm loving: I'm finishing up my labor mixes. I did one for relaxation and one for when I need to be energized. For the latter, I included the Beastie Boys' Eggman, which totally makes me laugh. Yeah, I'm that much of a dork.
What I'm not loving: Gaining weight again. For a while I thought I'd hold steady at 55 lbs. Really hoping I lose a lot with birth (or within a couple weeks of birth). Maybe I'll be one of those lucky fuckers for whom breastfeeding is the best diet ever.
What I'm looking forward to: Meeting our little guy. Twelve days and counting!
Best moment this week: Getting the call with my official induction date. Knowing when the Jellybean is going to be born allows the planner in me to get all my ducks in a row. It was seriously such a relief.
Next appointment: Biophysical profile 11/6; OB 11/10
Total weight gain: 59.8 lbs. Up a little but down almost 4 lbs. just from yesterday, due to several monster poops. (Sorry, TMI!)
Sleep: Averaging between 5 and 6, which is about 1-2 less than I'd like. Staying asleep is harder these days, and not just because of the constant peeing.
Food cravings: This past weekend, I really wanted these dolmas I'd had recently and made Mr. Hope get three orders of them (one for me, two for everyone else to split). And last night I wanted a provolone sandwich from Wawa. Just provolone on bread with extra mayo. Weird shit like that.
Symptoms: HEARTBURN. And the constipation is back. Also hair-trigger moodiness. Lots of crying for no reason, or even with reason but striking out of nowhere. My boobs are burning, which according to the Googles means my milk ducts are getting ready. Oh, and I'm in full-on waddle. Seriously, I'm like Jabba the Hut these days.
What I'm loving: I'm finishing up my labor mixes. I did one for relaxation and one for when I need to be energized. For the latter, I included the Beastie Boys' Eggman, which totally makes me laugh. Yeah, I'm that much of a dork.
What I'm not loving: Gaining weight again. For a while I thought I'd hold steady at 55 lbs. Really hoping I lose a lot with birth (or within a couple weeks of birth). Maybe I'll be one of those lucky fuckers for whom breastfeeding is the best diet ever.
What I'm looking forward to: Meeting our little guy. Twelve days and counting!
Best moment this week: Getting the call with my official induction date. Knowing when the Jellybean is going to be born allows the planner in me to get all my ducks in a row. It was seriously such a relief.
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
coming into the home stretch.
The longer this pregnancy progresses, the worse I am about writing updates. I suck. I super suck. There's so much I want to say - need to say - and to be honest, I can't even claim carpal tunnel pain anymore because the cortisone injections that the nice orthopedic doctor gave me a few weeks back have made a world of difference.
So.
Here's the quick and dirty update:
I'm officially being induced on Sunday, 11/15, at 9 p.m. We'll start with a Foley catheter that night; they said it should fall out by morning, when they'll start pushing pitocin. (Guess who's got two thumbs and is definitely getting an epidural?)
We're inducing because of the myriad of medical issues I've battled this pregnancy. That, and because apparently the Jellybean has a pretty big head. This, coupled with my somewhat narrow pelvis (who knew?), means that I might not be able to squeeze the kid out my vag. Dr. Direct has been really clear that if the baby's head doesn't descend, I'll be converted to a c-section. I'm maintaining the position I've had all along: I don't care how he's born, as long as he comes out healthy.
As for me:
I'm good. Mostly good. I still have some numbness and stiffness in my hands, and sleep has been harder to come by. I tend to wake up in the middle of the night and then stay awake for an hour or two before crashing again - my body getting ready for the baby? But overall, the third trimester has been a cake walk compared to the hell I went through in the second.
People keep asking me if I'm ready. I am and I'm not. We were so convinced that baby boy was coming early that I got a ton of stuff squared away weeks ago - made a month's worth of freezer meals, got the car seat base installed at the DMV, ordered my breast pump, created my maternity leave plan for work, etc. I haven't packed my labor bag yet but everything's in a box waiting to be Tetris'd into my duffle.
But that's just stuff. Stuff is easy, relatively speaking. Emotionally, I think I'm ready, but there are times when I realize that in less than two weeks there's going to be a tiny human living in my house. A tiny human that I am responsible for. I AM HAVING A BABY. Holy fuck balls.
So, that's where I am. Holding steady. Looking forward to meeting our little dude and simultaneously fearing that I will somehow break him in the first 48 hours of his life. That's normal, right?
So.
Here's the quick and dirty update:
I'm officially being induced on Sunday, 11/15, at 9 p.m. We'll start with a Foley catheter that night; they said it should fall out by morning, when they'll start pushing pitocin. (Guess who's got two thumbs and is definitely getting an epidural?)
We're inducing because of the myriad of medical issues I've battled this pregnancy. That, and because apparently the Jellybean has a pretty big head. This, coupled with my somewhat narrow pelvis (who knew?), means that I might not be able to squeeze the kid out my vag. Dr. Direct has been really clear that if the baby's head doesn't descend, I'll be converted to a c-section. I'm maintaining the position I've had all along: I don't care how he's born, as long as he comes out healthy.
As for me:
I'm good. Mostly good. I still have some numbness and stiffness in my hands, and sleep has been harder to come by. I tend to wake up in the middle of the night and then stay awake for an hour or two before crashing again - my body getting ready for the baby? But overall, the third trimester has been a cake walk compared to the hell I went through in the second.
People keep asking me if I'm ready. I am and I'm not. We were so convinced that baby boy was coming early that I got a ton of stuff squared away weeks ago - made a month's worth of freezer meals, got the car seat base installed at the DMV, ordered my breast pump, created my maternity leave plan for work, etc. I haven't packed my labor bag yet but everything's in a box waiting to be Tetris'd into my duffle.
But that's just stuff. Stuff is easy, relatively speaking. Emotionally, I think I'm ready, but there are times when I realize that in less than two weeks there's going to be a tiny human living in my house. A tiny human that I am responsible for. I AM HAVING A BABY. Holy fuck balls.
So, that's where I am. Holding steady. Looking forward to meeting our little dude and simultaneously fearing that I will somehow break him in the first 48 hours of his life. That's normal, right?
Friday, October 9, 2015
33w0d.
[Fun fact: According to the OB's office, I was actually 33w0d yesterday. But I'm pretty sure this is based on the due date of 11/25, which was given to me by the same site that told me what week/day I was based on my transfer date. So, I suppose I *could* be 33w1d today, but whatevs.]
Baby's size: Pineapple
Next appointment: 10/9
Total weight gain: 54.2. Down 2 lbs. from last week. All this week, I've been losing up to half a pound a day. Wondering if this is something I need to be concerned about, or if it's just the edema continuing to abate.
Sleep: Still averaging 6 to 7 hours. My AHI has been fairly low, which could be the result of less swelling or even the minor weight loss. Or, you know, it could be totally rando.
Food cravings: Still craving bread-y, squishy carbs.
Symptoms: The bad heartburn continues! Also, I'm running hotter and hotter - the other day I broke into a sweat when the house was 68 degrees.
What I'm loving: We're finished with our prenatal classes! The breastfeeding class we took on Tuesday was our favorite. I'm pumped! (No pun intended.)
What I'm not loving: That getting dress is so laborious it feels like I should get an Olympic medal every time I do it.
What I'm looking forward to: This will sound dorky, but we're getting the car seat bases inspected Tuesday. This is one of the last major things we need to do to get ready for the Jellybean, so I'm excited to check it off the list!
Best moment this week: When I saw the OB Tuesday, she told me that my anxiety level was appropriate for where I am in the pregnancy. It doesn't sound like much, but in the beginning, I was such a nut job about everything. It feels good to be considered "normal" for a change.
Baby's size: Pineapple
Next appointment: 10/9
Total weight gain: 54.2. Down 2 lbs. from last week. All this week, I've been losing up to half a pound a day. Wondering if this is something I need to be concerned about, or if it's just the edema continuing to abate.
Sleep: Still averaging 6 to 7 hours. My AHI has been fairly low, which could be the result of less swelling or even the minor weight loss. Or, you know, it could be totally rando.
Food cravings: Still craving bread-y, squishy carbs.
Symptoms: The bad heartburn continues! Also, I'm running hotter and hotter - the other day I broke into a sweat when the house was 68 degrees.
What I'm loving: We're finished with our prenatal classes! The breastfeeding class we took on Tuesday was our favorite. I'm pumped! (No pun intended.)
What I'm not loving: That getting dress is so laborious it feels like I should get an Olympic medal every time I do it.
What I'm looking forward to: This will sound dorky, but we're getting the car seat bases inspected Tuesday. This is one of the last major things we need to do to get ready for the Jellybean, so I'm excited to check it off the list!
Best moment this week: When I saw the OB Tuesday, she told me that my anxiety level was appropriate for where I am in the pregnancy. It doesn't sound like much, but in the beginning, I was such a nut job about everything. It feels good to be considered "normal" for a change.
Sunday, October 4, 2015
showered.
Yesterday was the date I was given for my baby shower. I was told by the BFF that they weren't going to tell me any details but that it wouldn't be a surprise because Gumbo was worried about trying to surprise me. It's not easy to do, for one thing. For another, she was worried I'd show up under-dressed and crabby. Gumbo would know; she was part of my surprise proposal that I almost ruined by - you guessed it! - being super crabby.
But of course, my baby shower wasn't yesterday. It was a couple of weeks ago, And I was about 95% surprised.
Here's how they did it:
The BFF asked me to do a presentation for the Girl Scout service unit. It was for girls entering middle school. She created a flier for it and everything. I made a PowerPoint. She suggested I invite Mini-Hope, who was the same age as the girls attending the event. She roped my coworker into doing the presentation with me.
There was absolutely zero reason for me to question any of this. And I didn't...until we were in the car, on the way to the event itself. Basically, I got a call from my former Girl Scout co-leader asking me to bring a fan because the church was hot. I told her we'd just left the house. She said to go back and get it anyway - that the BFF would rather I be late and have the fan than on-time and miserable.
And like a flash I thought, "Are they stalling me?" I turned to Mr. Hope and said, "There's really a Girl Scout event, right? This isn't, like, a surprise shower?"
"Not that I know of," he replied. "Why would you think that?"
I told him I thought the fan thing felt like a diversionary tactic. Even so, when we pulled into the parking lot, I still wasn't sure what I was walking into.
The event itself was lovely but went so so so fast. The BFF and Gumbo planned brisk activities, per my request, so that people didn't have to sit and watch me open presents for two hours. We had food, we had games, and yes, we had present-opening. But it was on such a tight agenda that I didn't even get to see everything before it was over and we were breaking down the room.
And honestly? It was really overwhelming. To be in a room full of women who loved and supported me, who were there to celebrate this baby that I spent so many years wishing for... It was a lot to take in. And of course, I missed my mom. I cried a couple of times. Pretty much what I'd expected.
Looking back at all of the little details, I'm beyond impressed by what my friends pulled off. But during the shower itself it was almost like an out of body experience. I was there but not entirely there. I was watching myself open gifts instead of being fully present.
I'd put a good number of coworkers on my shower list, so I wasn't really expecting a work shower. But on Thursday - the day of the actual Girl Scout event that was used to lure me to my shower - I was surprised a second time.
Here's how they pulled it off:
I got invited to a meeting with my boss and Glam Coworker. It was an odd meeting request, supposedly to talk about aligning objectives across departments. I messaged Glam the minute I got the invite was was all, "Do you know what this is about?" I bristled, wondering what it was that I wasn't aligning properly. The day of, I asked her if she thought our boss would mind if I ate my lunch, since the meeting was called for 12-1. "Who schedules a meeting for lunch like that?" I asked her.
And then, of course, it wasn't a meeting. It was the work shower. And that time, I was 100% surprised.
But I was also overwhelmed (again). I'm not comfortable being in the center of things. I'm always flabbergasted when people do nice stuff for me. Yes, I'm kind of a weirdo like that.
In the wake of the first shower, I was stressing about thank you notes. My mom raised me to send hand-written ones, but my carpal tunnel has been so bad I knew I wouldn't be able to do it. My options were to send emailed thank yous or wait until after the baby came and I got my hands back. The BFF presented a third option: I would type the thank yous to her and she would hand write them for me.
The BFF is a saint, if you couldn't tell.
So, my thank yous are coming. She's just finished transcribing them all - I just need to get them from her to stamp and send. P.S. I bought her an hour-long massage as a thank you. I figured she needed it!
But of course, my baby shower wasn't yesterday. It was a couple of weeks ago, And I was about 95% surprised.
Here's how they did it:
The BFF asked me to do a presentation for the Girl Scout service unit. It was for girls entering middle school. She created a flier for it and everything. I made a PowerPoint. She suggested I invite Mini-Hope, who was the same age as the girls attending the event. She roped my coworker into doing the presentation with me.
There was absolutely zero reason for me to question any of this. And I didn't...until we were in the car, on the way to the event itself. Basically, I got a call from my former Girl Scout co-leader asking me to bring a fan because the church was hot. I told her we'd just left the house. She said to go back and get it anyway - that the BFF would rather I be late and have the fan than on-time and miserable.
And like a flash I thought, "Are they stalling me?" I turned to Mr. Hope and said, "There's really a Girl Scout event, right? This isn't, like, a surprise shower?"
"Not that I know of," he replied. "Why would you think that?"
I told him I thought the fan thing felt like a diversionary tactic. Even so, when we pulled into the parking lot, I still wasn't sure what I was walking into.
The event itself was lovely but went so so so fast. The BFF and Gumbo planned brisk activities, per my request, so that people didn't have to sit and watch me open presents for two hours. We had food, we had games, and yes, we had present-opening. But it was on such a tight agenda that I didn't even get to see everything before it was over and we were breaking down the room.
And honestly? It was really overwhelming. To be in a room full of women who loved and supported me, who were there to celebrate this baby that I spent so many years wishing for... It was a lot to take in. And of course, I missed my mom. I cried a couple of times. Pretty much what I'd expected.
Looking back at all of the little details, I'm beyond impressed by what my friends pulled off. But during the shower itself it was almost like an out of body experience. I was there but not entirely there. I was watching myself open gifts instead of being fully present.
I'd put a good number of coworkers on my shower list, so I wasn't really expecting a work shower. But on Thursday - the day of the actual Girl Scout event that was used to lure me to my shower - I was surprised a second time.
Here's how they pulled it off:
I got invited to a meeting with my boss and Glam Coworker. It was an odd meeting request, supposedly to talk about aligning objectives across departments. I messaged Glam the minute I got the invite was was all, "Do you know what this is about?" I bristled, wondering what it was that I wasn't aligning properly. The day of, I asked her if she thought our boss would mind if I ate my lunch, since the meeting was called for 12-1. "Who schedules a meeting for lunch like that?" I asked her.
And then, of course, it wasn't a meeting. It was the work shower. And that time, I was 100% surprised.
But I was also overwhelmed (again). I'm not comfortable being in the center of things. I'm always flabbergasted when people do nice stuff for me. Yes, I'm kind of a weirdo like that.
In the wake of the first shower, I was stressing about thank you notes. My mom raised me to send hand-written ones, but my carpal tunnel has been so bad I knew I wouldn't be able to do it. My options were to send emailed thank yous or wait until after the baby came and I got my hands back. The BFF presented a third option: I would type the thank yous to her and she would hand write them for me.
The BFF is a saint, if you couldn't tell.
So, my thank yous are coming. She's just finished transcribing them all - I just need to get them from her to stamp and send. P.S. I bought her an hour-long massage as a thank you. I figured she needed it!
Thursday, October 1, 2015
32w0d.
Baby's size: Squash (perfect for fall!)
Next appointment: 10/5
Total weight gain: 56.2. So, up half a pound this week, which is about right.
Sleep: Averaging 6 to 7 hours, interrupted once or twice by bathroom/water breaks. So, getting ready for a newborn!
Food cravings: CARBS. Squishy, bread-y carbs.
Symptoms: Bad heartburn (Zantac time!) and starting to breathe heavier, which freaks Mr. Hope out even though I tell him it's normal.
What I'm loving: How close we are to meeting our little guy!
What I'm not loving: The need to pee every 45 minutes or so.
What I'm looking forward to: My next OB appointment. At the last one, she told me she wanted to induce at 37 weeks. I want to clarify why and also start talking dates.
Best moment this week: My coworkers threw me a surprise baby shower yesterday. And it was 100% a surprise, too! I thought I was going into a strategy meeting (and was kind of cranky about it) and there was everyone. I feel so lucky...and so loved.
Next appointment: 10/5
Total weight gain: 56.2. So, up half a pound this week, which is about right.
Sleep: Averaging 6 to 7 hours, interrupted once or twice by bathroom/water breaks. So, getting ready for a newborn!
Food cravings: CARBS. Squishy, bread-y carbs.
Symptoms: Bad heartburn (Zantac time!) and starting to breathe heavier, which freaks Mr. Hope out even though I tell him it's normal.
What I'm loving: How close we are to meeting our little guy!
What I'm not loving: The need to pee every 45 minutes or so.
What I'm looking forward to: My next OB appointment. At the last one, she told me she wanted to induce at 37 weeks. I want to clarify why and also start talking dates.
Best moment this week: My coworkers threw me a surprise baby shower yesterday. And it was 100% a surprise, too! I thought I was going into a strategy meeting (and was kind of cranky about it) and there was everyone. I feel so lucky...and so loved.
Thursday, September 24, 2015
31w0d.
Baby's size: Pineapple or coconut (so, making a pina colada in there?)
Next appointment: 10/1
Total weight gain: 55.6 lbs. Holding steady-ish.
Exercise: Still moving pretty well. Mr. Hope and I are joining the Y this weekend so I hope to be logging some pool time soon.
Sleep: Has been disrupted this week due to intense carpal tunnel pain. Like, the kind that makes you sob (and no, I'm not being a drama queen). Relief is on the way, though - I'm getting cortisone shots in my wrists on Monday.
Food cravings: Cheese and crunchy things.
Symptoms: Heartburn is making a comeback! Maybe this means the Jellybean will be born with a nice head o' hair?
What I'm loving: My husband. He's been such a great source of support and really stepping up his game around the house.
What I'm not loving: Pain. Discomfort. The fact that I've been unable to enjoy the majority of my pregnancy. I got robbed, yo.
What I'm looking forward to: Is it too early to say giving birth? Or, more accurately, evicting the Jellybean from my uterus?
Best moment this week: It's selfish but getting the call today that an ortho would be willing to treat the carpal tunnel. On Tuesday Dr. Direct said that the shots would help and be safe for baby, but good luck finding a doctor who'll touch a pregnant woman. But then I did. When the nurse told me they could get me in Monday I almost cried.
Next appointment: 10/1
Total weight gain: 55.6 lbs. Holding steady-ish.
Exercise: Still moving pretty well. Mr. Hope and I are joining the Y this weekend so I hope to be logging some pool time soon.
Sleep: Has been disrupted this week due to intense carpal tunnel pain. Like, the kind that makes you sob (and no, I'm not being a drama queen). Relief is on the way, though - I'm getting cortisone shots in my wrists on Monday.
Food cravings: Cheese and crunchy things.
Symptoms: Heartburn is making a comeback! Maybe this means the Jellybean will be born with a nice head o' hair?
What I'm loving: My husband. He's been such a great source of support and really stepping up his game around the house.
What I'm not loving: Pain. Discomfort. The fact that I've been unable to enjoy the majority of my pregnancy. I got robbed, yo.
What I'm looking forward to: Is it too early to say giving birth? Or, more accurately, evicting the Jellybean from my uterus?
Best moment this week: It's selfish but getting the call today that an ortho would be willing to treat the carpal tunnel. On Tuesday Dr. Direct said that the shots would help and be safe for baby, but good luck finding a doctor who'll touch a pregnant woman. But then I did. When the nurse told me they could get me in Monday I almost cried.
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
blogiversary.
Today marks one year since I started this blog.
It's kind of crazy to me just how much my life has changed in the past 365 days. I mean, I went from being this barren, bitter infertile to an expectant mother nearing her 31st week of pregnancy. After 4+ years of TTC, I'm finally (!) about to become a parent.
After such an epic journey, why do I still feel woefully underprepared?
Maybe it's because I'm about 5-9 weeks away from delivering and still do not have the nursery put together. Or maybe it's because I'm about 5-9 weeks from delivering and I haven't written out my birth plan, packed my hospital bag, met with the estate attorney, or any of the 500 other things I wanted to do before the Jellybean arrived.
The baby will come. He will come no matter how much stuff I have or haven't done. I know this. I know that Mr. Hope and I will be enough. Even if nothing is organized. Even if the crib still doesn't have a mattress.
We will love him and care for him. That is what he really needs.
Even though my BP is holding steady and my weight is down and my blood sugars are gorgeous and there is not even a spec of protein in my urine, today Dr. Direct informed me that if I do not go into labor prior to 37 weeks, or require an intervention before then, this is when she'd like to induce. I am not sure how I feel about this. Induction requires pitocin, most likely, which requires a constant IV drip (more fluids, yay!).
But also:
Shouldn't we wait until Jellybean is ready to be born?
I asked her about the delayed cord clamping today. She said if the baby is full term, delayed cord clamping is not recommended because it causes some disorder, the name of which I cannot remember. But I've read it's recommended no matter what the age of the baby. Who do I trust? Dr. Direct? Dr. Google?
So many questions. So few answers.
It's a little maddening, I tell you what.
I have about five blog posts started but not completed. Post about my surprise shower, about my meeting with the lactation consult they call the Breast Whisperer (no, I am not making that up), about Mr. Hope's and my first birth class, about the excruciating pain my hands are currently in.
All in due time.
For now I will say this:
It's been a year, and I would rather be where I am right in this moment in time - even in pain, even in uncertainty, even in mild fear - than where I was when I started this blog.
I'm grateful for the journey, but so so so excited about the destination.
It's kind of crazy to me just how much my life has changed in the past 365 days. I mean, I went from being this barren, bitter infertile to an expectant mother nearing her 31st week of pregnancy. After 4+ years of TTC, I'm finally (!) about to become a parent.
After such an epic journey, why do I still feel woefully underprepared?
Maybe it's because I'm about 5-9 weeks away from delivering and still do not have the nursery put together. Or maybe it's because I'm about 5-9 weeks from delivering and I haven't written out my birth plan, packed my hospital bag, met with the estate attorney, or any of the 500 other things I wanted to do before the Jellybean arrived.
The baby will come. He will come no matter how much stuff I have or haven't done. I know this. I know that Mr. Hope and I will be enough. Even if nothing is organized. Even if the crib still doesn't have a mattress.
We will love him and care for him. That is what he really needs.
Even though my BP is holding steady and my weight is down and my blood sugars are gorgeous and there is not even a spec of protein in my urine, today Dr. Direct informed me that if I do not go into labor prior to 37 weeks, or require an intervention before then, this is when she'd like to induce. I am not sure how I feel about this. Induction requires pitocin, most likely, which requires a constant IV drip (more fluids, yay!).
But also:
Shouldn't we wait until Jellybean is ready to be born?
I asked her about the delayed cord clamping today. She said if the baby is full term, delayed cord clamping is not recommended because it causes some disorder, the name of which I cannot remember. But I've read it's recommended no matter what the age of the baby. Who do I trust? Dr. Direct? Dr. Google?
So many questions. So few answers.
It's a little maddening, I tell you what.
I have about five blog posts started but not completed. Post about my surprise shower, about my meeting with the lactation consult they call the Breast Whisperer (no, I am not making that up), about Mr. Hope's and my first birth class, about the excruciating pain my hands are currently in.
All in due time.
For now I will say this:
It's been a year, and I would rather be where I am right in this moment in time - even in pain, even in uncertainty, even in mild fear - than where I was when I started this blog.
I'm grateful for the journey, but so so so excited about the destination.
Thursday, September 17, 2015
30w0d.
Baby's size: Large cabbage or cucumber.
Next appointment: 9/22 (had one today, too)
Total weight gain: 51.4 lbs. So, down 1.6 lbs. and lower than where I was in at 22w5d.
Exercise: Moving more. My busted knee is mostly healed, which helps. But beyond that, taking off some of the excess fluid has made it easier for me to function, period. There was a time not too long ago when I would barely be able to make it around the grocery store before my back started hurting or I'd get too huffy and puffy. It was scary! But yesterday, I went grocery shopping all by myself for the first time in a while, and I was fine. Didn't even have back pain.
Sleep: Same. Also, I started using this app that tracks my sleep and tells me how many apnea events I have each night. I average between two and four, which is actually pretty great as anything under five is considered "normal."
Food cravings: Carbs, but I'm watching them like the good little gestational diabetic I am.
Symptoms: Burping, farting, and now, a little round ligament pain. I feel SO attractive, I tell you what. On the upside: Had some colostrum leakage from both nips, which apparently is a good sign for those of us who want to put our kid on the boob.
What I'm loving: Reaching 30 weeks. I mean, it's crazy. There was a time I was convinced I'd have pre-eclampsia by 28 weeks. So this? This is huge. And at the risk of jinxing things, I seem to be holding steady. My BP is great on the meds, my sugars are controlled by diet alone, sleep apnea is clearly being treated, and so far I haven't spilled any protein in my urine. I'm starting to think I might actually make it to 36 weeks!
What I'm not loving: The fruitless search for a decent nursing bra. My band size increased slightly, so I'm a 46 now, but my cup size (if you go by measurements alone) puts me at a DDDD/G. Once again, I'm struck by an industry that doesn't seem to think fat women procreate. I'm looking for a bra with thick straps and a wide band that I know will give me support. So far, nothing. (Any suggestions?)
What I'm looking forward to: Childbirth class starts tomorrow, and then I have my first resale event on Saturday. Plus, there's more nesting to be done!
Best moment this week: My surprise shower was last Saturday (and I totally need to write about it). There was this point when I looked around at all of these women who were there for me, who had done so much for me (not just the shower but in life itself), and I felt so completely loved. And then in the same breath, overwhelmed by all of the love. But it was a really beautiful moment, to know that there were so many wonderful ladies that I could count on.
Next appointment: 9/22 (had one today, too)
Total weight gain: 51.4 lbs. So, down 1.6 lbs. and lower than where I was in at 22w5d.
Exercise: Moving more. My busted knee is mostly healed, which helps. But beyond that, taking off some of the excess fluid has made it easier for me to function, period. There was a time not too long ago when I would barely be able to make it around the grocery store before my back started hurting or I'd get too huffy and puffy. It was scary! But yesterday, I went grocery shopping all by myself for the first time in a while, and I was fine. Didn't even have back pain.
Sleep: Same. Also, I started using this app that tracks my sleep and tells me how many apnea events I have each night. I average between two and four, which is actually pretty great as anything under five is considered "normal."
Food cravings: Carbs, but I'm watching them like the good little gestational diabetic I am.
Symptoms: Burping, farting, and now, a little round ligament pain. I feel SO attractive, I tell you what. On the upside: Had some colostrum leakage from both nips, which apparently is a good sign for those of us who want to put our kid on the boob.
What I'm loving: Reaching 30 weeks. I mean, it's crazy. There was a time I was convinced I'd have pre-eclampsia by 28 weeks. So this? This is huge. And at the risk of jinxing things, I seem to be holding steady. My BP is great on the meds, my sugars are controlled by diet alone, sleep apnea is clearly being treated, and so far I haven't spilled any protein in my urine. I'm starting to think I might actually make it to 36 weeks!
What I'm not loving: The fruitless search for a decent nursing bra. My band size increased slightly, so I'm a 46 now, but my cup size (if you go by measurements alone) puts me at a DDDD/G. Once again, I'm struck by an industry that doesn't seem to think fat women procreate. I'm looking for a bra with thick straps and a wide band that I know will give me support. So far, nothing. (Any suggestions?)
What I'm looking forward to: Childbirth class starts tomorrow, and then I have my first resale event on Saturday. Plus, there's more nesting to be done!
Best moment this week: My surprise shower was last Saturday (and I totally need to write about it). There was this point when I looked around at all of these women who were there for me, who had done so much for me (not just the shower but in life itself), and I felt so completely loved. And then in the same breath, overwhelmed by all of the love. But it was a really beautiful moment, to know that there were so many wonderful ladies that I could count on.
Thursday, September 10, 2015
29w0d.
Baby's size: Squash (butternut or acorn, depending on the site)
Next appointment: 9/17 (had one today, too)
Total weight gain: 53 lbs. So, down 4.4 lbs. and right where I was in week 24. (Thanks, HCTZ!)
Exercise: Even less than usual, thanks to my bustimicated knee.
Sleep: Same.
Food cravings: Bread and cheese. Together.
Symptoms: I have that funny light brown line up and down my belly. And I'm getting super emotional. Oh, and my boobs? They are seriously huge, and not in a good way.
What I'm loving: The 3D ultrasound pics we got today. Best u/s tech ever! We finally got to see the Jellybean's face from multiple angles. Last week, we had a few snaps but he looked like a cartoon character. This time, he looked like a tiny human!
What I'm not loving: Still with the hands. The pain was so bad Monday I kept crying. So, the cardiologist put me back on the HCTZ. Dr. Direct isn't going to like it, but what can I do?
What I'm looking forward to: Lots and lots of baby stuff. We start childbirth classes a week from tomorrow. Next Thursday there's a curriculum night at our future daycare. And my shower is coming up in just a few short weeks, too!
Best moment this week: Seeing his face. It's the cutest little face! I can't stop staring at it.
Next appointment: 9/17 (had one today, too)
Total weight gain: 53 lbs. So, down 4.4 lbs. and right where I was in week 24. (Thanks, HCTZ!)
Exercise: Even less than usual, thanks to my bustimicated knee.
Sleep: Same.
Food cravings: Bread and cheese. Together.
Symptoms: I have that funny light brown line up and down my belly. And I'm getting super emotional. Oh, and my boobs? They are seriously huge, and not in a good way.
What I'm loving: The 3D ultrasound pics we got today. Best u/s tech ever! We finally got to see the Jellybean's face from multiple angles. Last week, we had a few snaps but he looked like a cartoon character. This time, he looked like a tiny human!
What I'm not loving: Still with the hands. The pain was so bad Monday I kept crying. So, the cardiologist put me back on the HCTZ. Dr. Direct isn't going to like it, but what can I do?
What I'm looking forward to: Lots and lots of baby stuff. We start childbirth classes a week from tomorrow. Next Thursday there's a curriculum night at our future daycare. And my shower is coming up in just a few short weeks, too!
Best moment this week: Seeing his face. It's the cutest little face! I can't stop staring at it.
Thursday, September 3, 2015
28w0d.
Baby's size: Large eggplant.
Next appointment: Today. More u/s and hopefully a 3D one!
Total weight gain: 57.4 lbs. However, I weigh slightly less than I did three weeks ago, so I'm not complaining.
Exercise: Minimal. Still struggling with pain/numbness in legs, not to mention swelling.
Sleep: Decent. Averaging 7-8 hours a night with the CPAP mask.
Food cravings: None.
Symptoms: Burping. Lots and lots of burping.
What I'm loving: Feeling Jellybean more regularly. Sometimes he kicks hard enough that it moves other things. Like, the other night I had my iPad on a pillow on my belly, and he kicked hard enough that the iPad jumped just a little.
What I'm not loving: My hands. They are swollen, stiff, numb, or in pain 100% of the time now, making even routine tasks difficult to complete.
What I'm looking forward to: This weekend. We have plans to do a lot of cleaning/purging in the house, and the closer we get to achieving our goals there, the better I'll feel.
Best moment this week: Last Thursday night I got in the pool for the first time since June...and discovered that preggos float. Like, literally FLOAT. It was crazy. And awesome.
Next appointment: Today. More u/s and hopefully a 3D one!
Total weight gain: 57.4 lbs. However, I weigh slightly less than I did three weeks ago, so I'm not complaining.
Exercise: Minimal. Still struggling with pain/numbness in legs, not to mention swelling.
Sleep: Decent. Averaging 7-8 hours a night with the CPAP mask.
Food cravings: None.
Symptoms: Burping. Lots and lots of burping.
What I'm loving: Feeling Jellybean more regularly. Sometimes he kicks hard enough that it moves other things. Like, the other night I had my iPad on a pillow on my belly, and he kicked hard enough that the iPad jumped just a little.
What I'm not loving: My hands. They are swollen, stiff, numb, or in pain 100% of the time now, making even routine tasks difficult to complete.
What I'm looking forward to: This weekend. We have plans to do a lot of cleaning/purging in the house, and the closer we get to achieving our goals there, the better I'll feel.
Best moment this week: Last Thursday night I got in the pool for the first time since June...and discovered that preggos float. Like, literally FLOAT. It was crazy. And awesome.
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
adjustments.
Yesterday I went back to the cardiologist's office and met with her PA. You know how I got all freaked out about my test results? I'm not entirely sure why that happened. According to the PA, I had very mildly elevated pressure in my lungs. When he listened, he heard no fluid. But the edema is still a problem, so he agreed to a short course of HCTZ to try to reduce some of the swelling. I took the pill on the way back to the office and peed my brains out for the rest of the day.
By this morning, I was already down 3.5 lbs.
Guess what hasn't improved, though? HURTY HANDS. They're definitely less swollen - I can actually move the skin on the backs now - but the numbness and pain has somehow INCREASED. I don't get it. Even typing this short post is giving me so. Much. PAIN.
Saw the OB today. She said, "I want you to start getting mentally prepared for not making it full term." Oh, Dr. Direct. I'm so far ahead of you there. I told her my goal was to make it to 36 weeks. This, she thinks, seems reasonable. She did tell me I might have to go on desk rest and work from home at some point. This, too, I was expecting, so NBD.
The good news: Today's BP was 124/81. No protein in my urine. No sugar either. So, even though pre-eclampsia is likely going to happen at some point, it hasn't claimed me yet.
Dr. Direct thinks that I'm still a good candidate for vaginal delivery. This makes me happy. I found out today I can have 4 people in the room with me. So that's good. I can have my placenta for encapsulation. And if I end up needing a C-section, they'll make sure Mr. Hope can't see over the curtain.
When I talk about drawing up a birth plan, these are the things I'm pretty much talking about. The only thing I forgot to discuss with her was the delayed cord clamping, but we still have time.
Jellybean's heart rate was in the 150s today. He ran from the doppler (again). Dr. Direct said, "He's having fun in there!" I told her how he punches and head-buts me constantly. I am so in for it with this kid.
Tomorrow Mr. Hope and I head out to the shore for a long weekend. Our version of a babymoon. I'm excited to unplug from the world and be in the ocean and spend some alone time with my husband. We need this. Like, badly.
Okay, my hands are giving out. I swear, the pain. THE PAIN.
More later.
Monday, August 24, 2015
where did the month go?
To the handful of you who follow this blog and worry about me when I am not updating it regularly: I am so incredibly sorry that I keep disappearing.
Four weeks ago today, I got a call from the manager of that freelance project I thought I finished in early June. Her bosses loved the project but wanted some significant changes to it. Me making those changes could lead to bigger opportunities for me, so I agreed to dive in. Only, I had exactly three weeks to make all of those significant changes. Hence the disappearing act.
I finished the project (again) last Monday and have been trying to catch up on life ever since. And then Mini-Hope came to spend the weekend with us - it was a fun visit but my time is never my time when the kiddo is here (not that I'm complaining!).
Suffice it to say: I've been busy.
As of today, I am 26W4D. There has been SO much going on, you guys. So much. I need to go back and fill in my weekly updates, which I write for me more than anyone - they're a great way to keep track of the pregnancy.
But first things first: Jellybean is still 100%, as far as I know. At the last round of ultrasound we got a profile shot of him that was so perfect I kept joking it had to be fake - like stock photography of what an ultrasound is supposed to look like. If I get some time I'll scan it and upload it to a post; that's how perfect it is.
I am not quite as perfect. Okay, I'm kind of a hot mess. As of this morning I am up 64 lbs. total, but the scary part is that 7 of those have found their way onto my gargantuan body in the last four days ALONE. My hands have been extra-special hurty lately, super-swollen and numb and yet riddled with sharp, stabbing pain all at the same time. Oh, and remember how I thought I dodged the gestational diabetes bullet? Yeah, not so much. Even though there were only a few readings above where they were supposed to be, they slapped that label on my fat ass right quick. So now I'm doing finger sticks 4 times a day until I deliver.
But here's the very best part:
A couple of weeks ago I went for an EKG. This is apparently standard with Maternal Fetal Medicine for women who go through IVF. My EKG was clean but when I was at the cardiologist, her student intern thought she heard a slight murmur. So, they sent me for an echocardiogram. During that, they didn't find a murmur but they did find increased lung pressure. The cardiologist called me this past Friday to tell me about that. She said it could be something or it could be nothing and that she wanted to repeat the echo in early September. She didn't sound all that concerned, though.
Fast forward about three hours, when my OB's nurse calls to tell me that I need to be seen next week (as in, this week) because of the cardiologist. I was like, "Um, when I talked to her this morning she seemed like this was NBD. What changed?" The nurse tells me that nothing changed, per se, but they're concerned by the amount of edema I have and are considering putting me on Lasix.
Here's me: "Wait, so you took me off a diuretic because it was dangerous to the baby, and that led to all of these health problems, and now you want to put me back on it? Did it stop being dangerous to the baby?"
Here's her: "Just come in and talk to Dr. Direct."
Can I just tell you how incredibly pissed I was? I mean, seriously. Every single problem leads back to when they had me stop the HCTZ. I went from gaining a total of 9 lbs. in the first trimester to 17 within a single week. I developed high blood pressure. I developed pitting edema in my hands, feet, ankles, calves, and stomach. I developed bilateral carpal tunnel. I developed sleep apnea.
So then I do the Google thing and find out that Lasix is pregnancy Category C. As in, DO NOT TAKE. As in, DANGEROUS TO BABY. But the drug I was on, the HCTZ, is Category B. As in, could be harmful but probably isn't. There's a woman on my super-secret Facebook group who said she took the same drug throughout her entire pregnancy and had exactly zero problems with her baby.
I go back to the cardiologist tomorrow and am prepared to fight them on the Lasix. I refuse to take a drug that has been known to induce spontaneous abortion and infant death. Not after everything I've been through. I'm not even that excited about the possibility of resuming the HCTZ, even though every cell in my body is crying out for a diuretic right now, because I don't want to take anything that could hurt my little Jellybean.
Anyway, so that's the short of what's up with me. I'm behind on my blog writing and I'm behind on my blog reading, because I pretty much suck. Again, my apologies.
More soon - I promise!
Four weeks ago today, I got a call from the manager of that freelance project I thought I finished in early June. Her bosses loved the project but wanted some significant changes to it. Me making those changes could lead to bigger opportunities for me, so I agreed to dive in. Only, I had exactly three weeks to make all of those significant changes. Hence the disappearing act.
I finished the project (again) last Monday and have been trying to catch up on life ever since. And then Mini-Hope came to spend the weekend with us - it was a fun visit but my time is never my time when the kiddo is here (not that I'm complaining!).
Suffice it to say: I've been busy.
As of today, I am 26W4D. There has been SO much going on, you guys. So much. I need to go back and fill in my weekly updates, which I write for me more than anyone - they're a great way to keep track of the pregnancy.
But first things first: Jellybean is still 100%, as far as I know. At the last round of ultrasound we got a profile shot of him that was so perfect I kept joking it had to be fake - like stock photography of what an ultrasound is supposed to look like. If I get some time I'll scan it and upload it to a post; that's how perfect it is.
I am not quite as perfect. Okay, I'm kind of a hot mess. As of this morning I am up 64 lbs. total, but the scary part is that 7 of those have found their way onto my gargantuan body in the last four days ALONE. My hands have been extra-special hurty lately, super-swollen and numb and yet riddled with sharp, stabbing pain all at the same time. Oh, and remember how I thought I dodged the gestational diabetes bullet? Yeah, not so much. Even though there were only a few readings above where they were supposed to be, they slapped that label on my fat ass right quick. So now I'm doing finger sticks 4 times a day until I deliver.
But here's the very best part:
A couple of weeks ago I went for an EKG. This is apparently standard with Maternal Fetal Medicine for women who go through IVF. My EKG was clean but when I was at the cardiologist, her student intern thought she heard a slight murmur. So, they sent me for an echocardiogram. During that, they didn't find a murmur but they did find increased lung pressure. The cardiologist called me this past Friday to tell me about that. She said it could be something or it could be nothing and that she wanted to repeat the echo in early September. She didn't sound all that concerned, though.
Fast forward about three hours, when my OB's nurse calls to tell me that I need to be seen next week (as in, this week) because of the cardiologist. I was like, "Um, when I talked to her this morning she seemed like this was NBD. What changed?" The nurse tells me that nothing changed, per se, but they're concerned by the amount of edema I have and are considering putting me on Lasix.
Here's me: "Wait, so you took me off a diuretic because it was dangerous to the baby, and that led to all of these health problems, and now you want to put me back on it? Did it stop being dangerous to the baby?"
Here's her: "Just come in and talk to Dr. Direct."
Can I just tell you how incredibly pissed I was? I mean, seriously. Every single problem leads back to when they had me stop the HCTZ. I went from gaining a total of 9 lbs. in the first trimester to 17 within a single week. I developed high blood pressure. I developed pitting edema in my hands, feet, ankles, calves, and stomach. I developed bilateral carpal tunnel. I developed sleep apnea.
So then I do the Google thing and find out that Lasix is pregnancy Category C. As in, DO NOT TAKE. As in, DANGEROUS TO BABY. But the drug I was on, the HCTZ, is Category B. As in, could be harmful but probably isn't. There's a woman on my super-secret Facebook group who said she took the same drug throughout her entire pregnancy and had exactly zero problems with her baby.
I go back to the cardiologist tomorrow and am prepared to fight them on the Lasix. I refuse to take a drug that has been known to induce spontaneous abortion and infant death. Not after everything I've been through. I'm not even that excited about the possibility of resuming the HCTZ, even though every cell in my body is crying out for a diuretic right now, because I don't want to take anything that could hurt my little Jellybean.
Anyway, so that's the short of what's up with me. I'm behind on my blog writing and I'm behind on my blog reading, because I pretty much suck. Again, my apologies.
More soon - I promise!
Thursday, July 30, 2015
23w0d.
Baby's size: Large mango.
Next appointment: August 4.
Total weight gain: 52.8 lbs. So, down almost 5 lbs. from last week. I'll take it.
Exercise: Next to nothing. When I'm on my feet for more than 10 minutes at a time, they swell up. And I can't even go back to yoga this weekend due to the swelling/numbness in my hands. I need to join a pool.
Sleep: Using the CPAP 100% of the time now, though I have to sleep sitting up on the couch with my feet on an ottoman. If I lay on either side my whole body goes numb and then has shooting pains. It's really awesome.
Food cravings: Nothing out of the ordinary.
Symptoms: The vivid dreams are returning, likely because I'm actually reaching REM sleep with the CPAP. There was a rather involved one the other night with Bradley Cooper in it. It wasn't dirty, though - he was like my stepfather or something.
What I'm loving: I'm finally starting to look like I have a baby bump and not just a food baby.
What I'm not loving: The general discomfort I'm in, like, all of the time. Oh, and how the cardiologist assumed I'm eating potato chips 24/7, when I eat clean about 85% of the time.
What I'm looking forward to: ONE MORE WEEK UNTIL VIABILITY.
Best moment this week: There was a day when we checked my BP and it was normal and my blood sugar was normal and I felt like, "Okay, maybe I'm going to be okay after all."
Next appointment: August 4.
Total weight gain: 52.8 lbs. So, down almost 5 lbs. from last week. I'll take it.
Exercise: Next to nothing. When I'm on my feet for more than 10 minutes at a time, they swell up. And I can't even go back to yoga this weekend due to the swelling/numbness in my hands. I need to join a pool.
Sleep: Using the CPAP 100% of the time now, though I have to sleep sitting up on the couch with my feet on an ottoman. If I lay on either side my whole body goes numb and then has shooting pains. It's really awesome.
Food cravings: Nothing out of the ordinary.
Symptoms: The vivid dreams are returning, likely because I'm actually reaching REM sleep with the CPAP. There was a rather involved one the other night with Bradley Cooper in it. It wasn't dirty, though - he was like my stepfather or something.
What I'm loving: I'm finally starting to look like I have a baby bump and not just a food baby.
What I'm not loving: The general discomfort I'm in, like, all of the time. Oh, and how the cardiologist assumed I'm eating potato chips 24/7, when I eat clean about 85% of the time.
What I'm looking forward to: ONE MORE WEEK UNTIL VIABILITY.
Best moment this week: There was a day when we checked my BP and it was normal and my blood sugar was normal and I felt like, "Okay, maybe I'm going to be okay after all."
Sunday, July 26, 2015
the finger sticks begin.
On Friday, I went in for glucose meter training. Technically, I already knew how to use a glucose meter, since I had Type II diabetes for a couple of years before losing the weight and sending it into remission, but I thought I'd get the meter itself at the appointment. I did not. That got called into the pharmacy. And the nurse training me got very suspicious when she handed me the meter to try myself and I asked for an alcohol swab.
"You look like you've done this before," she said.
I smiled and nodded.
I don't talk to a lot of people about how I used to be diabetic. It's not something I'm proud of. And when I did have it, early medical interventions made things way worse; the first doctor to put me on insulin kept jacking up the dosage even after I didn't respond well, and I ended up putting on something like 40 lbs. in a single month. And even then, my sugars didn't get under control until I was put on a medicine that basically talked to my liver and told it to stop pumping out insulin.
I also don't talk a lot about my gastric bypass surgery, which I had almost 7 years ago. I don't talk about it because when I had it, I was at an all-time high weight that was the equivalent of four top-of-the-pyramid cheerleaders. To be fair, nearly 70 lbs. of that came from the insulin and fluid retention, but still. It was a dark time in my life and one I don't care to revisit. Plus, I never lost all of the weight after my surgery. I lost nearly 200 lbs., but that still put me at close to 100 lbs. over where the height-weight charts wanted me to be, and about 35 lbs. over my personal weight-loss goal.
When you still look like a fat girl and you tell people you've had gastric bypass, they either assume that you were unsuccessful at it or that you're one of the sad folks who's gained all of their weight back. Prior to this pregnancy, I did have some regain from time to time. but I always nipped it before it got too bad and took the weight back off. This is one of the main reasons the massive gain from Jellybean has me so unhinged. I'm terrified the weight won't come off again, And all of the health problems I had pre-surgery loss, they're all coming back - the apena, the edema, the sciatic lower back pain, the shooting numbness in one or both legs, etc.
Except, I think, for the diabetes. This is one pregnancy nasty I may have been able to avoid.
My very first stick - the one that made the nurse suspicious - was 114. "That's really good!" she remarked, shocked that my blood wasn't made of taffy. I left the training feeling unexpectedly chuffed. I was going to be fine! No gestational diabetes for me!
And then, that night, my post-dinner reading was 140 - 10 over where they like to see it. There had been a touch of cornstarch in the sauce we made, and I had about 1/3 cup of brown rice. A friend who has Type II told me she can't tolerate brown rice even medicated, that it always spikes her sugars, so I made a note on my log and moved on.
The next morning, my fasting bgl was 96 - about 7 higher than it should be. I'd indulged in a small piece of chocolate cake for a late-night dessert, and figured that was the culprit. Again, I made a note and moved on.
And then something surprising happened - my post-meal readings for the day were all stellar. After a lunch of spaghetti squash chow mein and grilled chicken, I clocked in at 78 - close to low! Last night's pre-bed snack consisted of a piece of Ezekial toast with natural PB and a small sliced banana. The fasting reading today? 89. And that's with the banana!
So while I'll likely have to pay attention to what I'm eating, and skip as much refined sugar as possible, it looks like my bgl is going to behave through diet modification alone. Of course, I need to track my finger sticks for two full weeks before someone will make that assessment, but still. Early data is promising.
Since that's the case, I think I'm going to experiment a little with foods to see what does/doesn't spike my sugar. I'm making some oat bran with blueberries and almonds for breakfast, just to see what that does. Yesterday I had a whole wheat English muffin with egg and cheese (homemade) and my post-meal reading was 114, which was well within the good limits. So we'll see.
I've been so terrified that I'm going to get pre-eclampsia that in my head I already have it. But this? This makes me wonder if maybe I'll somehow avoid it. When I checked my BP last night it was 122/78 - perfectly normal. Is it possible that I will get through the rest of this pregnancy without any major medical meltdowns?
I sure hope so.
"You look like you've done this before," she said.
I smiled and nodded.
I don't talk to a lot of people about how I used to be diabetic. It's not something I'm proud of. And when I did have it, early medical interventions made things way worse; the first doctor to put me on insulin kept jacking up the dosage even after I didn't respond well, and I ended up putting on something like 40 lbs. in a single month. And even then, my sugars didn't get under control until I was put on a medicine that basically talked to my liver and told it to stop pumping out insulin.
I also don't talk a lot about my gastric bypass surgery, which I had almost 7 years ago. I don't talk about it because when I had it, I was at an all-time high weight that was the equivalent of four top-of-the-pyramid cheerleaders. To be fair, nearly 70 lbs. of that came from the insulin and fluid retention, but still. It was a dark time in my life and one I don't care to revisit. Plus, I never lost all of the weight after my surgery. I lost nearly 200 lbs., but that still put me at close to 100 lbs. over where the height-weight charts wanted me to be, and about 35 lbs. over my personal weight-loss goal.
When you still look like a fat girl and you tell people you've had gastric bypass, they either assume that you were unsuccessful at it or that you're one of the sad folks who's gained all of their weight back. Prior to this pregnancy, I did have some regain from time to time. but I always nipped it before it got too bad and took the weight back off. This is one of the main reasons the massive gain from Jellybean has me so unhinged. I'm terrified the weight won't come off again, And all of the health problems I had pre-surgery loss, they're all coming back - the apena, the edema, the sciatic lower back pain, the shooting numbness in one or both legs, etc.
Except, I think, for the diabetes. This is one pregnancy nasty I may have been able to avoid.
My very first stick - the one that made the nurse suspicious - was 114. "That's really good!" she remarked, shocked that my blood wasn't made of taffy. I left the training feeling unexpectedly chuffed. I was going to be fine! No gestational diabetes for me!
And then, that night, my post-dinner reading was 140 - 10 over where they like to see it. There had been a touch of cornstarch in the sauce we made, and I had about 1/3 cup of brown rice. A friend who has Type II told me she can't tolerate brown rice even medicated, that it always spikes her sugars, so I made a note on my log and moved on.
The next morning, my fasting bgl was 96 - about 7 higher than it should be. I'd indulged in a small piece of chocolate cake for a late-night dessert, and figured that was the culprit. Again, I made a note and moved on.
And then something surprising happened - my post-meal readings for the day were all stellar. After a lunch of spaghetti squash chow mein and grilled chicken, I clocked in at 78 - close to low! Last night's pre-bed snack consisted of a piece of Ezekial toast with natural PB and a small sliced banana. The fasting reading today? 89. And that's with the banana!
So while I'll likely have to pay attention to what I'm eating, and skip as much refined sugar as possible, it looks like my bgl is going to behave through diet modification alone. Of course, I need to track my finger sticks for two full weeks before someone will make that assessment, but still. Early data is promising.
Since that's the case, I think I'm going to experiment a little with foods to see what does/doesn't spike my sugar. I'm making some oat bran with blueberries and almonds for breakfast, just to see what that does. Yesterday I had a whole wheat English muffin with egg and cheese (homemade) and my post-meal reading was 114, which was well within the good limits. So we'll see.
I've been so terrified that I'm going to get pre-eclampsia that in my head I already have it. But this? This makes me wonder if maybe I'll somehow avoid it. When I checked my BP last night it was 122/78 - perfectly normal. Is it possible that I will get through the rest of this pregnancy without any major medical meltdowns?
I sure hope so.
Thursday, July 23, 2015
edema, apnea, and other fun things.
It's been almost a month since I last updated. I'm sorry about that, especially since so many of you have emailed and left comments to check up on me. You're so sweet and I'm a complete toad. Again: apologies.
First things first: I'm barely okay(ish), but Jellybean is perfect. And that's what matters most. To me, anyway.
I fell off the blogosphere for a bunch of reasons, but here are the main ones:
But now I'm home, and I've really missed blogging. So, here's me attempting to get back into the swing of things.
The last time I updated I mentioned that I'd been snoring again and was terrified I'd developed sleep apnea again. I haven't had it in almost eight years, but I remember how awful it was. The not sleeping. The trying to sleep sitting up. The walking exhaustion. The diagnosis and treatment. The breathing machine they make you wear. Etc.
I went from only being able to sleep in bed a couple hours at a time to not being able to fall asleep in bed at all - sleeping exclusively on the couch, sitting up, in front of the TV. And I knew. I just knew that the apnea was back. It made a lot of sense - why my BP had gone crazy, why my weight was shooting up so quickly, why the swelling in my appendages seemed so much worse than normal pregnancy stuff.
I talked to Dr. Direct about this, and she told me to make an appointment with my primary to order the sleep study. It took almost a week to get that appointment. Then, it took another week to schedule the study itself. And even then, they initially told me they couldn't get me in until the end of August, at which point I played the pregnancy card and told anyone who would listen that I'd had a previous loss and I was terrified of losing this baby, too.
It worked. Turns out no one likes you insinuating that their lack of action could result in a loss of pregnancy. I got the sleep study for two days before I left for my business trip, and the apnea was bad enough that they titrated me that night. I spent the bulk of the next day crying to anyone who'd listen that I was about to get on a plane and needed my CPAP immediately so that I didn't lose my baby. It worked again; by 6:30 p.m., I was getting a lesson on how to use the new machine.
That first night, I wrestled with it. See, the way the CPAP works is by forcing air into you, so that you don't stop breathing in your sleep. I have to wear a full-face mask, too, because pregnancy has given me so much nasal congestion that the nose mask made me outright choke. So I've got this thing over my nose and mouth, and it's forcing air into me, and I feel overwhelmingly claustrophobic, like if I don't rip it off my face right that second, I'm going to die.
I think I made it 90 minutes with the mask.
On the trip, I continued to wrestle with the machine. One night I managed to get about four hours in, divided. But I couldn't just fall asleep with it on, stay asleep 7 hours, and wake up refreshed. There were a couple of nights I didn't even bother using it, but the last day of the trip I was like a zombie, so I went back to my hotel and took a 2.5 hour nap with the mask. When I woke up feeling human, I capitulated: I needed the machine, and I needed to get over my CPAP anxiety ASAP.
But then a new thing developed, and it's this: If I sleep on my left side for more than 45 minutes, my arm falls asleep. My hand goes numb. And then I wake up with pain shooting down my arm. So now, even though I'm finally getting used to the mask, I still can't stay in it long because I wake up in so much pain. Mr. Hope and I decided tonight that we'd set it up in the living room and I'd use the mask sitting up on the couch, so that I'd get quality sleep that was mostly pain-free.
Yep. This is what it's come to.
Can we talk about my hands and arms for a sec? Previously I'd reported carpal tunnel in both arms. This is still present, though the pain in my arms/wrists isn't as pronounced. No, now the problem is that my hands are swollen beyond belief. My fingers are like fat sausages. It's all fluid, too. They are so sore and stiff in the mornings that I can't even make a fist. Throughout the day they grown numb whenever I use them too much. It doesn't matter how much water I pound, I can't find relief for the hands. Not fully, anyway.
If I am on my feet for any significant amount of time, my feet and ankles swell. They look like Hobbit feet. I have pitting edema in both calves. But my favorite is the edema in my stomach. And no, that's not a typo. The lower portion of my stomach, which many plus-size women refer to as their apron, is hard with edema. The skin is so stretched that the pores are enormous. It feels leathery and looks like orange rind. And there's so much fluid collected there that my belly swings like I have weighted balls implanted, one on either side of my belly button.
The apron weight has started pulling on my back, and so now I'm getting twinges and numbness and shooting pains down my legs from time to time. I don't walk anymore so much as waddle. And I get breathless quite easily. So, really, most of the time I don't even look pregnant. I just look like a super-fat version of myself.
I look a lot like the me I was before I lost nearly 200 lbs., and it's totally fucking with my head.
When people ask me how I'm doing, I give them the real answer, which they don't really want. I will say, "As long as I get a healthy baby at the end of this, I can handle anything for a few more months." And it's true. I can.
But.
I am miserable a lot of the time, physically and emotionally. My self-esteem is in the toilet. There have been a couple of incidences of people being not-so-nice to me that have hurt me deeply. I hate the way I look in everything. I dread leaving the house. Etc.
On the plus side, Jellybean is, as I said earlier, perfect. We had our anatomy scan a week before I left on the trip. They couldn't get every shot they wanted (more on this later), but what they saw was exactly as it should be. The relief in knowing that my many ailments wasn't harming him in the least was so overwhelming I almost cried right there on the table.
I have a few days off and I hope to write a few more posts that have been percolating in my brain. Like about the anatomy scan, and how right up until the ultrasound tech pointed out Jellybean's penis, I was still - STILL - hoping there was a girl growing inside of me. I want to write about the torture and mental gymnastics involved in building my baby registry. About my crunchy granola chiropractor whom I love, and the mean girl co-worker whom I now loathe.
And I think I want to retroactively fill in my weekly updates, since I've found those useful in documenting this pregnancy. And I do want to document it, as miserable as I am, because hopefully when all is said and done I'll be holding a fat, happy baby in my numb arms. His life will be something to celebrate, no matter how traumatic his gestation was for his poor, unlucky mama.
First things first: I'm barely okay(ish), but Jellybean is perfect. And that's what matters most. To me, anyway.
I fell off the blogosphere for a bunch of reasons, but here are the main ones:
- I was working a lot of extra hours to get ready for a weeklong business trip.
- I wasn't sleeping well, and therefore unable to get up early enough to do any AM writing.
- I was also so exhausted that I wasn't up to PM writing, either.
- I felt like all I was doing was complaining, and who wants to read that shiz?
- I left for the weeklong business trip, and it almost broke me.
But now I'm home, and I've really missed blogging. So, here's me attempting to get back into the swing of things.
The last time I updated I mentioned that I'd been snoring again and was terrified I'd developed sleep apnea again. I haven't had it in almost eight years, but I remember how awful it was. The not sleeping. The trying to sleep sitting up. The walking exhaustion. The diagnosis and treatment. The breathing machine they make you wear. Etc.
I went from only being able to sleep in bed a couple hours at a time to not being able to fall asleep in bed at all - sleeping exclusively on the couch, sitting up, in front of the TV. And I knew. I just knew that the apnea was back. It made a lot of sense - why my BP had gone crazy, why my weight was shooting up so quickly, why the swelling in my appendages seemed so much worse than normal pregnancy stuff.
I talked to Dr. Direct about this, and she told me to make an appointment with my primary to order the sleep study. It took almost a week to get that appointment. Then, it took another week to schedule the study itself. And even then, they initially told me they couldn't get me in until the end of August, at which point I played the pregnancy card and told anyone who would listen that I'd had a previous loss and I was terrified of losing this baby, too.
It worked. Turns out no one likes you insinuating that their lack of action could result in a loss of pregnancy. I got the sleep study for two days before I left for my business trip, and the apnea was bad enough that they titrated me that night. I spent the bulk of the next day crying to anyone who'd listen that I was about to get on a plane and needed my CPAP immediately so that I didn't lose my baby. It worked again; by 6:30 p.m., I was getting a lesson on how to use the new machine.
That first night, I wrestled with it. See, the way the CPAP works is by forcing air into you, so that you don't stop breathing in your sleep. I have to wear a full-face mask, too, because pregnancy has given me so much nasal congestion that the nose mask made me outright choke. So I've got this thing over my nose and mouth, and it's forcing air into me, and I feel overwhelmingly claustrophobic, like if I don't rip it off my face right that second, I'm going to die.
I think I made it 90 minutes with the mask.
On the trip, I continued to wrestle with the machine. One night I managed to get about four hours in, divided. But I couldn't just fall asleep with it on, stay asleep 7 hours, and wake up refreshed. There were a couple of nights I didn't even bother using it, but the last day of the trip I was like a zombie, so I went back to my hotel and took a 2.5 hour nap with the mask. When I woke up feeling human, I capitulated: I needed the machine, and I needed to get over my CPAP anxiety ASAP.
But then a new thing developed, and it's this: If I sleep on my left side for more than 45 minutes, my arm falls asleep. My hand goes numb. And then I wake up with pain shooting down my arm. So now, even though I'm finally getting used to the mask, I still can't stay in it long because I wake up in so much pain. Mr. Hope and I decided tonight that we'd set it up in the living room and I'd use the mask sitting up on the couch, so that I'd get quality sleep that was mostly pain-free.
Yep. This is what it's come to.
Can we talk about my hands and arms for a sec? Previously I'd reported carpal tunnel in both arms. This is still present, though the pain in my arms/wrists isn't as pronounced. No, now the problem is that my hands are swollen beyond belief. My fingers are like fat sausages. It's all fluid, too. They are so sore and stiff in the mornings that I can't even make a fist. Throughout the day they grown numb whenever I use them too much. It doesn't matter how much water I pound, I can't find relief for the hands. Not fully, anyway.
If I am on my feet for any significant amount of time, my feet and ankles swell. They look like Hobbit feet. I have pitting edema in both calves. But my favorite is the edema in my stomach. And no, that's not a typo. The lower portion of my stomach, which many plus-size women refer to as their apron, is hard with edema. The skin is so stretched that the pores are enormous. It feels leathery and looks like orange rind. And there's so much fluid collected there that my belly swings like I have weighted balls implanted, one on either side of my belly button.
The apron weight has started pulling on my back, and so now I'm getting twinges and numbness and shooting pains down my legs from time to time. I don't walk anymore so much as waddle. And I get breathless quite easily. So, really, most of the time I don't even look pregnant. I just look like a super-fat version of myself.
I look a lot like the me I was before I lost nearly 200 lbs., and it's totally fucking with my head.
When people ask me how I'm doing, I give them the real answer, which they don't really want. I will say, "As long as I get a healthy baby at the end of this, I can handle anything for a few more months." And it's true. I can.
But.
I am miserable a lot of the time, physically and emotionally. My self-esteem is in the toilet. There have been a couple of incidences of people being not-so-nice to me that have hurt me deeply. I hate the way I look in everything. I dread leaving the house. Etc.
On the plus side, Jellybean is, as I said earlier, perfect. We had our anatomy scan a week before I left on the trip. They couldn't get every shot they wanted (more on this later), but what they saw was exactly as it should be. The relief in knowing that my many ailments wasn't harming him in the least was so overwhelming I almost cried right there on the table.
I have a few days off and I hope to write a few more posts that have been percolating in my brain. Like about the anatomy scan, and how right up until the ultrasound tech pointed out Jellybean's penis, I was still - STILL - hoping there was a girl growing inside of me. I want to write about the torture and mental gymnastics involved in building my baby registry. About my crunchy granola chiropractor whom I love, and the mean girl co-worker whom I now loathe.
And I think I want to retroactively fill in my weekly updates, since I've found those useful in documenting this pregnancy. And I do want to document it, as miserable as I am, because hopefully when all is said and done I'll be holding a fat, happy baby in my numb arms. His life will be something to celebrate, no matter how traumatic his gestation was for his poor, unlucky mama.
22w0d.
Baby's size: Spaghetti squash. Really? I just made one for dinner last night and it was pretty big.
Next appointment: August 4.
Total weight gain: 57.2 lbs. No, that's not a typo. I put on nearly 20 lbs. in the week that I was away. I've already dropped 4.6 lbs. since I got home a day and a half ago, though, so I'm hoping more of the water/fluid drops away over the next week.
Exercise: I walked my ass off on this business trip. (My feet paid the price.)
Sleep: Getting somewhat better now that I have the CPAP. I'm dreaming again, at least when I use it. But I'm still having aches and pains that wake me up routinely, so it's not 100% yet.
Food cravings: Fruits and vegetables. A week of eating nothing but restaurant food and convention center catering will do that to you.
Symptoms: I'm feeling Jellybean flutter almost daily now. I love it. I smile every single time.
What I'm loving: Being home!
What I'm not loving: The crazy water weight gain. Between all of the sodium in the not-homemade food, the heat/humidity, and flying twice, I'm all kinds of messed up.
What I'm looking forward to: Getting back to a normal routine. I'm so glad this trip is over. I'm so glad that life is slowing down a smidge.
Best moment this week: Coming home to Mr. Hope and Precious Pup. It's so good to feel loved.
Next appointment: August 4.
Total weight gain: 57.2 lbs. No, that's not a typo. I put on nearly 20 lbs. in the week that I was away. I've already dropped 4.6 lbs. since I got home a day and a half ago, though, so I'm hoping more of the water/fluid drops away over the next week.
Exercise: I walked my ass off on this business trip. (My feet paid the price.)
Sleep: Getting somewhat better now that I have the CPAP. I'm dreaming again, at least when I use it. But I'm still having aches and pains that wake me up routinely, so it's not 100% yet.
Food cravings: Fruits and vegetables. A week of eating nothing but restaurant food and convention center catering will do that to you.
Symptoms: I'm feeling Jellybean flutter almost daily now. I love it. I smile every single time.
What I'm loving: Being home!
What I'm not loving: The crazy water weight gain. Between all of the sodium in the not-homemade food, the heat/humidity, and flying twice, I'm all kinds of messed up.
What I'm looking forward to: Getting back to a normal routine. I'm so glad this trip is over. I'm so glad that life is slowing down a smidge.
Best moment this week: Coming home to Mr. Hope and Precious Pup. It's so good to feel loved.
Thursday, July 16, 2015
21w0d.
Baby's size: Carrot.
Next appointment: August 4.
Total weight gain: Not sure - I'm away on business with no access to a scale. I feel like a beached whale, though.
Exercise: Walking, lots of walking. So much walking that my feet keep swelling up. They look like they belong to a Hobbit.
Sleep: The hotel where I'm staying has a cloud bed. It's heavenly. Still not getting great sleep, though, as I'm wrestling with my new CPAP machine. It makes me feel claustrophobic a lot of the time.
Food cravings: Meat, seltzer, fresh fruit.
Symptoms: Swollen everything.
What I'm loving: In an odd way, finding out that I do have sleep apnea has been a good thing. It explains a lot of what's been going on with my body. Also, I feel pretty awesome that I got the testing done AND got a CPAP before I boarded the plane earlier this week. (I rock.)
What I'm not loving: The mean girl co-worker who's making this trip hellish. Are we in high school again? Because that's what it feels like.
What I'm looking forward to: GOING HOME.
Best moment this week: The triumphant acquisition of the CPAP machine.
Next appointment: August 4.
Total weight gain: Not sure - I'm away on business with no access to a scale. I feel like a beached whale, though.
Exercise: Walking, lots of walking. So much walking that my feet keep swelling up. They look like they belong to a Hobbit.
Sleep: The hotel where I'm staying has a cloud bed. It's heavenly. Still not getting great sleep, though, as I'm wrestling with my new CPAP machine. It makes me feel claustrophobic a lot of the time.
Food cravings: Meat, seltzer, fresh fruit.
Symptoms: Swollen everything.
What I'm loving: In an odd way, finding out that I do have sleep apnea has been a good thing. It explains a lot of what's been going on with my body. Also, I feel pretty awesome that I got the testing done AND got a CPAP before I boarded the plane earlier this week. (I rock.)
What I'm not loving: The mean girl co-worker who's making this trip hellish. Are we in high school again? Because that's what it feels like.
What I'm looking forward to: GOING HOME.
Best moment this week: The triumphant acquisition of the CPAP machine.
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